IT managers rejoice in Times Square after learning about Vista's increased footprint and added complexity

Allah bless you, O wondrous Microsoft! How do you perform these miraculous feats? You have reproduced the Mac OS X desktop with none of its reliability and a far greater hardware requirement. All this plus hundreds of as-yet-undiscovered security holes, and for only $400 a seat, plus $500 for extra memory and another $500 for our IT drones to install it and patch it? Thank you, thank you, thank you, for always putting the customer first! Oh we are so grateful that we never adopted those attractive, easy-to-use, super-reliable iMacs.

Thanks, Peter Lewis

Speaking of Fortune, we've also got a nice write-up by Peter Lewis who compares the Zune to the iPod and concludes, predictably, that the iPod still rules. Money quote:

But for now, the iPod and iTunes system is superior to anything else on the market. It appears that Microsoft rushed Zune to the stores to meet the holiday shopping season, when a bit more seasoning would have made it a better product.

Peter, rest assured, you're still on our "dudes we talk to" list. Your new iMacs should arrive in time for Christmas. Much love.

Come together

You cannot believe the crap we are going through to make this Beatles licensing deal work out. EMI desperately wants the deal to happen too, so they leaked the story to our good pals at Fortune (much love, Brent) so they could crank up the pressure on the Apple dudes. We're having a few issues with Paul, or Sir Paul, as we have to call him. Friggin Ringo is good to go; he'd sell his toenail clippings on Ebay if it would make him a buck. The real hassle of course is Yoko. Sheesh. Don't even get me started. I've been back and forth to New York to kiss her ass about a thousand times already. And things are not going well. Case in point: We're drinking green tea on the floor of her living room and she's insisting that when we put the music up on iTunes that the band must be called "John Lennon and the Beatles" and she must be listed as a member of the group. Her big tactic is just to repeat things over and over in this monotone voice, to wear you down -- it's a Japanese business tactic, they all do it -- and so she starts going on for the millionth time about how she wants to guard John's legacy and what a precious gift to the world he was, and for a while I'm agreeing and trying to be all Zen about it, and Yoko is giving me the Zen right back, and we're both working our Zen and trying to be more passive aggressive and monotone and repetitive than the other one, and finally I just snapped and I'm like, "Jesus friggin Christ, bitch, it's bad enough you broke up the greatest band of all time. Now you're gonna frig this up too? Jesus, lady! Get a friggin grip! It's just a distribution deal!" She bows her head and says, in this voice that's barely more than a whisper, "I will pray for your soul." Well that did it. I won't get into details -- my lawyers won't allow it -- but let's just say that Yoko had to wear sunglasses in public for a few days, and Peter Oppenheimer had to drag me out of there by my ankles.

So hey, Yoko Ono, chalk one up. You managed to out-Zen the Jobsmeister. But I'll win in the end and you know it. Because at the end of the day you're just like me: All about the Benjamins. And to Sir Paul: Dude, I don't know how you kept yourself from killing this dame back in the day. Now some pegleg is trying to shake you down. Life isn't fair, my brother.

Vista drops tomorrow

And thanks to our new iForward program (Mach-based natch) we're able to provide this picture in advance of Steve Ballmer unveiling his masterwork in New York, while the nation's most powerful CIOs gather and meekly wait to be told just how badly the next two years of their lives are going to suck. Check out this article where MSNBC calls Vista a "dinosaur" and a Gartner analyst says "the cost of the upgrade is going to exceed the benefits of the operating system." Nevertheless Rick Sherlund of Goldman Sachs predicts this new turd, er, OS, could add $1 billion to Microsoft revenues in the first year, "but it's possible it could be twice that." The sad thing is, he's right. Frigtards everywhere will be using this crap. Rebooting, hanging, unplugging, pulling out batteries, screaming, swearing, killing viruses, reporting malfunctions to Microsoft. Some will actually love this experience. I weep for those people.

A little message to all you CIOs who are in New York and reading this before you go to bed tonight: Just remember, as you're sitting there in the audience tomorrow, It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to take it. Call me. Let's talk.

Boyfriend of Butt Plug Girl writes in

He calls himself "Saxon MacLeod" (which I believe was the name of a private eye on some 1970s TV show -- he drove a Trans Am that talked or something) and says the following in the comment string on the BPG item:

I'm going to give you an opportunity to show you're anything but a 12 year old girl by getting in touch with me, at which point I will give you an opportunity to take on the face you've appropriated through the reconstructive plastic surgery you will need.

Butt Plug Boy, I really get upset by negative people and violence of any kind -- I'm all about creating beautiful objects and making the world a more amazing place -- but if you really want to throw down, hey, round up your nunchuks and butt plugs and drive down in your talking Trans Am to 1 Infinite Loop in Cupertino and ask for me. I'll have my ex-Mossad security team at the gates, and Katie Cotton in her sniper post waiting for you. Or just call the main number, 408-996-1010, and ask for me, and we'll make an appointment. We can meet on the heliport out back. I gotta warn you, I've been doing tai chi for like 30 friggin years. I may have to do the Dance of the Panther on you. If you wanna make it a real rumble, bring a couple of your tie-dyed candy-ass Berkeley friends, and I'll bring Larry Ellison and T.J. Rodgers. Think you can handle three middle-aged billionaires? Well do ya, punk?

Caption contest

Okay, here it is. We're back to the fun stuff, bashing on the MicroTards. This one is almost too easy but we can't resist. Especially since Thursday is Vista Day. Extra points for haiku. Extra extra points for clerihews.

Caption winners

Again, a remarkable week, with 47 responses. Yow! We're hiring new interns every week to keep up with demand. Again there are so many good ones that it's hard to pick winners. But here goes. Free fake smashed Zunes are in the mail.

Anonymous
One turkey and one lame duck.
... and a white bird sitting on a table.

Bill
A bird in the hand is worth two... no, wait.
A bird in the pants is worth one in the Bush.
Yeah, that's more like it.

Anonymous
cornmeal on penis
tempts turkey
hot avian love

(Extra points for haiku. At least I think that's a haiku.)

Arden
He already blew the election, the economy and the nation's credibility, it's only fitting he get something in return.

James
Pelosi? You takin' notes?

CIO mag chooses OS X over XP and Linux

So check out
this article where a hospital CIO spent a month living with XP, a month with Linux and a month with OS X. Even this hardcore Mac hater had to admit that our software kicks everyone's butt and is the best for corporate users. Money quote:

"I used to think that the Macintosh was something used by free spirits just to be different," he says. "Now I realize the Mac has such superior human factor engineering that it's used by people because they can be more productive. If Apple comes up with a 2- or 2.5-pound 12-inch-screen laptop that runs cool, has better integration with Exchange, and if Vista turns out to be the beast it could be, then I probably will move to a Mac."

Hey Bill? Bite my ass. Honestly. Bite it hard.

Our new favorite Yelptard: Butt Plug Girl

Don't get me wrong. I'm still in love with Bike Helmet Girl and she'll always be my Number One. But I'm sending out much love to reader Joeyjoseph who sent in this link to our new favorite Yelptard, a hot Asian chick who calls herself Scarlet but is considering changing her Yelp name to Anne, Charlotte, Madeleine or Marianne. Check out her reviews which are almost entirely nasty. She's also a bit obsessed with sex, especially butt sex. And she's mightily impressed with her own intellectual abilities, as displayed on her ridiculously pretentious blog "Sartre & Heidegger." (I'm not kidding, that's really the name.) Some must-read entries include this one about her dream jobs which include wrapping gifts, decorating cakes, running a sex shop and writing for The New Yorker. (Ahem.)

She also has some strong and hilarious opinions on
how math is taught in schools and appears to be slightly obsessed with butt sex, butt plugs, and sadomasochism.

Folks, welcome to the Bay Area. It's crawling with people like this. Frigtards who think they're "intellectuals" and spend a lot of time in cafes "journaling" and figure they can get back at their parents by having butt sex. That's why I love it here. Honestly.

By the way the runner-up in Yelptard of the month award goes to Scarlet's pal Stormi C, whose review page gives high marks to "Yelp booty" and would lead you to believe that Yelptards do nothing but go to parties, get drunk, and have low-IQ group sex with other pretentious strangers. No wonder Yelp is doing so well! Check out such nuggets as this description of a recent Yelp party:

As usual, Todd E. expertly picked a venue for us yelpers to engage in utter debauchery. As usual, I did my part to contribute to said debauchery. As usual, my little chocolate hands engaged in yet another episode of grab ass with my fellow yelpers, increasing said debauchery ten fold! As usual, I have a problem with the drink! I blame the Pineapple Martinis and Ketel One Lemonades at this place. My addictive personality could not resist them.

This ebony sistah also appears to do some modeling. Check it out here. In fact a pal of mine who's a doc at UCSF Medical Center says they're treating so many Yelptards that the hospital's STD clinic now posts alerts around upcoming Yelp events and puts extra docs on duty on days following these parties. They're also coming up with new names for certain diseases to use on patient charts, eg, "Yelpamydia" and "Genital Yelps." Much love, kids!

The votes are in: Zune blows

Great little story on B2 of the Journal this morning about how Microsoft's "iPod killer" ranked 76th on Amazon yesterday. Story is written by someone named "Carmen Fleetwood" which I think is one of those made-up bylines they use when nobody wants to take the heat for pissing off Mister Softie. Like the "Alan Smithee" name that movie directors use. Because, come on -- Carmen friggin Fleetwood? You really think there's a person with that name? Dude, that is totally Don Clark. Or Rob Guth.

But back to the Zune bashing. Even Rob Enderle, who I'm pretty sure is on the Microsoft payroll and keeps a framed photo of Mr. Bill above his bed, had unkind things to say: "At the end of the day, you put it on a shelf and it just didn't compare." And a Microsoft flack says Zune sales were "exactly within our expectations." Yup. Like, exactly 10 percent of what we expected. Ha! Bill Gates, the world is finally realizing that not only are you evil, but you also are a frigtard who makes terrible products. Hurray for the world! And folks, if you think Zune is a turd, wait till you see the response to Vista. Talk about a shit sandwich.

Meg Whitman to appear on TLC's "What Not to Wear"

I'm kidding. But she should, right? I mean what is up with this lady? She's got plenty of money. Can't she do something? Talk about Woman on the Verge of a Much-Needed Makover. Heck, I've offered to send over one of my stylists to work with her. I was like, Meg, honey, I love you, but those man suits? What up with that? And what is this big love affair with denim shirts? And the high waist pants and the friggin loafers? You dress like a friggin phys ed coach from Ohio. You go any more butch and people are going to start thinking you're dipping your bucket in the mossy well, if you know what I mean. I mean, if you're gonna be a celebrity CEO, you gotta have a look. Like me. Black turtleneck and jeans. Easy. But classy. Also patented, so don't even think about it.

Anyway, the Megalomaniac won't listen. Too busy helping frigtards buy and sell their old used crap over the Internet, I guess. Total shame.

So maybe Squirrel Boy calls

I'm not saying this conversation actually happened. But I'm not saying it didn't either. He goes:

"So we're developing our own operating system. Don't tell anyone. It's not that we don't like Linux. We do. But we're sick of getting hassled by the Free Software frigtards over the GPL and what pieces we can hold back for ourselves and whatever. So we're gonna roll our own and really make it optimized for running the Google Global Data Center. Gonna start with BSD so we can own everything ourselves. And guess what popular user-friendly mainstream operating system that lets us be very compatible with? You read me, amigo? I think we can do some talking here. We're gonna start on the back end, just our own data centers. But this could have potential in other sites, places doing utility computing for example. Or even on a Google appliance. Have you seen a company called nComputing? Take one PC, Windows or Linux, hook out a string of these little slabs and up to 30 people can share one machine, all over Ethernet. Everybody gets a screen, a keyboard, and a little slave box. Now imagine that the "host" isn't in your office. It's in our data center. Over the Internet instead of Ethernet. And the whole thing runs our OS. With our apps. And maybe some of yours. And maybe some of your middleware stuff. For sure nobody has done a better job of taking a Unix kernel and making it friendly on the top right? So what do you think?"

Now, once again, I'm not saying this conversation actually happened. And I'm not saying that there is now a team of Google engineers working with some of our OS X guys in a secret windowless building on our campus. But I'm not saying there isn't, either. That's all I'm not saying.

So Vista is really gonna ship

And I'm so excited I can hardly yawn. Honestly. Is anyone actually going to attend this event type thing they're having in New York? Ballmer on stage, shouting at the top of his lungs. Frigtard product managers doing demos that crash. Sounds excruciating. Almost as excruciating as actually using their software. Ugh.

Awesome Thanksgiving

Man oh man. I've been so busy all day since getting back from the trip that I haven't had a free minute to do any blogging. But we had such a great holiday. Larry came, with his wife and this Asian girl they met on Craigslist. Sergey bought this post-op tranny he's been seeing (more on that later) as well as his Uncle Fetya, who had his weekend prostitutes with him since the weekday girls get holidays off. Uncle Fetya (shown here in photo) is a total hoot. He has his own party bus. Sergey got him an old yellow short bus and gets off on the fact that Uncle Fetya doesn't get the joke. Uncle Fetya kept asking Larry if he could buy the Asian girl from him, and Larry kept trying to explain that you can't buy and sell people in the United States, but there were all these language issues. Then Uncle Fetya said that tofurkey reminded him of something they used to serve in the prison camp where he spent eight years. Talk about a riot!

Best of all, Bike Helmet Girl came. And she brought a date, some guy she's been seeing. His name is Ja'red (yeah that's how he spells it) and he works at one of those skanky ass coffee houses on 16th Street in the Mission. Or he used to. Let me explain. He came in all shy, sort of anxious to meet me, and Tiffany (aka BHG) explained that he's this huge Steve Jobs fan. (Note: Not an Apple fan; a Steve Jobs fan.) I guess he read my commencement speech and was so impressed that he went to Reed for a while then dropped out and lived on a commune. He showed up at our place with no shoes on, wearing a black turtleneck and jeans, shaved head and beard, little round glasses -- my first thought was this guy was some kind of ballbuster. But no. He's a fan. He knew everything about me. The high school stuff, the Atari days. He knows our entire product line inside out. Better than I do. We ended up just talking and talking. Then I was like, Hey, do you meditate? And we went out back and meditated and I could tell this was just blowing his mind, being around me and everything. And to be honest, I don't blame him. Sometimes I get off on that myself. Like, when I walk past a store window and see my reflection and I'm like, Whoa, I am totally Steve friggin Jobs. Wow.

Anyway, I hired Ja'red. He started at Apple today. He's working in my office as one of my assistants. Showed up in the same clothes as on Thanksgiving. No shoes. Guards wouldn't let him in. I had to go downstairs and fire one of them on the spot just to remind them who's boss. So now Ja'red is roaming the halls and people are looking at me like I'm crazy. But I know what I'm doing. I think he's totally going to work out. He's got some wacky ideas, but sometimes that's what an organization needs. I'm going to rotate him through the various staffs. Manufacturing, engineering, marketing, finance. And I'll have him report back to me. I want to see how someone with no experience, someone absolutely pure, sees things. Full reports to come.

Hello darkness my old friend

Dear friends,
It's Thanksgiving, a time when we all need to pull back from the rat race and spend some time with our loved ones, remembering all the things for which we are grateful. In other words, I'm not gonna be blogging this week. Or not much anyway. I'm pulling a half day today then have to run out and get the tofurkey for Thursday dinner. We're having a big one this year with lots of friends from the Valley. After dinner a bunch of us are getting on the Jobs Jet and zipping out to Polynesia for some R&R. I'm sure I'll have some great stories to tell when we get back. For now let me leave you with one bit of advice: Don't spend this entire long weekend shopping. But if you do go shopping, check out our Apple stores. We've got a great lineup of iPod accessories that make fantastic stocking stuffers. Or heck, splurge and get someone you love a kick-ass new iMac. Nothing says "I love you and value our friendship" like a beautiful white machine that restores a sense of childlike wonder to someone's life. For now, adios, much love and namaste. Kiss your kids. Make love to your wife. Sing as if no one is listening. Dance as if no one is watching. Buy a Zune, set it on fire, and send me the photo. Keep buying those iMacs. Remember to breathe. Peace out.

Caption contest

Okay, so in honor of Thanksgiving, we're veering out of the world of tech. Don't worry, we'll be back to MicroTard bashing next week. Meanwhile have fun with this one. Peace on earth.

Caption winners

Amazing response this week, folks. We got 47 entries, a new record. We've now had to hire an extra intern at FSJ central just to manage the process. As always there were way too many really funny ones but we've tried to pick our favorites. Fake Microsoft Novell Suse Linux vouchers going out to the winners.

Bonanza
"Can't you see he's lying? Can't you see he's the DEVIL?"

Anonymous
Can you believe that it only took me 5 years to copy the iPod?

hoss
Cleaner than shitting in your hand, but somehow just as disgusting!

vaporland
DJ: "Bill, what's brown and smells like failure?"
(Hint: It's not napalm in the morning . . .)

Anonymous
Three faces made for radio

Woz just sent me this

It's a video called "How to Dance Like a White Guy." Woz says they all dance exactly like me. What can I say? Poor Woz is bored. But it is kinda funny.

Do not ever mess with Brad Grey, I'm not kidding

I should warn you that the Shuffle giveaways don't always go as planned. True story. One night I was having dinner at a place up in the city, in the Hayes Valley neighborhood, with Brad Grey of Paramount. He's kind of a small guy, and he's extremely pleasant, very polite and soft-spoken, but I'd always heard about how he came up the hard way, started out by booking bands in Buffalo or something, and supposedly he was this true hard case. Yet I'd never seen that side of him. So anyway. We leave dinner and we're walking to our car and we get approached by this very aggressive homeless guy. Hayes Valley is crawling with them and as you know if you've been to San Francisco these guys can be extremely in-your-face. Brad tenses up but I'm like, Hey, no worries, let me handle this. I whip out a Shuffle and give it to the guy. Usually they just fall speechless and start being all grateful and stuff. Not this guy. He goes, Hey man, what'm I sposedta do with this thing? I try to explain what it is and he goes, Hell, dumb-ass, I know what it is, but maybe you don't understand. Can I smoke this thing? Will it get me high? No. It will not. Now I need some crack, okay? I need to smoke some goddamn crack, right now. So gimme some goddamn green cash money so I can buy some goddamn crack.

So we just keep walking, and I'm trying to tell him to just listen to the Shuffle, he'll enjoy it, it's worth a lot of money, maybe he could sell it, and so on. Guy keeps after us, walking right beside us, not actually touching us but getting pretty close. He starts working on Brad, trying to be funny, saying, Hey man, tell your friend not to be so cheap, man, tell your buddy give me some money. Brad says nothing and won't even look at the guy or acknowledge him, which of course only gets the guy more pissed off. Finally we get to my car and the guy is still following us and giving us shit, saying stuff like, Hey, nice car, you must got some money right, so why not gimme some change, man, or better yet, gimme twenny bucks so I can go buy a rock man, come on, man, don't be a dick, dude, gimme a twenny so I can go get some crack. Then, out of nowhere, the guy produces a pocket knife. Not a big one, but a knife nonetheless. And I realize, it's midnight, we're off in a parking lot with no one around, it's dark, and we're all alone with this psycho, who's waving a knife at me and getting nasty.

At this point Brad just calmly walks around the front of the car to my side, and without saying a word he steps up to the guy and does this little karate-type move, like whack-whack-whack, so fast I can't even see what he's doing. All in one move he knocks the knife out of the guy's hand, spins him around, snaps his neck, and drops him. Bam. He's down, and he's not getting up.Brad says, Get in the car. Don't think. Just get in the car. Let's go.

So we drive off, saying nothing. Once we're out on Van Ness he says, in this tight voice, Hey Steve, that never happened, right? And I'm like, Yeah, well, jeez, Brad, you know, what if someone saw us or called the cops or what if someone knows the guy and they go looking for him or whatever, maybe we should just call the cops and tell them what happened or whatever, I mean the guy came at us, so it was self-defense, right? Wasn't it?

Brad cuts me off and goes, Hey. Look. Do we have a problem here? Do we? Cause if we do, I gotta know that right now, okay?

He waits. I say nothing.

He goes, All right, I'm gonna ask you again. That never happened, right?

And I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

He goes, Good. Very good. Okay. Well, that was a very nice restaurant, Steve. Great recommendation. I shouldn't have had dessert though. I'm gonna regret that tomorrow on the treadmill, right? Well anyway. Thank you for an enjoyable evening. And I'm really looking forward to doing business together.

Lot of people wondered why Sumner Redstone fired everyone else but not Brad Grey. I didn't. Problem is, these are the guys we have to deal with if we want to put movies on iTunes. Maybe now you understand why it's taking us a little longer than expected.

I believe music has the power to transform lives

That's why we made the iPod. Not because of money. But because it could transform lives. And transform the world. That's how all our product decisions begin at Apple. Not with, How much money can we make? But with, Will this product change the world? Will it make the world a better place? Could it help bring about world peace? If the answer is yes, we do it. And we let the money take care of itself. Because if you make a great, transformative product, the money does take care of itself.

And because I believe so much in the power of music, in the last year or so I've started carrying around a half dozen or so Shuffles, pre-loaded with great music. Stuff like Dylan (of course), The Byrds, The Dead, CSNY, Lothar, U2. That way, when I encounter homeless people asking for spare change, I give them a Shuffle and a pair of earbuds instead. So hey, maybe they're camping out under the Cesar Chavez Boulevard exit off 101, huddled in their cardboard box and trying to keep their shopping cart from being stolen, but at least they've got some sweet inspirational tunes to listen to. I like to think that maybe, just maybe, that's made a difference in one or two lives. I've been urging my friends to try this. It's a great thing to do during the holiday season. And yeah, you can write off the value of the Shuffles on your taxes, as long as you hang on to your receipts. So it's a win-win.

Frigtarderrific!

Check out the video of this frigtard slamming into a flagpole and dislocating his jaw while racing into a Wal-Mart after a PS3. Guess news is slow in Milwaukee cause check out the huge amount of time they devote to the story in this video clip. I swear this is even more hilarious than the frigtard who got hit by lightning and blown out of his sneakers while wearing iPod headphones.

Dellron?

So among high-tech finance guys these days I guess there is some kind of parlor game going on about what exactly Dell did that the SEC is busting them over. Among the incredibly long list of excruciatingly boring items covered in my meeting with the number geeks this morning, this was one hot tidbit I actually paid attention to. Apparently sometime in 2004 or 2005 Dell started doing something funky when it comes to financing customer purchases, basically doing its own financing instead of relying on outside partners. And they set up some "off balance sheet" entities to absorb the receivables. That phrase in quote marks may ring a bell; it was at the heart of the allegations lodged against another once high-flying Texas company by the name of Enron. Heard of it? I thought so. Our guys swear that if you pore through Dell's SEC filings like
this one you can see where the bodies are buried. It's all Greek to me. And I'm too busy working on the iPhone to frig around with SEC documents. But the guys in this meeting were going on and on about it. Well, time will tell. Of course Michael Dell will use his frigged up eye as an excuse. "Your Honor, I can't see straight." See how that one flies.

The lesson of the PS3

Is simply this: If you make something cool, price does not matter. Month after month we've been hearing this bitching about how the PS3 was priced too high (and yeah, loads of that was just Microsoft-funded astroturfing, but whatever). Now here it is, at 600 bucks, and people are lining up and waiting outside in the rain for days and even risking their lives to get them. Why? Cause they friggin rock. And the high price only adds to the allure. If anything, Kutaragi could have charged more. Folks, we live in a society where people have a lot of money. Okay? I gotta hand it to Sony. It's a beautiful box. Really nice design. Larry and I both got one in advance. Bono, of course, got ten and he's selling nine of them on Ebay. Bastard.

Friggin Yelptards

So it was all a setup. I've been wondering whether to even blog about this. But I know people are gonna ask. So whatever. I feel kinda sick about the whole thing. But anyway, they're the ones who look like a-holes. They showed up on time, acting all flirty on the drive up to the city, and all flirty during the show and during dinner. So I go into the men's room at Brandy Ho's and take the Viagra. By the time we hit the apartment in Pacific Heights I'm walking with a limp and my nose is all stuffed up and it's all good. I get out a bottle of champagne. They go change into these sexy pajamas. We kick back on the couch. I start to make my move and suddenly they leap up, all offended, like, Oh my God, you didn't think this was a date, did you? And they're acting sort of mortified and amused at the same time. And then sad. Like, oh, you poor old man, you really did think this was a date, didn't you? Then they started talking about Death in Venice and talking about this crush I have on Bike Helmet Girl who looks like she's 14 years old and how it's one of those mortality things where you see the end of your own life drawing closer and what you're really in love with is youth and life but it gets transferred into sexuality, this kind of base desire, and they started calling me Aschenbach and then Catriona started reciting Yeats's "Sailing to Byzantium," with this stuff about old dudes still feeling sick with desire and whatever.

In other words: Yeah. Excruciating. No doubt the whole thing was recorded somehow and is gonna show up on YouTube in the next day or so. Well, I feel like an ass. Kind of. Bigger problem was that then it was one in the morning and I've got a raging Viagra boner and if you've ever taken Viagra you know it can have some side effects including some not-so-pleasant things involving your digestive tract. Add to that the effect of super-spicy Hunan food, the kind that "burns three times" as they say in Mexico (hint: the third time is the dog's nose) and you'll got the picture. The girls went to bed, and I spent a memorable hour in the bathroom, groaning, and staring down at Little Stevie, this evil bastard of a third leg which wouldn't go away. Finally at about 4:30 I got back into disguise and drove down to the Tenderloin and had Stevie Junior taken care of by some "woman" who was taller than me and had bigger hands, and who had the nerve to say, as she was getting out of my car, "Dude, nobody is gonna buy that iTV thing. Seriously." Then when I pulled my jeans back on my wallet was gone. Nice, right?

On the bright side, Bike Helmet Girl's performance was amazing. I am even more in love with her now than I was before. Seriously. I was gonna go out back after the show and try to meet her, but the Make Out Girls insisted on leaving early. All part of the plan, I realize now. Not sure but I think they were all in cahoots on this, like it was some kind of Yelptard conspiracy to get revenge or something. I dunno. I'd like to think that Bike Helmet Girl is being sincere and really likes me as much as I like her. Christ. Jobso, get a grip. I mean, will ya listen to me? Here I am, just after getting played like a frigtard by the Make Out Girls, and I'm still hoping that Bike Helmet Girl might be sincere. Hope springs eternal I guess. So does Little Stevie, who's still under the influence of Vitamin V and standing at attention. Worse yet, I get to the office and there's an urgent message from Peter Oppenheimer saying we've got to meet with some lawyers and finance guys today. Great. I'd rather have a friggin colonoscopy than listen to those idiots.

Anyhoo. That was my big night out. Tiffany, I still have the MacBook Pro in my car. And you were great. Honestly. Amazing. You really are talented. And beautiful. I don't care if I'm making a fool of myself. You're the best. I mean it.

God sometimes I am such a putz.

I'm blogging from Beijing

Ha! Not really. But that's my cover story, so keep it quiet. I'm actually up in the city making sure the apartment is ready for tomorrow night. Larry gave me some of his Viagra. Not embarrassed to say that ever since I turned the big Five-Oh things haven't been as rigid as they used to be in the penicular department. Hey. It happens. But with a little help from my old pal Vitamin V I'm like a 19-year-old again. I can friggin stand on it and spin like a break dancer, no lie. I've also just spent a good deal of time going through a bunch of shops in North Beach looking for super-sheer condoms. Found the perfect ones, made in Japan from some special space-age material that you can't even feel. Twenty bucks per skin, but totally worth it, so I'm told. (Again: Thanks, Larry.) The big occasion, as I've said before, is Bike Helmet Girl's dance performance tomorrow night at DragonBar in North Beach, San Francisco from 6-8pm with her group called DOUBLE VISION. I'll be there with the Yelptard Make Out Girls, Catherine and Catriona. Hope to see as many FSJ readers as possible at the big event. I'll probably be blogging before then. But you never know. If not, see you at DragonBar. I'll be in disguise. I'm still hoping to connect with Bike Helmet Girl and don't want her to see me with these two bisexual skanks from UC-Santa Cruz. So you won't be able to spot me. But I'll tell you what. If you wear a name tag of some sort, I'll make myself known to you. Put something on the name tag like, "I'm friends with Fake Steve," or "Have you seen Fake Steve?" or "Yelp sucks." Something like that. Peace out.

Friggin Bono will sell anything

Dude, even if you are giving the money charity (and I wouldn't be so sure), there are just some things that don't belong on Ebay. And what are people thinking when they bid on this? It's not like he's the first person who ever had a high colonic. They're acting like it's a saint's relic. Sheesh.

At last I can announce this

Huge news. Apple has just been awarded an exclusive contract by the government of Kazakhstan to provide computers to all government offices and schools. It's a five-year deal worth hundreds of millions, possibly billions of dollars. We'll be putting out a press release later this week. Above is a photo of our Central Asia regional director, Yuri Yobtvoyumat (right), with Nursultan Nazarbayev, the president of Kazakhstan, just after signing the deal.

This is what I've been trying to hint at lately with the Borat bashing posts. Let me explain. The deal came down to us versus Lenovo. As you know, Lenovo is basically IBMers. As you may not know, IBMers, despite their clean-cut, All-American boy image, are in fact the dirtiest, skeeviest SOBs in the world when it comes to fighting for deals. They'll do anything. In this case what they did was throw up a bunch of phony Web sites and blogs where they planted all these articles claiming that I was great friends with Sacha Baron Cohen and that Apple Computer had funded the Borat movie and helped edit the film.

I don't know what kind of sick, depraved a-hole puts up a fake Web site and starts making up lies about people. But anyway. We had to counter this. Yuri struck on the idea of using my blog. We decided I'd start bashing on Borat, and Yuri would make sure those items were seen by the right people in the government. We also set up a few other blogs where we claimed Lenovo is filled with CIA spooks who are trying to infiltrate the Chinese government, just as the Chinese are using Lenovo to plant their own intelligence spooks into the United States, and did Kazakhstan really want to get in the middle of all that? Did they really want the Chinese and the Americans sending spies into their country in the guise of computer salesmen? Ha! Yuri's guys even took photos of the Lenovo guys and invented fake CIA "dossiers" about them. Take that, Lenovo!

Anyhoo. I'm starting to realize these blogs can actually be a competitive weapon. And a CEO blog can be more than a vanity thing; it can be a sales tool. Because, no lie, those Borat-bashing posts put us over the top. Today, just hours ago, the Kazakhs signed the deal.

Special shout-out to Sacha Baron Cohen, who was a total mensch about the whole thing. Sacha (who by the way totally loves our new MacBooks) actually is an old pal of mine, and knew about the whole thing in advance. "Hey, business is business," was how he put it. He even helped write some of that stuff bashing himself, and really got into it. That's just the kind of class act he is. Well done, Sacha. I owe you big time. Go into any Apple store, pick out as much stuff as you want, and tell them to charge it to me. Jankuem!

Uncle Fetya wants a Batmobile

So Sergey calls me and he's like, Dude, do you know any of these guys who make custom cars, like the guys who make those hotrods for ZZ Top or whatever? Cause here's why. Uncle Fetya's been watching these old Batman reruns, the TV show version with Adam West, and he says he wants a Batmobile like the original one for him to drive around in out here. I think he even wants to get costumes for the two of us; not sure.

So I tell him I can put him in touch with Jon Ive who has all these freaky design friends and can probably hook him up. And I go, But Sergey, it's probably gonna cost a fortune, you realize that, right? He goes, Hey, who do you think I am? Bono? Ha! I read your blog, Steve. Love it, man. Good stuff. You missed your calling, man, I'm not even joking. Do some more stuff about Squirrel Boy, we all love those; and maybe something about Larry's teeth. Poor bastard. Anyway, yeah, my dude, I don't care what the car costs. Poor old Uncle Fetya. Guy comes from Krasnodar. Ever heard of it, Steve? Trust me, after what he's been through, Uncle Fetya can have twenty friggin Batmobiles. I bought him the house next door to me. Cost me a fortune to get the neighbor to move out. Oh well. I'm paying a pair of Japanese hookers to live with him too. We write them up as nannies, pay them salaries and benefits. Who cares? While we're sitting here talking I'm looking down at my desk and our stock just went up 30 cents, which means I just made fourteen million bucks. Life is good, Steve. Anyway, thanks for the hookup on the Batmobile. Gotta run.

I'm sorry, Bono, but I'm your friend and you need to hear this

So my pal Bono has been calling me all bummed out lately cause he's getting all this bad press, with stories like this one about him suing some babe to get back some stuff he gave her a long time ago, and this one and a zillion others like it tearing him a new one for moving his company to the Netherlands to avoid paying taxes in Ireland, after badgering the Irish government and everybody else on God's green earth to pay more taxes so we could feed the starving Africans. "Oh, Steve," he goes, "I'm gettin fookin crucified over dis tax thing! Jaysus!" I told him hey, don't read the papers, but he can't help himself, he reads everything, and he takes it all to heart; I mean it really, really hurts him.

But here's the thing. I can't bear to say this to Bono in person, so I'm using my blog as a way to do it instead. Bono, the reason these stories strike a nerve is cause they're kinda true. Bottom line: You're cheap. There. I said it.

Fact is, Bono is without a doubt the cheapest bastard I've ever met. Tighter than a duck's ass, and that's watertight, as they say in East Palo Alto. I mean I've seen him take bread home from restaurants. Says he's gonna give it to homeless people. Instead he puts in the trunk of his car. Then he drives around with bags of leftovers in there, piling up. Yeah. He's that kind of cheap. The weird kind. The kind who asks for extra peanuts on flights, and keeps them, and uses teabags twice, and drives around trying to find out which station has the cheapest gas. The other guys in the band used to call him "Ken," as in "Ken I bum a fiver?" And guess who's always hitting me up for free Macs and iPods? "Oh, Steve, me cousin Siobhan wants an iMac, can you send me one over? The one with the giant screen. She saw it in a magazine and she says to me, `Oh, Paulie, don't it look just like a fookin telly!' Oh, you should meet me cousin Siobhan, Steve, she's a hoot. Total Northsider. Oh, and can you send one over for me cousin Donal in Howth, and his wife Niamh, and their daughter Sorcha? Tanks, pal. By the way do you know how a Northsider proposes marriage? He goes, `Yer fookin wha?' Ha! Get it?" And I'm like, Hey, cool, Bono taught me a new joke; now I don't feel so bad about sending over ten thousand bucks' worth of my precious computers.

The other guys in the band are just as cheap as Bono. Friggin millionaires and yet they're the biggest sponges you ever met in your life. The Edge steals packets of Equal from Starbucks, I'm not kidding. And basically I'm the way they do their Christmas shopping every year. Hey, if any relatives of U2 members are reading this, I'm the one who should get the "Thank you" cards this year, okay? That's right. Steve Jobs, aka Santa Claus, c/o the North friggin Pole. Or maybe you can send email if you don't want to pay for a stamp. Goddamn Larry Mullen sent me a list last year, all the people who he needed to send gifts to and which model each one wanted. I'm like, Dude, should I gift wrap them for you too and fill out the cards, or can you handle that part yourself?

Couple months ago Bono calls and says, Hey, Steve, I wanna give iPods to all the crew, sort of a tankyou fer the toor and all, whattaya think? I'm like this close to telling him to just walk into a store with a credit card and friggin buy them like everyone else, but you know how it is. So I wussed out and sent him thirty iPods. And I swear he sold some of them on Ebay. No kidding. He's got an account.

Only time Bono isn't cheap is when he's drunk. Then he spends money like, well, a drunken Irishman. I mean I've seen him stumble out of a bar and walk across the street and buy a Mercedes for a girl he'd just met a half hour ago. Crazy shit. But sober? You couldn't pry a dime from between his ass cheeks. Now he's suing some dame to get his Stetson hat back. And scamming on his taxes. Bono, I love you. You know that. But you need help. I'm not even gonna get into it with the gambling problem and the eating disorder. One thing at a time, right? And hey: How does a Northsider admit he's got a problem? He goes, "I'm fookin wha?" Ha! Get it?

CNN mocks the Zune

Much love to the reader who sent in this link where the CNN anchors don't even pretend to be impressed by the Zune. In fact the segment turns into an ad for the new Shuffle. Love it.

Caption contest

Okay, this one is almost too easy. But anyway, have fun. We're all sitting here anxiously awaiting your ideas.

UPDATE: This is Gates and some radio station DJ from Seattle, announcing the Zune. Sorry I neglected to include that info before.

Caption winners part 2

We had a harder time on the Bono photo. There were really a lot of good ones. But here are the selections.

anothergene
GW: So, do you talk to Cher much any more?
Bono: Git yur fookin hand off me arse.

Del Gue
Congrats, you beat my record. 10 beers in 10 minutes. Don't know how you did it.

vaporland
"Laura loved you in 'Dirty Dancing'"

Anonymous
Hey Cheney, check this out! When you squeeze his right buttock, his left arm pops up!

Caption winners

Well once again it was a long night at FSJ Central as the entire staff of researchers and writers struggled to agree on caption winners. But here we go:

Anonymous:
And on the eighth day God said: "Aw, screw it. I'm gonna stick you with this douchebag."

wikipeepee
W: Yes Helen, I agree. This does look like Steve Jobs back in '77.

anothergene
gw: Phew... is it getting warm in here?
Jesus: Get used to it.

Operative C
Jesus to apostle: "See, it's pretty much the biggest game of Sims ever. There are like a billion of them, and I can fuck with 'em however I want. Like look at this guy I made their leader. He's pretty much retarded, which is awesome, because half of them are retarded too and follow him around, and the other half are all pissed off but can't do anything about it because I rig all the elections. Oh, hey, did I show you the roller coaster I'm making..."

Eat my ass, Lawrence Lessig

As long as I'm ranting about My Little Pony and this notion of open source, there's something else I want to get off my chest. It's Larry Lessig of Stanford Law School. This douchebag is always going around telling everyone should give away their stuff for free and talking smack about Apple for using DRM. Check out this article just for one example of him bitching about Apple's operating system not being free. Dude, tell you what. You go write a friggin operating system as good as OS X, and you give it away free and let anyone frig with it however they want. Okay? You do that, and then we'll talk. Right. Let me know how that works out. I'll sit here holding my breath.

Riddle me this: Is it not ironic that a "radical" like Larry Lessig, who devotes himself to telling other people to give away their work for free, is himself employed (and handsomely paid) by the ultimate example of an organization that profits by roping off intellectual property and forcing people to pay exorbitant fees to get access to it? Try walking into one of the libraries at Stanford to borrow a book. See what happens.

If Larry really believed what he said (ie if he wasn't just a guy who wants an excuse to steal other people's work and dress this thievery up as some noble cause) he would be railing against his own employer. Why doesn't Stanford "open source" all of its courses and make them available at no cost over the Internet, and let people earn degrees without paying tuition? Wouldn't that make the world a better place, if we had all these highly educated people running around? Isn't it "immoral" and "unethical" for Stanford to be hoarding its intellectual property instead of sharing it with the "community"?

Larry, I'll open source OS X when you open source your university. Or resign in protest. And start giving away your books and course lectures. Until then, eat me. Seriously. You friggin hypocrite. You pompous phony. Eat my ass.

Damn you Bill Gates! I knew I should have bought an iPod!

One week out of the chute and already these POS things are crashing and having software "installation errors." I love it. Much love to the reader who sent in a link to this photo on the Engadget site.

It's official: Java now worth zero

So by now you've heard the "big news." After years of trying to figure out ways to make money on Java, and all the while pretending that they actually are making loads of money on Java (while refusing to break out any numbers) Sun has thrown in the towel. They're open-sourcing Java -- ie, giving it away free and declaring victory. My fave quote from My Little Pony came in this morning's Journal, where he says the move "really allows us to look at the current billion installed base and say how do we get to the next billion." Yes, but, Ponytail Boy, let's say you get your "base" to a trillion, or a zillion, who cares if you're not getting paid? Why does it matter? Well, but in the world of MLP logic, this would all be a huge success for Sun.

One thing they seem to be overlooking: Though Sun gets not a penny for Java, they still have to pay people to manage it. I'm pretty sure the Director of Open Source at Sun isn't getting paid with "good will" and happy vibes from the "community." Pretty sure he wants to be paid in U.S. dollars, since that is what he uses to pay his mortgage and kids' college tuition. So think about this. The bigger Java gets, the more people Sun must hire and pay to manage it. Or: the more Sun "wins," the more money it loses. Ponytail Boy has just turned a non-performing asset into a friggin boat anchor. And better yet, they've made their development process even more chaotic and confused and difficult to manage, because now any frigtard with a computer can start hacking away at Java and frigging it all up, and Sun gets to manage all of them, and can no longer set the direction of its own code. Wow, Jonathan, this is truly brilliant. A real departure from the old way of doing business, where you build your own product, and the more widgets you sell, the more money you make. Why you've just turned the entire field of economics on its head! Wow! Did they teach you this at McKinsey? Soon you can teach a course at Stanford about this. Heck, you could team-teach with Larry Lessig, explaining how you turned Java into a sinkhole that keeps digging itself bigger and bigger.

I'm sorry but I gotta say this. For those of us in the Valley who once admired Sun, it is just terribly sad to see this once-great company lurching around in a death spiral with this mad phony hippie at the controls. Say what you will about Scooter -- and God knows I've said a lot -- but at least he would have gone down fighting. Heck, even Palmisano at IBM has had the good sense to sell off the pieces of his company rather than just give them away. Note to Jonathan: Go study IBM. That is how you dismantle a company. Call old Sammy P, or Three-Fingers Lou. They'll teach you all about it and maybe even give you some financial pointers on how to make profits go up even while sales are going down. (Hint: You raid the pension fund.)

Funny thing is that MLP called me over the weekend and told me about this Java news and he was all excited like he was going to be announcing some huge big news that was gonna shake the whole world to its very foundation. (No kidding, this is really how he thinks, like the whole universe revolves around him and everyone is just sitting around with bated breath, waiting to hear what hugely important move Sun is going to announce next. Ahem.) Then he started trying to get me to open-source OS X. I'm like, Dude, I'm not running a charity here, okay? I've got mouths to feed. He goes, Oh, but Steve, that's not it at all, you're totally missing the point, this is a way to build market share and end up really winning huge in the end. I'm like, Jonathan, let's not kid ourselves. This open source maneuver is what companies do when they can't figure out how to unload a piece of code and they figure they might as well get some good will out of it. It's where old programs go to die. Used to be you could just sell crappy old programs to the bandits at Computer Associates. Now you gotta open source the code and try to take some credit for being some kind of big philanthropist. My feeling is, frig philanthropy. I'm all about the Benjamins. Always have been.

Jonathan, this is a hard truth but you have to swallow it: If you've got something that for whatever reason nobody is willing to pay you money for, that's the world's way of telling you to go do something else. I didn't go to B school but even I know that. Hell, a kid running a lemonade stand knows that. And the fact is, my operating system kicks ass. It's the best OS in the world. Damn right you gonna pay for it, motherfrigger, and you gonna pay a lot. And you know what? Unlike Java, people are happy to pay for my operating system, cause it friggin kicks ass.

Jonathan goes, But you're giving away your OS for free, bundled onto your boxes. I'm like, Au contraire, dude. The hardware is the part that's worth nothing. You know what a Mac Mini is? It's a pretty white container for OS X. I control every step of how it's loaded on there, and make it frigtard-proof. That's what you're paying me for.

Anyway, congratulations, Jonathan, on your earth-shattering news. Maybe now you should go blog about this. Seriously, the whole world is just dying to hear your every little thought about how you came to this momentous decision.

Now Borat is writing to me. Sheesh.

This just in from the man himself. Friends, I know the Borat posts have been somewhat controversial. However, I would like to take yet another opportunity here to denounce the comedian Sacha Baron Cohen and his repugnant stereotype character Borat, who is not funny.

(Dudes, trust me on this. I know what I'm doing. I'll explain everything as soon as I can.)

The really amazing thing about iTunes

Most people, when they talk about iTunes and the iPod, rave about the seamless connection, the reliability, the simplicity, the ease of us, and so forth. And those things are fantastic, it's true. And they were not easy to do. Not at all. But the real accomplishment of iTunes, the truly backbreaking work, is something that nobody ever sees. And yet it is tremendously difficult work and I want to take a moment to thank the people who do it. I'm talking about the work we have to do to negotiate with these criminals in the music business and keep them in line. Honestly, you can't believe how these guys behave. They lie. They cheat. They go back on their word. They stab you in the back. They look you right in the eye and tell you something, then turn around and swear on their children that they never said any such thing. You ever see the Chuck Norris movie where he's taken prisoner in Vietnam and they hang him upside down and put a bag of rats over his head? That's what it's like when you have to deal with these guys. They're like a cross between Tony Soprano, Bill Gates and the monster from "Alien". They're so evil we had to hire a special team of extra evil lawyers who used to work in the music business so they know all the tricks.

Here's what I mean. You spend years negotiating with these sons of whores, and they fight you on every sentence, every word, every angle; and then you finally strike a deal and you think, Okay, we're done. But no. You're not done at all. Signing a deal means nothing. It's like it never even happened. They just keep at you, every day, pushing, cheating, pushing some more, changing the terms, trying to raise the price of songs above 99 cents or to find a way to get a bigger slice for themselves. They know more ways to screw you than Paris Hilton. They've spent decades working on it, and practicing on recording artists. And let's face it, swindling a musician is like stealing lunch money from the kids who ride to school on the short bus. What's amazing is not that the labels are so clever but that they're friggin brazen and shameless and awful. They're like guys who steal purses from old ladies, and then brag about it. Even when you catch them cheating on a deal, they don't even apologize; they just move on to the next swindle. It's like being attacked by bees; you've got this swarm of crooks all feeding on you, taking their little bites and leaving their little stingers in you.

Now their new line is they're using Microsoft against us. "Hey, Ballmer's giving us XYZ, so you gotta do that too." I tell them, Look, if you push us too hard and you're gonna put us out of business. Their answer: "Who gives a shit? Some other a-hole will make a music box. Sony, Samsung, Nokia, the list goes on. Look, Jobso, you need us more than we need you. What are you gonna do? Go hire geeks to write songs for you? No. We own the content. That means we're in control." You ever meet Lyor Cohen at Warner? First time I met him I thought he was one of the bodyguards. He looks like he should be working as a bouncer at a club someplace. Or a repo man. But no. He's an executive. He wears a suit. And a very big shiny stupid wristwatch. Yes, Lyor takes himself very seriously. So we all have to pretend to take him seriously too. The others aren't much better. Tommy Mottola? Every time he opens his mouth I have to fight the urge to burst out laughing. Then you've got the rap guys, who are just ridiculous. It's like, Let's talk business, and then if you wanna buy a dime bag on the way out, they can take care of that too. Hell, even the big guys like Levy at EMI and Stringer at Sony aren't much different; they just use better language and know how to hold a knife and fork. Man oh man. Every time I shake hands with these guys I check afterward to make sure I still have my watch and wallet. Then as soon as the meeting is over I rush to my room and take a long, hot shower. If I'd known a decade ago that I'd have to deal with these skeevbags I might not have even done the iPod, honestly.

Thing is, they're in a dying business, and they know it. Sure they act all cool because they hang around with rock stars. But beneath all the hoopla and hype, all these guys really are is distributors. That's it. They've got big warehouses and they control the distribution of little plastic boxes that happen to have music in them. We all know what the Internet does to distributors. Look around at the music retailers and see how well they're doing these days. And the tide is rising. Next to go are those big stupid warehouses. The label guys know it. Which is why they're fighting like cornered rats.

My feeling is if you're gonna do business with rats then you gotta hire a bunch of Jack Russell terriers to go in there and snap their necks. That's where our Apple lawyers come in. Then I personally take the opposite approach. On the rare occasions when I actually have to sit in the same room and breathe the same air as they're breathing, I just go all Zen on these guys, and say things like, "Let's let the lawyers hammer out the details."

Problem is, the movie guys are even worse. In the pecking order of evil, they're like three rungs above the music guys, and one rung below John Doerr but with a few fingers reaching up and almost grabbing hold. This is why we don't have much video content on iTunes yet. Not because we don't want to, but because dealing with these crooks in Hollywood is like walking into a buzzsaw. Day after day after day. There's no concept at all of making a fair and equitable deal where both sides benefit. No. It's all about how much can you chisel out of the other side. And look. I'm not complaining. We're making money. Lots of it. And we're gonna make even more money down the road. History is on our side. All I'm saying is, next time you click on iTunes, and download something you love, and you listen to that song and it restores that sense of childlike wonder to your life, say a little silent "thank you" to that pack of evil motherfrigger Apple lawyers who made it possible. Peace out.

My blog is so much better than Jonathan Schwartz's

I gotta admit, doing a CEO blog isn't easy. I put it off for a long time, even though people were really bugging me to do it. I'll be honest -- I was kinda scared. What would I write about? Would people rip me to shreds on the comment strings? But it's been pretty fun, all in all. One thing that's been particularly fun is just kicking the bejesus out of Ponytail Boy's blog. I guess you'd have to know Jonathan to understand. He just sooo loves himself. And he was bugging me for months to do a blog, which really was just his way of trying to tell me how great his blog was. So it's been really, really satisfying to blow him away. I mean, not that I'm counting readers or anything. But I do have a lot more than he does, apparently.

BTW, I'm sworn to secrecy on this, but Jonathan is going to make a big announcement tomorrow. I don't want to spoil the surprise. (God knows I hate when friggin bloggers do that to me.) So I'll be a mensch and wait for Jonathan to make it official before I make fun of it here.

Speaking of transsexuals

Check out the look on Ballmer's face in this interview where CNET sent a tranny to interview him. He looks just a wee bit uncomfortable, no? Yeah. Like he wants to jump out the window. Friggin CNET totally does this to frig with people's heads. That's why most of us won't let them get anywhere near us. Ask old Squirrel Boy about it; he banned them for a year once. The worst thing about CNET is they do things like send this tranny to interview you and then they totally act all serious and earnest so you can't bust them on it. I can just imagine that dick Kanellos sitting there going, "Ballmer, eh? And we're getting fifteen minutes? And we can only talk about Zune, nothing else? Okay. Let's send Ina." I'll say this about Ina, she's about the least passable shemale you'll ever encounter. Nice rack, however.

One more thing: Is my hearing going bad, or does Ballmer say, "afixianado" in this interview? Guess he got flustrated or something.

Sergey, I'm sorry, but Blogger blows

Seriously, my Slavic pal. This system sucks ass. I just moved over to the new version and it sucks even worse than the old one did. What is up with you freaks? If we made iTunes this shitty we'd never hear the end of it. You guys throw this crap up as if it's something you hacked in your spare time between making dollar signs out of Legos and boning transsexuals. Ugh.

An old friend writes in

Just heard from a guy who used to be a faithful reader but got upset about the gay longhair stuff. He writes in to say:

"Thank you thank you thank you for having the courage to stand up to this ridiculous Sacha Baron Cohen and his racist, anti-gay agenda. His Bruno character is a horrible gay stereotype, the limp-wristed queen who goes around preying on straight men. It's horribly offensive and demeaning. Ali G and Borat are equally appalling. Blacks, Muslims and gays -- these are Sacha Baron Cohen's targets. And the world loves him for it. Well, thanks but no thanks. And thank you, Fake Steve, for saying what needs to be said!"

More on Borat

So I was talking to Catherine, the hot member of the Make Out Girls (on the right in the photo, in the tight gray Givenchy skirt) and we were making plans to go see Bike Helmet Girl in her performance this Thursday night in San Francisco. Catherine and Catriona are gonna drive over from Santa Cruz (they're grad students, lit crit and film studies) and then we're gonna drive up to SF together, watch the show, catch some late dinner, and crash at my apartment in the city. (My wife thinks I'm gonna be in Beijing. Cool eh?) Anyhoo. Catherine says she saw my blog item on Borat and wanted to tell me that it was "spot on," as she says in her semi-fake-British East-Coast-intellectual quasi-Mid-Atlantic accent. (She did a Fulbright year at Oxford and has never completely lost the accent. Which frankly I consider quite hot and at not at all pretentious or phony.) She says it doesn't matter whether SBC doesn't realize that he's tapping into anti-Islamic sentiment. He's doing it. Then she went on and on about authorial intent and the agency of the audience and the Jungian unconscious and racism and fear of Muslims and whatever.

"We disagree with you about Borat being not funny. We think he's very funny. But you're right that this phenomenon is sad. It's sad to think that we live in a country that is so psychologically wounded that it finds Borat funny. We are interested in studying how people exploit fear and use it to manipulate crowds. Herr Bush and Herr Rove are working the same vein as Borat. Difference is just that SBC and his Hollwood backers simply want to make money. As for the Hollywood guys, don't imagine they don't know what they're doing with this film either. You do realize they hire people like us to study this for them before they put up the money?"

Dudes, I have no idea what any of this horsecrap means, and I don't care. All I know is I'm soooo gonna get some high-IQ punani on Thursday night. And in this case we're talking two brainiac chicks at the same time. Catherine made a point of telling me that they're not lesbians, they're bisexual. Dude, I haven't had a three-way since I was dating Joan Baez. (Not telling who the third person was, but let's just say you might not be reading this today if he hadn't invented Ethernet.) So. El Jobso and two hot grad students. My hands are shaking as I write this. Thursday night I'm packing a bag of mushrooms, a trunk full of free MacBook Pros and iPods, and a half gallon of baby oil. Larry Ellison, eat your heart out. I can't friggin wait.

One more thing: The photo above was taken by Mitchell Aidelbaum, aka "Maximum Mitch," aka King o Da Pimps. Much love, Maximum Mitch. See your fat ass Thursday at the show. And bring your friggin camera cause it's not every day you get to meet El Jobso. And if you miss this chance you ain't gonna get another, I promise.

Ed Zander has become a monk

This rumor has been going around for a while now but I didn't believe it. Now someone has sent me these photos of a monk from the Zen Buddhist Temple of Chicago. Calls himself Rev. Kongo Langlois Roshi. It's a remarkable transformation. Ed, all I can say is: Namaste. I bow to you. The Q phone was not that big of a disaster. Though I did warn you not to use Windows. Anyway. Good luck on your new path. Remember to breathe. Peace.

I'm sorry, but Borat isn't funny

I know everybody is howling about this Borat character. People are roaming around the halls of Apple, going, "Naice," in that doofy voice of his. Now look. I know that at a time when we all feel really threatened by Muslims, it's kind of funny to have this goofball Muslim character with his big Hussein mustache making stupid mistakes and expressing all these backward opinions about women and Jews, and washing his face in toilet bowls and so forth. Kinda makes everyone less scared if you can reduce the person you're afraid of to a kind of joke. Hasn't anyone else figured out yet that this is what Borat is all about? Hey, it's been done before. The Marx Brothers, Charlie Chaplin, even the Three Stooges. It was funny then, and maybe even necessary, but this time around it just makes me feel sad.

I suppose it's sly that Sacha Baron Cohen masks the anti-Islamic stuff by playing up the Eastern European aspect, using the bogus Cyrillic lettering (yeah, trust me on this, those words don't spell anything, it's all bullshit) and the vaguely Polish-Czech words like "jagshemash" and "jankuem." The idea I guess is to make Borat seem vaguely Russian. Cohen also gets away with a lot because he's usually making fun of American yokels. But come on, folks. This is really raw anti-Islamic stuff. I'm shocked that nobody seems to have noticed this. Dudes, Kazakhs are Muslim. Their president is called Nursultan Nazarbayev. And yes he is most definitely a Muslim. So is a guy named Borat Sagdiyev. Think about it. Borat is a Muslim stereotype: piggish toward women, unaware of the West, anti-Semitic, crude and obnoxious. And yeah, okay, right now that's what sells in our country. But it's so sad, really. I look at those people standing in lines outside cinemas, waiting to go in and giggle at the dopey Muslim, and I just see a big long line of fear. Look, I'm scared too. We're all scared that these frigtards are gonna get hold of a nuke and blow us all back into the Stone Age. Still, when I see people lining up for Borat, it makes me feel bad for our country.

I've been accused of some things here on this blog by people who thought I was being anti-Islamic. Well, that kind of criticism really stings, mostly because it's just not true. I'm pretty sure we have lots of Muslims at Apple, though I'd never ask so I don't really know. I do know we have lots of Sikhs, cause you can tell who they are with those wild turbans. Not sure whether Sikhs are Muslims or not. Anyway they're definitely similar, and I don't mean that in the bad way; not that there is a bad way. Whatever. Anyway, on behalf of my Muslim friends -- and for the sake of your own humanity -- I ask you this favor: Don't go see this movie. Don't give this guy your money. Don't give in to fear. Give in to love. Do something positive this weekend. Go up to someone you don't know and introduce yourself and say hi. If possible, go up to someone who seems foreign, someone who's different from you, maybe someone who even scares you a little. Overcome that fear. Learn about their culture. Make a new friend. Go to the Apple store together, and admire the iPods. Heck, buy one for some immigrant kid, and makes his day. You can afford it. You know you can. Better yet, walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Try wearing a hijab for a day. Or one of those wild Sikh turbans. Go to services at a different church. Spread love, not fear. Pay it forward. Okay. Enough said. Peace out.

Gates sentenced to death by hanging

Katie Cotton just rushed in with this story from the AP wire. As expected, the Microsoft Novell deal is now starting to have some repercussions at the EU Commission. Here's Mr. Bill being escorted out of a courtroom by EU antitrust commissioner Neelie Kroes after a panel of judges sentenced him to death by hanging, saying it's the only way they can see now to stop him. Apparently the EuroTards freaked when they read about the Novell deal and realized their government agencies will be devoting years of effort and millions of Euros to remove Microsoft programs from their data centers only to replace them with ... Microsoft programs. They also got spooked when they uncovered some internal Microsoft emails which referred to the deal as "Operation Lebensraum" and called Ron Hovsepian by the code name "Neville." All I can say is, Bill, you brought this on yourself. You've got 95% market share, but that's still not enough. Old friend, though Apple and everyone else in the Valley were lobbying for this verdict, still, I almost feel bad for you. Almost.

A new broom in Washington

So obviously I'm very excited about the outcome of the election. I think the new leadership is going to be fantastic for the country and I think they've got some really great ideas, with the exception of things like Nancy Pelosi's idea to make flag burning mandatory in public schools. Otherwise I'm down with just about everything. The five dollar tax on gas. The immediate withdrawal from Iraq. Nobel Peace Prizes for Ahamadinejad and King John Ill so that they'll finally feel loved and will stop trying to make nukes. (So clever, that one.) Amnesty for all illegal aliens and an immediate revocation of all immigration laws. (That one is one we at Apple lobbied for cause we sooo need the engineers. I'm not even kidding.) Loads of subsidies for green tech ventures so patriotic guys like T.J. Rodgers and John Doerr can dare to make those risky bets needed to make solar energy a reality in our lifetime. And, um, a new airline for Richard Branson in America. You just know that'll be so killer, with like hot British stewardesses in miniskirts and scones for a snack, right? (Not that I'll fly on it, cause commercial airlines give me hives. But for the average person it'll be a tremendous value-add.) Finally, if Santa really wants to be nice, she could think about putting a leash on those Rottweilers at the SEC who are hassling all those hard-working CEOs who are only trying to make the world a better place by creating beautiful objects that restore a sense of childlike wonder to our lives. (Hint, hint. Check's in the mail, Nancy.)

Angry Jesus revokes GOP license, vows to "beat some asses"

In the wake of the GOP's stunning defeat, Jesus Christ of Nazareth announced he had revoked that party's license to use his name and likeness in its advertisements henceforth. The Lord of Hosts delivered a stunning public beatdown to a cringing Party of God leader Georgius Bushicus (photo above), saying, "Mission accomplished? No kidding, motherf***er!" Angry Jesus emphasized, however, that he had not decided to switch allegiance to the Democrats. "I might just stay out of politics from now on. Too early to say. For right now it's just time to beat some asses. And y'all know exactly which asses I'm talking about." Sources close to Jesus say scourgings were delivered to sodomite pharisee Theodorus Haggardus as well as to apostles Tomas Delayicus, Johanus Abramofficus, Ricardius Hypocriticus Santorum and Marcus Folius (R.-Gomorrah), to whom Christ declared, "Commandment Number Eleven: Thou shalt not bone teenage boys in an election year!"

Caption contest II

In case ye don't wanna make fun of yer man St. Paul (the patron saint of significant eyewear) here's another shot with his alter ego instead. Contestants are most definitely allowed to compete in both contests.

Caption contest

Since it's election day, I figured we'd go with a political theme. But I'm throwing in me boyo here to keep it fookin lively. Have at it, lads.

Caption winners

Dudes, you outdid yourselves on the MicroTards lineup. So many entries and so many good ones! The team here at FSJ headquarters spent long hours debating the merits of these entries and were up most of the night. At last we've decided to praise a bunch of them. Much love to all who participated. Fake Nanos to the following standouts.

pauldwaite:
Ballmer: "We are gonna own spring break this year."

Steveness:
Check it out, DOUCHE SANDWICH!

Anonymous:
Dockers, we can't make your software look good but we can make you look good... er mildly approachable... forget it! Just bring in the hobos for the commercial.

Gemillam:
Bill: C'mon, Steve, ask her to dance...
Steve: I will, I will! Just give me a minute...

Anonymous:
All those that don't know what a clitoris is, please stand over here.

Anonymous:
species: Homo Frigtardus
habitat: rain forest of the NW United States
charactericstic trait: couldn't get laid in a whorehouse.

Operative C:
Studio Photography Tip #48: Adding Steve Ballmer makes everyone else look less crazy. [Note, this also works for executive teams.]

Um, Woz?

Little tip I picked up in media training. If you're being interviewed on camera for a video that will be shown all over the world on the Internet, don't eat friggin cake and talk with your mouth full. Just a suggestion.

You know what? Sometimes Woz makes me physically ill. I'm not even joking.

My lunch with Nancy Pelosi

Okay, so I can't say much. But here's the skinny. One day last week I pick up the phone and I hear Gore's frigtard Southern voice and I'm 90% tempted to do that thing where you pretend you're the voice mail system, and say, "Sorry but I'm either away from my desk or on the other line, but if you leave a message I'll call you right back." Instead, like a bonehead, I go, Hey Al, what's up. And he says he wants me to come meet Nancy Pelosi because she's going to be the next speaker of the House and that's a very important job and it would be in my interest and Apple's interest to be on good terms with her. Not sure exactly what this means but I guess he's hinting about the SEC investigation and maybe she can pull our bacon out of the fire or whatever. So I go. And let me tell you, I can see why they keep this dame under wraps. Wacky as a dime watch.

We meet in this Thai restaurant in Los Gatos. Out back, private room. Table set with knives and forks. She tries to be all cool and hip-to-the-ethnicity-thang and asks for chopsticks. Waiter gives her this funny look but brings her back chopsticks, kinda laughing at her. And he offers them to us, too, like, Here you go, stupid white people. Al takes his, all proud of himself, but I tell the guy, in Thai, (which yes I happen to speak), No thank you, I'll use a knife and fork, I'm not a frigtard like my companions. Waiter cracks the frig up, I mean like doubles over. Pelosi's kind of taken aback so I tell her, Um, actually, Thai people don't use chopsticks. They eat with knives and forks. She goes, really? I go, Yup. No matter, she's sticking with her chopsticks. Then she asks the dude if they've got sushi. He kind of groans. Finally I just order for the table and when the food comes, sure enough, she goes ahead and eats her pad thai with friggin chopsticks, like a frigtard, and Al does the same, though he clearly has no friggin idea how to use them and looks like someone trying to eat a hot dog with a pair of baseball bats.

And all the while Pelosi is going on about whatever crazy friggin ideas she's gonna push through when she becomes leader of the free world or whatever, like redoing the United Nations and putting a five-dollar tax on gas and opening up diplomatic relations with France and inviting Putin to go skiing at Aspen. And apparently there's some hassle with the North Koreans, which I didn't know about but whatever, and something about Iran. And she's gonna give Saddam Hussein clemency and then she's on to Area 51 and Roswell and the Kennedy assassination and Bush's grandfather doing business with Nazis and blah blah blah.

The whole time I'm just sitting there thinking about the menu software on our new iPhone and all the friggin emails that are gonna be waiting for me when I finally escape from this lunch. The ultimate low part was when the waiter brings the bill and she asks him if they have karaoke at this restaurant, because she just loves karaoke and thinks it's so cool that all Asians like to sing along to music like that, why she just had the best time singing "Wind Underneath My Wings" (yep that's what she called it) at a Japanese restaurant once. Waiter goes, This Thai restaurant, not Japanese. She goes, Oh I know, but don't you do karaoke?

Afterward we're riding home in the limo and Gore goes, Hey, wasn't that great? How'd you like Nancy? Isn't she just brilliant? And I'm thinking, Dude, Nancy couldn't get promoted to be a vice president at Apple, and if by some accident she did, she'd be fired in a week. I mean, that lame. Really. And these are the people running our country. Don't get me wrong. I'm a liberal. I vote for Democrats. But I just get really bummed out when I have to actually spend time with any of them.

Then again, what do you expect when you run your government like it's one big popularity contest? Can you imagine if companies chose their top executives just by having employees vote? You'd have Billy Bob the forklift operator running sales in EMEA, and Shirley from the cafeteria running marketing. I mean seriously. Can you imagine if companies were run like our government? Can you imagine a world where someone with no experience in finance, business or engineering could become CEO of a huge publicly traded corporation just because they're charismatic, look good on stage and know how to stab people in the back? It makes me shiver when I think about it. Thank God Apple is a meritocracy, that's all I'm gonna say.

Good old Woz, still grabbing all the credit

People wonder why I didn't attend this ridiculous lovefest at the Computer History Museum on Saturday. Well, first, I was already booked, having lunch with Al Gore and Nancy Pelosi. (More on that later.) But more important, I couldn't bear the thought of having to sit up there twiddling my thumbs listening to that blowhard Woz keep repeating this claim that he invented the personal computer. To you guys who invited me and were "dismayed" that I didn't show, maybe you haven't noticed this so let me make it explicit: When I'm on stage, I'm the only one on stage. I'm not one of the back-up dancers in the Back Street Boys. I'm not the fifth member of Menudo. I'm not one of the cats in the Rat Pack. I'm Frank. Okay? You don't look up on the marquee and see, "2 p.m. Puppet Show, 3 p.m. Steve Jobs of Apple Computer and a bunch of other dudes who happened to be hanging around his garage back in the Seventies and now want to claim they invented the personal computer." God, these hanger-on guys make me sick. Dudes, it's time to move on, okay? Get a life. These old stories about watching my sister plug chips into a motherboard? It's like listening to Phil Lesh and the other non-Jerry members of the Dead going on about some non-hilarious thing that happened in some stoner house on Haight Street forty years ago. Dudes, when it comes to Apple, I'm the Jerry, okay? I'm Jim Morrison. I'm Jimi Hendrix. I'm the one who started the band, wrote the songs and changed the world. I'm friggin Steve Jobs, bitches! Have you heard of me? Yeah. I thought so. So look. I don't work often, and I don't work free. And I always -- always -- work solo.

You sick, sick bastard

Whoever sent this link in via the comment strings: You need help. Seriously. Go someplace quiet, do some breathing, and think about what you did. Just think about it. I pray for your soul. Peace out.

Also on the subject of San Francisco

True story. I was eating dinner at Masa's on Nob Hill with Michael Ovitz -- this is several years ago -- and we start noticing that the waiters are all taking turns hitting our table, and each one is doing some little shtick about the specials, or the wine, or the dessert list, all trying to get as much face time as possible, and repeating his name. One of them goes further and just blurts out that he's in a show at some theater in SoMa or something and why don't we come see it? Basically, they're auditioning. And it was just excruciating. Finally Ovitz says to me: You know what this city is? It's all the people who failed their auditions in L.A.

Mean? Yes. But true, I think.

Remember, it's San Francisco

Lot of nasty comments rolling in about BHG's dance video. One thing you gotta remember. This is San Francisco, okay? It's not New York or Los Angeles. I mean the weather is nice here but we don't exactly draw the top talent in certain cultural areas. We're not really a major city; we're basically Bend, Oregon, with taller buildings. The kids who really know how to dance and sing don't come here. Who does? Well, the kids who minored in dance at Oberlin and want to play around at it for a few years before either a) going to Stanford to get an MBA; or b) marrying some investment banker and moving to Marin to make babies. You just have to adjust expectations down if you live here. Our symphony is second rate; our museums are a joke; our newspapers are worse than most college dailies. But out here it's all about trying hard and having good intentions. You ever read the arts reviews in the Chronicle? Disney can spend $50 million and put hundreds of the world's best talent to work making a first-rate movie for kids, and some wanker at the Chron who probably can't splice together two clips in iMovie dismisses it as "derivative" and gives it one star. But if four spastics put on leotards and leap around a stage like they've got St. Vitus' Dance, claiming this is about no-blood-for-oil, then it's a triumphant breakthrough in the world of performance art, an important -- no, necessary -- piece of work. Ugh.

So anyway. BHG, I love you. Don't listen to these frigtards who are dissing your dance video. It's great. Honestly. It's creative and inspiring. And it's all about you, expressing yourself. I loved it. Peace out.

Bike Helmet Girl video!

No kidding, it's her, and she's dancing in very tight black shorts and a white tank top. See here. Oh my friggin God. I don't know much about dance, and this stuff looks pretty funky and avant garde, almost sort of reminds me of some of my tai chi moves. But one thing I do know about is women's butts, and this girl is about as close to a 10 as you'll ever see. Lot of people don't know about my ass fixation, but it's true. I'm a butt man, always have been. Larry is more about the boobs (and epicanthic folds) but I'm all about the ass. And let me tell you something, this Bike Helmet Girl has got some Grade A glutes. Must be all the cycling. That and the dancing. I swear you could bounce quarters off those cheeks. Tiffany, I worship at your altar of callipygian perfection.

PS if any other incredibly attractive funky-alternative type babes in the Bay Area have upcoming events where they will be performing with very little clothing on, and you want these events promoted, please be like Tiffany and send the info along. Old sugar daddy FSJ will be glad to help you out.

You gotta love Bike Helmet Girl

Larry says I'm crazy, but you know what? I'm totally falling for this Bike Helmet Girl. Larry says it's just some midlife crisis kind of thing. But I dunno. Feels real to me. I've got to talk to my spiritual advisor about it. Meanwhile I just got this email (see below) from Bike Helmet Girl, whose real name happens to be Tiffany. She's totally cool, has a great sense of humor, and she's some kind of dancer or performance artist. Best of all, if you're in the Bay Area, you can see her perform live on Nov. 16. Tiffany, stop doing this to me. You're making an old man crazy. I mean it, girl. Daddy's gonna have to spank you. And you wouldn't want that. Or would you?

Dear Mr. FS Jobs,

It has been a while since we last corresponded, but I wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten about the promised macbook pro. I am more or less settled in San Francisco now, but feel a bit awkward giving you my mailing address, as we have never been formally introduced. Instead, I would rather invite you to an upcoming event. Besides, I think you would prefer seeing me and my fellow artists live as opposed to on somebody's flickr site...

I have made tremendous progress with respect to my aforementioned condition and continue perform on a rather consistent basis. While I am no longer in need of wearing a bike helmet during daylight hours, I occasionally don a headlamp at night to ensure that I remain aware of my surroundings in the event that I experience an episode. It's not so bad, but I look forward to making further progress and achieving a full recovery. Fortunately, it has been incorporated into our next performance event so I do not appear to be such an anomaly.

On Thursday, November 16th, DOUBLE VISION is hosting a benefit at DragonBar in North Beach, San Francisco from 6-8pm. Link here.

The event features free food, drinks, chair massage, silent auction items, dance, video and music. A fair number of yelpers (or yelpsters as you prefer to call them) will be in attendance among our other guests. I do hope you can make it, as it would be a pleasure to finally meet you.

peace,
Tiffany
(aka Karen, aka Tiffany)

Dudes-- and Tiffany -- all I can say is that I will DEFINITELY be there. But you may not recognize me, since I usually go out in some kind of disguise. Otherwise I'm swamped by groupies. Basically I'm like a white Flavor Flav. Yeah. It's like dat y'all. But Tiffany, you'll know who I am. I promise. I'll be the soft-spoken gentleman with the roses and the MacBook Pro for you. All I ask is that you be kind to me, my sweetheart. Be gentle with an old man's heart. Namaste. I bow to you. Peace out.

PS I also want to give a big photo credit and huge shout-out to my main man, amateur pornographer Mitchell Aidelbaum. No doubt Maximum Mitch will be at the DOUBLE VISION event, so dudes, buy the guy a beer. He's riding high these days ever since the Hustler guys flew him down to L.A. to shoot some test pix for Barely Legal. Couldn't be happier for you, Mitchell Aidelbaum.

"I've got the cutest little skirt for you. It's out in the limo."

People keep rushing in here asking me what I think, so here's my take on this deal: What the frig? Do you people not get it? Have you not seen this movie before? Like, over and over and over again? Did you not see the security software guys crying in their soup these past few months? Why on earth do people keep getting in bed with these guys? It's like going on a date with Ted Bundy. "Well, he's kinda cute, and he says he's gonna ship 70,000 units a year. That's more than we've shipped in our lifetime!" Okay, Novell. I get it. You're a bunch of frigtards, you've failed to make a dent in Red Hat (even though they are equally frigtarded) and then Microsoft comes to you like the Devil coming to see Jesus in the desert and they say, Look down, all of that market can be yours. We'll slay your enemies and make you rich. You will be the King of open source. And if you say no, well, we'll kill you. Choice is yours." So maybe you had no choice, Novell. I just thank God that poor old Ray Noorda died before this happened. Would have killed him to see this. Of course, it's gonna kill you too. You just don't know it yet. Right now you're still Bill's new girlfriend, strutting around in your high heels and short skirt and big diamond ring like the sexiest bitch in town. Wait till you get home and he shows you the collar and leash.

And as for Linux, here's my feeling: If this stuff is so great, how come nobody wants it, even though it's free? I mean, we're charging a ridiculous amount of money for our computers. Ridiculous. Microsoft is even worse. (When you think of what crap they deliver.) And yet we're both outselling this Linux stuff. And it's free. It costs nothing. You don't have to pay for it! And still nobody wants it! Guys, obtain a clue. Do something else with your lives. And um, Novell, how did you figure that "selling" a free product that you don't even own or develop was going to turn your company around? It's like Pixar saying we're gonna get cartoons from someone else and give them away free and somehow make a killing. Right. Great idea. We'll get right on that.

UPDATE: So Lasseter just emailed me all pissed off saying Pixar doesn't make cartoons, we make animated films. Whatever, mega-loser. Stop reading my blog. Seriously. You just think you're sooo all that, don't you?

I'm sorry but this is so friggin wrong

Who on earth is gonna run out and buy this lame-ass Sony 007 kit with a special 007 briefcase and a 007 camera? Especially since it costs $4,000? I mean, check this shit out. My God. Can you imagine some frigtard getting on an airplane and whipping this out? Hey, sweet. You've got the 007 model. Did you get the decoder ring too? And the shoe phone? All this cause Microsoft can't get Fista out the door. And we still have 3% market share. Dudes, how can this be?

This adoption craze is getting out of hand

First Brad and Angelina. Then Madonna. Now Mr. Big Brain, the richest man in the history of the planet. And since the stars get one each, he figures he'll outdo them and get two. Well, why not? It's one way to make Vista a success. Adopt half the friggin planet and don't tell them about Macs.

Fish are friends, not food

While we're on the subject of my diet (see previous post) there is one huge misconception about me that I'd like to clear up. I often see stories where I'm described as a "pescetarian" meaning I eat fish as well as vegetables. This was true at one time but has not been the case for quite a while. I stopped eating fish during the making of Nemo. What happened was, I was up at Pixar watching dailies with John Lasseter. There's a point in every movie where the characters start seeming real to you. Like you think about them when you're not at work. You imagine them in other situations. You sit at breakfast and find yourself having imaginary conversations with them. Anyhoo, on this particular evening, that's what happened. We were working late and watching dailies, and Nemo just came alive for me. And then afterward we went out for sushi. No big deal. This was our usual routine. We always went to the same place, this fantastic restaurant in Sausalito. (I can't tell you the name because if you don't know about it, all the better for the rest of us, and my friends would kill me anyway. It's the best sushi in the Bay Area, and that's saying something.) So we sit down and order up a huge plank of sushi and we're talking about the movie and suddenly I just look down and I'm thinking of my little pal Nemo and it just hits me -- and I go, Ya know what? I can't do this. I can't. I'm sorry.

So I ordered some edamame and some oshitashi, which is seasoned spinach for those of you who don't know Japanese food. Meanwhile Lasseter can see how uncomfortable I am so he just starts chomping away on his sashimi and nigiri and telling me how good these poor little fishies taste tonight, why they musta been killed only a few hours ago. Then he calls over the waitress and asks her to check with the sushi chef and see if they have clownfish tonight. She gives him this weird look, but whatever, she goes over and comes back and says she's very sorry, they don't have clownfish, and Lasseter says that's too bad cause he just loves seared clownfish served in a light ponzu sauce.

Then he starts doing little scenes from the movie, using pieces of sushi as characters. Marlin talking to Nemo, Marlin and Dory confronting Bruce the shark. At one point he's pretending to be Bruce the shark, holding a piece of maguro sashimi in his chopsticks, threatening to pop it into his mouth and calling it Nemo, while "Marlin" (played by a piece of saba on the platter) is screaming, "No! No! Plesae don't eat my baby Nemo!" Lasseter puts the piece of maguro halfway into his mouth, and he's shaking it side to side and doing Nemo's voice, going, "Mmmm! Mmmm!" and he's shaking the saba with his hand, like Marlin, going, "Stop! No! Please!" And then, slurp. He sucks down the maguro and sits there grinning at me like a frigtard.

By that point I'm just shaking. I mean I actually thought I was gonna get sick, or cry, or both. Lasseter is an evil, evil man. All cartoonists are. They're soulless freaks. I go, John, just stop it. I'm serious. Don't do this. Please. He goes, Jobs, what are you gonna do? Fire me? And then what? You gonna draw the little fishies yourself? Last I checked you can't even use Excel, Steve-O. Ha! Then he proceeded to finish off the entire platter of sushi while pretending to be Bruce, talking in an Australian accent, saying, "Fishies is not friends, fishies is food!"

I never spoke to John again. And I have never touched another piece of fish. Neither should you. But that's between you and your conscience, and whatever God you worship. Peace out.