Caption contest

Well my friggin lawyers are advising me that I will have to shut down this scandalous old blog. Details not worth going into here. Someday I'll be able to explain. Maybe I'll write a book or something. Maybe a really beautiful e-Book that you can carry in your pocket and which will be sleek and elegant and shiny, with rounded corners and an extremely hi-res touch screen and only one button. Anyhoo, I've really enjoyed having this naked conversation with you, and I hope I've managed to restore a sense of childlike wonder to your life. The photo above, I believe, makes a perfect swansong. No prize this time. Just doing it for love and glory. Extra points to anyone who can translate this mad crazy funky language.

For now, dear friends, let me leave you with a message of hope and peace and love. Follow your dreams. Do what you love. Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening. When accused of wrongdoing, clam up and point the finger at the people underneath you. To all of you regular readers and posters: Domo arigato, as they say in Mandarin Chinese. Or is it Tibetan? If you believe in reincarnation, as I do, then you'll know that old FSJ isn't going away, just taking another shape. So maybe, one day, if you look real close, you'll recognize me again somewhere. As Tom Joad said, I'll be all around in the dark. As Tom Joad didn't say: Much love; namaste; peace out. --FSJ

Caption winner

Best caption came in via email rather than comment strings. From one Harvey Marcus, who wrote: "Thank God I've found the perfect thin client."
Much love, Harvey. Fake recording of my last fake deposition is in the fake mail.

Yet another copycat

Now someone is fake-blogging Scoble. I love it. See here. Who's doing it? No, it's not me. I swear. I think it's Cringely, the original faker. Which makes me wonder: How long till someone starts doing a fake Cringely? Note to self: Look into this.

The sincerest form of flattery

Namaste to the dude who sent us the comment post informing us about this copycat site. Yes, we have trademarked and patented the "secret diary" blog format, and our lawyers are trying to track this down. Meanwhile, I gotta admit, it ain't half bad. As with the fake Arnold site, well, I kinda wish I'd thought of it myself. See here.

TOTBWI: (Totally off topic but worth it)

Much love to the guy who sent this in via comment strings.

Another trick I'm using with the feds

We had a bunch of them in here yesterday. So here's what I do. No matter what question they ask, like even if they start by asking my name and address, I pause like three minutes, with my hands pressed together, and then I ask them to repeat the question. And on questions that are more complicated than name, rank and serial number, I look for tiny discrepancies in the way they ask the first time and the way they ask the second time. This requires enormous concentration because you have to memorize the first question exactly and then remember it word for word and compare it to the second version of the question. Luckily for me, in addition to having a photographic memory, I also have the auditory equivalent of a photographic memory. I hear a song once and can repeat every word. That kind of thing. So. I ask them to repeat the question. When they do, I tell them that they didn't ask it the same as the first time, and which version do they want me to answer?

For example, first time out, the Fed asks me, "Do you recall a meeting with Mr. Anderson in July of 2001 where options grants were discussed?" I wait, silent, hands folded, thinking. Several minutes pass. Finally I ask him to repeat the question. He says, "Do you remember talking to Fred Anderson about options in July 2001?" I go, "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to know about a meeting. Isn't that what you asked me? If we had a meeting?" He goes, "Did you have a conversation?" I go, "Well, which question do you want me to answer?"

And on and on and on. Drives them nuts. I love it.

War expands: Now all of Europe

Jesus friggin Christ. Now the Dutch are jumping in too. They're joining the idiots from Norway who want us to "open up" the iTunes format so songs can play on any machine, according to this story. What is it with these goddamn Scandinavians? Clearly they're all in collusion with one another. And what is up with these names? Ewok von Doezeninzekrapfenhausen or whatever? Is there not a single person in Scandinavia with a normal name? Honestly, folks, there's a simple solution. Just don't buy music from the iTunes store. Go buy the CD and rip it yourself. It'll cost you less, and it will be uncompressed, so it will actually sound better. You can do this online. Place called Amazon. Heard of it? Or just go get your music from any of the zillion other online stores besides iTunes. Honestly.

Or better yet. Why not take your big whoop Linux OS and build your own music player and your own music store -- God I'd love to see the glitchy brick you'd crank out, and the frigtarded UI you bozos would put on the software -- and make deals with all the record labels and sell songs whichever way you want. What's that? Oh, right. That sounds like work, doesn't it. I mean you'd sort of have to put down your hash pipes and get off your ass and start a company. Much easier to just go to your rigged courts and use them to put the screws to the people who actually did go to all the trouble and expense of making an online music store that actually works. Heck, picketing is so much easier than actually making stuff. I mean, you can picket while you're stoned. And you guys are soooo good at picketing. Just look at the French. It's their number one national sport, followed closely by bashing beurs.

Listen up, Europe. We don't need your business. We definitely don't need your complaining and your hypocritical sanctimonious preaching. God, does anyone still wonder why Europe has fallen behind economically? Just a bunch of lazy whingeing socialists who want everything given to them for free. Go away. I'm serious. Especially you Scandinavians.

IBM develops invisibility cloak

Says so here. I believe Sam Palmisano has been wearing the beta version of this cloak for the past eighteen months. Seriously, has anyone seen that guy? Yes, I know, someone claiming to be "Sam Palmisano" came here a few months ago. We've studied the security tapes. That wasn't Sam.

Apple: We're in your office, we're in your living room, and now we're up your ass

Literally. See here. And no, that lady under the sheet is not having the new bullet-shaped Shuffle installed in her rectum. Although, you know what, it's not a bad idea.

Norway: This is war

What kind of country has an "ombudsman" anyway? Well, Norway does. And here he is. Bjoern Erik Thon. And he says if we don't "open up" iTunes, Norway will take us to court. Okay, Norway. You want to play hardball? Tell you what. Saddle up the reindeer, strap some body armor over your queer-ass Dale sweaters, wrap your pretentious scarf tight around your chicken neck, and meet us on the field of battle. Or how about this? How about we just stop selling iPods in Norway? And we block anyone in Norway from getting access to iTunes? And we tell everyone there that Bjoern Erik Thon is the reason for this, and here's his home address and phone number, so go see him if you don't like it. Or even better: How about I run for president of Norway, win in a landslide, fire Bjoern Erik Thon, and pass a law outlawing Microsoft and making Apple products the only ones allowed in Norway?

Jesus H. Christ. Like I don't have enough to worry about already, what with the feds trying to throw me in the slammer, and Jerry York yelling at me with his dog breath, and the gay longhairs still threatening to picket. Now we've got the Scandinavians up in arms. Friggin elves.

Nokia is glad we're entering their market

Yeah, it's gonna be sooooo good for Nokia when we start shipping our iPhone, as their CEO says here. Money quote:

But the fact that Apple is entering the market, in general, I think will stimulate this market, it's very clear.

Yup. Uh-huh. This is just such great news for Nokia. And you know what? It'll be so good to "stimulate" their market after all the stimulation they've been giving us in Europe over the iPod. Goddamn sleazy lying Finns.

So about my big interview with the feds

I'm sure you've seen all the stories about how I got grilled by some feds last week. It's true. I did. You cannot believe what total a-holes these guys are. First of all, our PR people asked for a list of questions in advance, and sent back a list of which ones would be allowed, and I had my answers all ready. So what did they do? Right off the bat they go off the list. I'm like, Okay, that's it, this interview is over. I worked this out beforehand with your producers and if you're not going to stay on message and talk about the iPhone and the next version of OS X, then you're wasting my time. These guys informed me that they were going to ask me whatever they wanted, and there was nothing I could do about it. I'm like, Dude, is this true? My lawyers are like, Um, yeah, pretty much. So fine. I've got nothing to hide. I'm like, Go ahead, ask me anything. So they were totally trying to trick me, asking the same questions again and again, seeing if I'd answer differently. It's pure evil. They're totally just trying to trap you on some minor bullshit like they did with Martha.

So what I did was this. Whatever they asked me I would fold my hands in front of my face, the way I do, and I would wait a long, long time, like a few minutes, as if I were trying to think of an answer -- then I'd go, I'm sorry, could you repeat the question? Then when they asked the question again, I'd say something like, "I don't know." Or, "I don't remember." Or, "Pass. Next category." Drove them nuts, let me tell you. The whole time, meanwhile, I was working my hypnosis on them. One guy went under right away. I saw his eyes roll up in his head, his tongue start to hang out. Then his boss saw what I was doing and snapped him out and told me to stop screwing around. I'm like, "Why, what are you gonna do? Arrest me for talking? Can you do that? Can you arrest me for talking? Can you arrest me for talking? Can you arrest me for talking?" And as I said this I was just staring into his eyes, making him go wobbly. He's like, "Mr. Jobs, stop it. I'm serious. Stop that. This is a serious matter."

Well, it was more or less like that for eight hours and then finally they got fed up and let me go.

Dear "Ask a Ninja" guy: Don't quit your day job. And don't try working without the mask.

Now at long last we see why this jagoff wears the mask. See him and his partner here. Man. Seriously. These are two ugly dudes. I mean if my dog was that ugly I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backward. Ninja man, I love you. But seriously. I don't think you're going to be leveraging this into any non-Ninja type roles. Just one man's opinion.

Oh please

"Teflon Steve is wearing thin in Europe," The Motley Fool says here. Oh, because we've got this big monopoly, and all these friggin Norwegians or whatever are up in arms about it. Come on. Folks, if you don't like the way the iPod is set up, don't buy one. It's as simple as that. Nobody is twisting your arm or holding a gun to your head or whatever other bad metaphor you prefer. Go buy a Zune. Or some kooky Nokia phone that plays music. Seriously. I'm sick of this Eurocrap, honestly.

Yes, I've met this chick

I'll let you imagine how the visit went. Or okay, here's a hint: Happy ending. Much love to the dude who sent this video in via the comment strings.

McNealy spotted again -- for this week's caption contest

Okay it's not yet Tuesday but I'm loading this now cause I gotta be out of the office getting grilled by more lawyers tomorrow. Goddamn I hate lawyers! I would rather use Windows than sit through another day of this torture. Well, not really. But it's close, I swear. Anyhoo. Here's a shot of Scooter that one of our engineers snapped when he was on vacation recently. Poor McNealy has really let himself go since they pushed him out of Sun. You provide the voice balloons. Free fake deposition transcript to the winner(s).

Speaking of dudes who have a man crush on me

Check out this dude on the Wired web site who says he cries when he watches my keynotes. I love Wired. The magazine, I mean. It's so cool to flip through the pages and look at all the crazy gadgets. And they have really cool headlines on the articles which are supposedly about all sorts of super-intellectual stuff like DNA and space travel and black holes and what have you. And they ask all these really super deep questions like "Who are we?" and "Where do we come from?" and "Is the universe expanding?" I don't actually read the articles. At first it was because they ran the type in circles around the page, so you had to spin the magazine to read the article. Or they used all these different letter sizes and colors and typefaces, within the same word, so it was like reading a ransom note. Or they made the columns as wide as the entire page, so you hurt your eyes trying to keep up. But even when they went to regular old normal stories written in normal size columns with normal size type, I didn't read them. Does anyone? They're always terrible. But you just feel really smart after reading all those cool-looking headlines and pretending like you really care about all this deep brainiac stuff. Even though really the only reason you get the magazine is to look at the cool gadgets. That and the cool houses owned by rich techies with their super neato high tech gizmos. I have to admit, I love those. I really do. They've begged me like eight million times to take pictures of the Jobso Domicile. It's way cooler than anything you've seen in Wired, but you'll just have to take my word for that, cause no way am I letting people see my house. I'm all about the privacy. Totally.

Face it, Jim Allchin's got a man crush on me

First we learned that Jim Allchin of Microsoft, aka the Father of Vista, had been going around saying he would buy a Mac if he didn't work at Microsoft. Now it
comes out that back in 2003 Allchin told his colleagues he wanted to call me and beg me to make the iPod work with Windows. This because he went out and played with some of the non-iPod music players and found out how badly they sucked. But come on. Allchin was really just looking for an excuse to come down and sit in the same room at me and bat his eyelashes. Or beg me for a job. So you're wondering, did we ever have this meeting, and what was the outcome? I'm legally prohibited from saying. But you haven't seen any Windows support on the iPod, have you? Honestly, sometimes I almost feel bad for Microsoft. Especially Allchin. He's actually a really nice guy. And for years he's been putting up with Gates humiliating him in front of his peers in meetings, shouting at him and calling him stupid. Worse yet he's had to endure Ballmer's jokes about him being an albino -- calling him Johnny Winter, that sort of thing. Ballmer can be such a cruel bastard; you have no idea. Anyhoo. If you want to see Microsofties engaging in self-flagellation over how terrible their software is, you can read their sad, sad email exchange here.

The T-shirts have arrived

I'm not making a dime on this. It's someone else's venture. But I think it's a worthy cause. And it's a beautiful, minimalist design. See here: T-shirt page.

Adios, frigtard

Well, today's a too-fer, as in two-for-one. First we blew out our numbers, and then we got our pals in Washington to fire this bonehead US Attorney who's been hassling us on the options. See here and here. And we made sure they wrote it up that "Kevin Ryan is leaving to spend time with his family," so everybody would understand that people were bitching about this guy and so Washington canned him for trying to lead some egomaniacal crusade against Apple even though, as I've said time and time again, no crime was committed. So look, Kevin V. Ryan. You want to come out here to my Valley and push Steve Jobs around? You want to play hardball, ese? I think you must be loco. Mess with the dudes from Brocade if you want, fair enough. But try to tangle with the Jobsmeister and it's like having sex with a porcupine, if you get my drift. I run this Valley. And Hollywood too. So this time you messed with the wrong genius, you big dope. You tried to punch above your weight, and you got TKO'd.

Much love to Jerry York and his shadowy pals in D.C., and also who could overlook the huge contribution of my dear friend Mr. Albert Gore Jr. Not to mention Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi. If you want to understand a little of the subtleties of this matter, I urge you to check out who appointed Kevin V. Ryan and then consider who's in power today in Washington. Food for thought. It's a new day for all of us. Now we just need to get this friggin iPhone to work right by June, and Bob's yer fookin uncle, as Bono would say.

My God I'm friggin good

Not sure if you saw our earnings release. Record sales, record profits. Net income of $1 billion. This morning, no lie, I French-kissed Peter Oppenheimer. Then I spent like three hours just standing in front of a mirror, looking at myself. Tonight I'm going to celebrate by treating myself to an extra serving of miso soup. Then, around 2 in the morning, I'm going to take my Quattroporte out on the 280 and see if I can hit 170 again. Don't worry, I wear a helmet when I do this. Namaste.

Much love, Holman W. Jenkins Jr.

I can't link to Holman's article from this morning because it's on the pay-only Wall Street Journal site. (BTW where's the outrage from the EU leftietards over this "closed system"? How soon until some unemployed Scandinavian sitting around in his pee-stained underpants figures out how to "hack" the copy protection and then claims a moral victory, arguing that the Journal should be allowing everyone to just see its content at no cost, and make as many copies as they like? But I digress.) But basically old HWJJr. sees right through the BS at Cisco over their alleged iPhone trademark. Bottom line: It's a shakedown. And not even a good one. Cisco claims it wants "interoperability." In other words, you've got a great business, so let us ride your coattails. Money quote:

Cisco's proffer, in other words, is the equivalent of slipping and falling on Mick Jagger's sidewalk, then trying to parlay it into a place in the band (with royalties, of course).

Thing is, Cisco desperately wants to move into the consumer space. The core of the network, where Cisco has made its bones, has become a commodity. All the action is at the edge. Hence their acquisitions of Scientific Atlanta and Linksys. But content, as always, is king. It's about the software. And that's what I've got. And no, Mr. Chambers, you can't have it just because you booted some last-minute field goal on this iPhone trademark. Sorry.

Besides that, have you ever seen those butt-ugly Linksys WiFi modems? Sort of purple and black, with giant antennas? Who wants one of those in their house? Who thinks I'm gonna let those frigtards "interoperate" with my beautiful gear? No friggin way. But thank you, thank you, Holman, for saying what needed to be said. Peace out.

(Note to Apple PR: Can we get this guy in for a one-hour hypnosis session, er, "one-on-one interview" regarding the options business?)

Not to beat a dead horse

But since the wags in the press seem determined to keep flogging this options thing, let me slice this baloney a different way. So the big complaint about backdating is that people make more money than they should on their options. It's like betting on a horse after the race is over. It's like choosing lottery tickets after the winning numbers have been drawn. Okay, okay, I understand. But in my case this doesn't really apply. Why? Because I never made a dime. I didn't make any "extra" profit because I never made any profit at all. I gave the options back, unexercised. I didn't cash in my lottery ticket, or my horse race stub, or whatever they give you at a horse race. I threw them in the trash. So how on earth did I profit by my sins? Where's the big crime?

Oh, and yeah, in case you're wondering, the feds tried the old perjury trap trick on me too, the one that got Martha. But old El Jobso was smart enough not to walk into that one. Poor Martha. They never proved she'd actually done anything wrong with her stock; so instead they locked her up for lying about it. Well, I've got slighly better legal advisers than Martha does.

So this is what I was telling Jerry York yesterday. I'm like, I didn't make any money, and I didn't lie, so what have they got? He goes, "Kid, you know that, and I know that. But you know how persistent these bastards are. They like high-profile bad guys. And you're about as high profile as it gets. But don't you worry, kid. I've got a plan for how to deal with these bastards at the SEC, and the SOBs in the press, too. Ain't pretty, but it'll work. Here, let me tell you about it."

Then he did. It's so brilliant, I can't believe I didn't think of it myself. No worries. I'll take credit for it anyway. What's that? You want to know what it is? Forget about it. I'm not telling. But you'll see. Stay tuned, that's all I'm gonna say.

I too have a dream

I dream that one day, end users will not put up with frigtarded Windows, with reboots and crashes and apps interfering with one another; with Basic edition, and Home edition, and Professional edition, and Semi-Professional, and Premium, and Ultra, and Super and Super Ultra Premium Unleaded; with lock-in, and abusive EULAs; with Zunes and other un-beautiful objects. Oh, I have a dream, brothers and sisters, of a world of spare, Zen-like simplicity, where sleek shiny objects restore a sense of childlike wonder to our lives, and no one ever needs to use a stylus. Oh yes! I have a dream.

What kind of sick loser thinks it's funny to go around impersonating me? I just don't get it.

Regarding the BizWeak article on revenge

It's been pointed out to me that the BusinessWeek story about revenge also mentions me. Just want to let you know that this reference to me and to Apple was totally unauthorized. We have a longstanding policy with BusinessWeek that the only way they can print any mention of me or the company is under strict guidelines, including the following: a) the language must be entirely written by Apple and published verbatim; and b) we must be allowed to read the entire article in advance and we must have veto power over every part of it, even the parts that don't involve us.

In this recent article BusinessWeek violated this agreement. Our lawyers are working on it now.

Why the Times is beating this options thing to death

I'm sure you saw Joe Nocera's column in the Times this morning. Now look. Maybe you're wondering why these guys in the media just can't let go of this non-story about the options. Let me explain. The fact is, there's no quote-unquote "scandal." Problem is, "no scandal" doesn't sell papers. But Joe and his brethren are in the business of selling papers. Or "driving traffic" if they're in the online press. They have a financial incentive to keep this alive. And the Times has extra incentives, first being that a) they're lefties who basically hate business; and b) the Journal has been kicking the daylights out of them on this story and now they want to catch up.

Guess what they'll all do when the whole thing blows over? Don't hold your breath waiting for any of these reporters to say they were wrong. They'll either skulk away in silence, or they'll bury the story on a back page, or the really brassy ones will write articles saying, in effect, "Jobs got away with it."

But look. What did I get away with? If you read Joe's entire article, you'll see that Joe eventually gets around to admitting that there's no harm and no foul here. He reports that in 2003 I gave back all the options I'd been granted in 2000 and 2001. I never exercised them. And when I turned them in, they were worthless -- "underwater" as the financial guys say. Then the board gave me 5 million restricted shares, which, as Joe reports, are now worth $900 million. Okay.

Erase the earlier options from your mind, and just imagine that in 2003, the board simply decided to give me shares that are now worth $900 million. (They were worth about 1/10th as much when I got them, by the way.) Would anyone have a problem with that?

So what's the big fuss? Joe and others of his ilk (cough Ben Stein cough) are all upset because of a couple of clerical errors regarding some options that I never exercised and turned back in to the company while they were underwater. It's an academic exercise.

Yes, we neglected to cross our t's and dot our i's as they say in Swedish. But who cares? You really think the greatest CEO in the world should be tossed out over something like this? Who'd benefit from that? Shareholders? Nope. Customers? Nope. Microsoft? Um, in fact, yes. Not saying Mr. Bill is behind this. But if you really want a world where Vista is your OS, and Zune is your music player, and your Windows-based smart phone isn't smart enough to make phone calls without crashing, well, sure, send old Jobso to the scrap heap.

Otherwise, let's all grow up, put this behind us, and move on.

Here's to you, Terry Garnett, O master of revenge! O skillful manipulator of the press!

So Larry Ellison calls and he's howling laughing, so hard he's almost choking. And he goes, Oh sweet mother of Allah, oh my God, Steve, have you seen the new BusinessWeek? They've got this big cover story about revenge, and it starts off with this stuff about Terry Garnett -- remember him? used to get my coffee at Oracle, many moons ago, and carry my luggage at the airport? -- and he's saying how he hates me for firing him and he wants to get revenge on me and that's why he bought Ingres, the big scary database company that he thinks is going to kill Oracle.

But here's the kicker. The same day this story appears, two of the key guys at Ingres just walked out -- Dave Dargo, the CTO, and Jim Finn, the head of communications. Better yet, they left bitching about the CEO that Garnett brought in last year, and, in a whisper, hinting that Ingres is, um, what's the word for it? Oh, that's right. Fucked.

I love it. I mean put aside how stupid BusinessWeek looks (because what's new there, right?) but so much for Terry and his big revenge scheme right? I have no idea how much Terry spent to buy this dog, but apparently he forgot that Oracle already killed this company once before. Now he's brought in 300 employees, and half of them appear to be senior vice president of something or other, and they're all making top dollar and doing stuff like biz dev and strategery and visioneering and planning and partnering and marketeering.

Everything is swell except for one small thing -- they ain't selling any software. How can they? All the bigshots are running around in the fancy HQ in Redwood City planning to hold some planning meetings at which they can do this year's planning for the five-year plan. They're all drawing elaborate schemes on white boards and making up wonderfully beautiful PowerPoint presentations and plotting world domination instead of putting their feet on the street, or at least hitting the phones. They're all ex-Oracle people and they're all the lazy bastards who were underperforming. That's why we let them go. It's like when Castro emptied his jails. Poor old Terry. Donk! Another baseball bat to the head.

Steve, honestly, these guys make it too easy for me. I'm sitting here trying to work up a full-page ad that we can use to make fun of them. What should we call them? Ingrates? Angres? And here's their slogan: "Ingres -- fueled by hate." Ha! Our entire sales force is getting copies of this BusinessWeek article to carry with them on sales calls, in case anyone mentions Ingres. Our response? Sure, that's a great choice. Buy software from Ingres, and you can let Captain Ahab use your data center to act out his penis envy revenge fantasies. Riiight. Great move on your part, Mr. IT Customer.

By the way, what are you doing this weekend? Wanna do some Rat Patrol? We'll get T.J. Rodgers and drive up to the Tenderloin and blast some trannies with water cannons. Extra points if you blow their wigs off. Okay? You in? You are? I love you man.

End users reject Vista, vow never to upgrade

What do we want?
Macs!
When do we want them?
Now!

sometimes i feel like a golden god

sometimes i feel like a golden god,
glowing perfect unstoppable, a colossus
bestride the narrow world, a master
of all domains, an artist
of vast unimaginable scale,
an enigma, a tangle of contradictions--
open yet closed,
public yet secret,
cloaked like christo,
silent like cage,
white like rauschenberg,
a chef who serves
only an empty plate
shiny white
so clean so perfect so pure--
& you pay & you pay & you pay
for what?
for what is not there
for the still center
for the silent surface
for peace for ease of use
for pinch & slide & multi-touch--
this is my genius,
this is my soul & art,
my poet's heart,
sold so low, i
solo like lowell on
a brackish shoal, stroll in
whole-food supermarkets, an
angelheaded hipster with thin
smart phone containing multitudes,
songs & contacts & email & web, ringing
with rhythm of roethke,
dark, dark my light,
& darker my desire--
which i is i?
iMac, iPod, iTune, iChat, iPhone--
brilliant as bowles,
i am i, but
you are not i.
which is really
too bad for you.

Managing Mossberg

People ask me all the time, How do you do it with Walt Mossberg? Like today, he's supposed to be writing a review comparing the Treo 750 and the Samsung BlackJack. Instead it turns into a tribute to Apple. And he basically says, If I were you, I wouldn't buy either of these phones, I'd wait for the iPhone.

So how do we do it? No, we don't pay him. Walt takes himself very, very seriously and would never cop to a bribe. The solution for us has been a combination of hypnosis and flattery. Basically we bring him in, let him hang out with me, all very casual, and here's the key: I ask all the questions. I'm like, Dude, what do you think of this design? Where do you think the Internet is going? Bullshit stuff like that, but he waxes on and on, feeling all important because the Great Steve Jobs is asking for his advice. Beauty of it is that Walt is as dumb as a box of rocks. But he thinks he's like super-duper brilliant. (It's an affliction common to employees of the Wall Street Journal. Something about the water in the newsroom. "Ego juice," they call it, or so I've been told.) Sometimes we videotape old Walt going on and on, waving his arms and getting all worked up. We tell him we're taping so we can study his ideas later, but really it's just so we can laugh our asses off.

Anyway it works like a charm. Walt actually believes he's had a hand in creating most of our products. So of course he's not gonna dump on them. Oh, and then there's the hypnosis. While he's talking, I do a lot of work with my eyes, and then when I do get a few words in edgewise, I use a lot of NLP trigger words and send him under. He leaves here fully hypnotized and believing he's the true inventor of the iPod, the Nano, the Shuffle, the iPhone, whatever. One phone call every week to 10 days is all I need to refresh the hypnosis and keep him under.

I also got him to grow that crazy beard. Goat Boy, we call him. Or, sometimes, Goatberg. Photo above shows him right after his most recent brainwashing. I had him leaping onto chairs on all fours and making billy goat sounds. He doesn't remember any of it. Evil? I guess. But it's a heck of a lot of fun. Much love, Walt. Keep up the great work. Baaa-aaa-aaa. Baaa-aaa-aaa.

So Brent Schlender just called

And he's all upset and crying about the Michael S. Malone piece. He goes, "Steve, you told me I was your little He Whore. Now you're giving Malone that title? I've done way more for you than he has. Damn you, Steve! I feel like a battered spouse."

I was like, "Brent, relax, there's room for more than one He Whore in my life. And you know I only hit you when you deserve it."

He goes, "I know. You're right." He sits there, sniffling. "I'm sorry." He waits a minute and then in this nervous voice he goes, "You know I love you."

I know what he wants me to say back. Which just makes it better. I give him this long pause and then I go, "Huh? Sorry, I was checking my email."

Then I hang up. Click.

Vaya con dios, He Whore, as they say in the Basque country.

Sure enough, the hack of all hacks, Michael S. Malone, weighs in this morning

Maybe you're wondering what this a-hole's middle initial stands for. Let me tell you. It's "sycophant." This obnoxious lickspittle has made an entire career, such as it is, out of telling people how he grew up near me. He's at it again this morning on the Op-Ed page of the Wall Street Journal.

"If, like me, you grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same school, interviewed him in the early days of Apple, and even wrote a book about him and his company ..."

Ugh. Groan. Puke. This He-Whore does nothing but chase around rich famous execs in the Valley offering to write nice things about them and then telling everyone he meets that he's "friends" with so-and-so.

So, um, yeah, I guess it's nice to have this brown-nosing bootlicker calling me "iGenius" and saying that the government should leave me alone on this options stuff and that even if I were to, say, kill someone, well, they should give me a pass so I can keep making cool electronics, because I'm the greatest CEO the world has ever known, and by the way did I tell you that I grew up in the same neighborhood as Steve and we're, like, totally friends and everything?

But I'm not sure his endorsement means very much. Because back during the dotcom bubble (the first one), while he was editing some puff-piece business mag, he was also getting rich on founders' shares at some of the tech shops he was supposed to be covering. Slight little ethical issue there. Even in the skeevy world of computer industry hackdom this getting-rich-on-the-folks-you-cover made some stomachs queasy, from what Katie Cotton tells me.

But wait. I just thought of something. Might be I end up having to do some time on this options thing. Why not be like Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd in "Trading Places." Heck, I'm sure Michael would do the time for me. Why not? We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same school. Be a mensch, Michael. Bend over and take one for the team. It's what you do best, after all.

Cisco's suing us. Oh, I'm shaking.

Please. These jagoffs totally copied us. They stole iPhone from us and got some trademark and then rushed their product into the market a few weeks ahead of us. I don't even know why we should deal with them. Chambers called me up and tried to do his "good old boy" routine on me. I'm like, Look, hillbilly, we ain't paying you a dime for the name iPhone. Cause we own i-Everything. Check it out. Patented, copyrighted, trademarked. Makes me sad to see Cisco trying to draft on our momentum and get some headlines by suing us. But this is the evil nature of so many people out here in the Valley. Just pure greedheads. Well, we won't lower ourselves to their level, but we'll work this out somehow. Peace out. Namaste.

I love all this whinging about iPhone prices

Cracks me up to read this articles where these broke-ass reporters wring their little hands and wonder if the "high price" of the iPhone will hurt demand. Have you idiots not figured it out yet? Higher prices make people want things more. Jesus. Have you learned nothing?

For a certain segment of the population, ridiculously high prices are not off-putting. Quite the opposite, they are an incentive. Look at Rolex watches. No better than a Timex, really. Probably worse. But since they charge so much for Rolexes, every nouveau riche asshole in the world figures he’s gotta have one. Another example: Bose speakers. Friggin things cost fifty cents to build and sound like crap. Yet Bose sells a whole set-up for two thousand bucks. Damn you, Bose! You are my inspiration.

To be sure, it took some time for me to develop the correct overpricing strategy. With the NeXT machine, we figured out what would be a fair price, and then we quadrupled that price, and sure enough, people lined up to buy them. Or some people did anyway. Problem is, we kinda priced ourselves out of being a mass market company. Meanwhile, Microsoft – God, just to write that word makes me feel slightly nauseated – was pushing Windows. Their stuff was like a Special Olympics version of what we’d done at Apple. But it was cheap, and it came bundled onto all the butt-ugly PCs in the world. So frigtards went out and bought their PCs and got stuck with Windows and, tragic as this may seem, many of them actually considered this to be a wonderful thing.

I weep for those people.

The only reason Windows caught on was that none of these frigtard customers ever got a chance to see the Mac, or better yet, the NeXT machine. Yes, this was perhaps my own fault, for pricing my machines so high that ordinary frigtards wouldn’t look at them. But my feeling is that we could do in computers what BMW did with cars. Cool rich asshole-type people would buy our stuff, and then poor lametards would want to have the same thing that the rich assholes had. And once our stuff caught on with cool rich people we’d gradually introduce some lower-end models that aspiring lame-ass people could afford. But I sure as hell wasn’t going to just cut my prices. More people eat at McDonald’s than at French Laundry. Does that mean Thomas Keller should charge fifty cents for a meal, to bring in the crowds? I don’t think so.

Well, my strategy didn’t quite work out. The lamebrains just stayed happy with their Windows machines, and didn’t really care what rich cool people were buying. Long story short, NeXT had some issues. So did Apple.

But when I came back, a decade ago, I refined the overpricing strategy. The iMacs were still overpriced, but this time I’d learned my lesson. Instead of charging four times as much as we needed to, we only overcharged by fifty percent. Bingo. We’d found the magic number. Suddenly people who would never have used a Mac before were tossing out their Windows PCs and switching to Macs and feeling all proud for driving a BMW instead of a Toyota.

Same goes for the iPhone. It's the magic rule of "1.5x" where x represents the cost the product should have, or the cost that comparable products in the market have.

So rest your little heads, weary hacks at the Times and Journal and everywhere else. Old Daddy Steve knows exactly what he's doing.

iPhone T-shirt?

Also, in view of the new phone, should we start working on a logo and T-shirt and whatever to go with the phone?

Let's make that this week's contest.

Another emergent design review

Friends, re: these T-shirts. We've boiled it down to 2 designs, one with just a logo in Myriad type, by John Muir, saying, Dude, I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it?

The other has the photo and the "Dude, I invented the iPod. Have you heard of it?" slogan in a voice balloon, with Viva Fake Steve under it. (This by H. Aiku).

Here's where we need input. On design #2 by H. Aiku, should we have just Steve's photo or should we have the Che beret? I liked the Che beret but I'm always driven by minimalist urges. And someone suggests (wisely I think) that the Che thing is just a distraction.

Let's hear it from the voters. Che beret or no Che beret?

Then we'll get these 2 shirts onto Cafe Press.

Seriously, look at this

And ask yourself if they're really gonna throw the Jobsmeister to the wolves. We've almost doubled the stock price in the last 6 months. This gain represents something like 30-plus billion dollars. (Anyone wanna go talk to those frigtards who are doing shareholder suits? Maybe bring this chart with you.) Anyhoo. You know what? I really do think I'm descended from Jesus Christ of Nazareth. The resemblance is just too strong to be ignored.

Friggin Markoff

So I spent this huge amount of time with him -- not sure how much but it felt like an eternity; have you ever had the displeasure of meeting him? -- and he asks me a million questions and we talk about all kinds of stuff, and what does he write about? The friggin options thing. Honestly. Still, I think my official answer pretty much nailed it:

The truth of the matter is everything is fine. It’s raised questions, but some of the journalism has been so off the mark. But I know the truth. It’s painful to read some of this stuff, but I know it’s kind of ridiculous and will pass.

What I really said, just FYI, was this:

Friggin Markoff, are you friggin retarded? Were you born this stupid or did you have to work on it? Dude, we're sitting here and even as we speak the stock is soaring. I just introduced a product that is going to change the friggin world, like the Mac and iPod. And yet the only thing you can think to ask about is the friggin options thing which is already done and settled? Dude, you are lucky I don't have you killed as you leave this building. Honestly. Sleep with one eye open tonight.

I guess he felt he had to clean it up a bit. Well, thanks for nothing, frigtard.

The other winning emergent design

Simply this, in Myriad typeface, white letters across a black shirt.

Dude, I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it?

If possible get it all on one line.


Beneath that, in smaller type:

fakesteve.blogspot.com


No photos, no pictures, nothing else. Just the slogan and the url.

We've gone through so many emergent designs that I can't remember whose idea this was. Please write in and let me know and I'll send you 20,000 fake backdated options too.

And please, I'm dead serious about selling these. Let's get them up someplace. I can't do it because Apple lawyers won't let me. But surely someone out there wants to make a few bucks off this blog. Right?

And no, I don't mind leaving money on the table for my partners. Well, yes, ordinarily I do. But in this case, whatever. My hands are tied, from a legal frigtard perspective.

The winning emergent design

After many rounds of non-thinking meditation and emergent design prototyping I have decided on the shirt designed by our dear friend Mr. H. Aiku. You can see the black and white versions here.

I like the black one. But the white one is cool too.

Now the question is: How can we get these up for sale?

And to Mr. Aiku: Much love, my Asian brother. Twenty thousand fake Apple options (backdated to July 14, 2006) are on their way to you as I write this. Enjoy them. And hey, a bit of "forward looking advice" -- though they're well in the money, I still wouldn't sell them right away.

I'm not going anywhere

Not even the SEC can stop me. Or the DOJ. Or whatever. They'll need friggin ninjas to tear me outta here. You want to know why? See this story about the Apple faithful getting into queue at 3 in the morning outside the Moscone Center, just so they could see me in person. These are people who travel across the country and stand there in the dark for hours like they're hoping to get their hands on tickets to the Beatles reunion concert. And this is all so they can see me. I'm telling you, friends, you cannot imagine the kind of meditation and focus and energy that is required for me not to become a raving egomaniac. It's just a tremendous amount of work in order to keep myself grounded and humble. But I'm doing it.

And as I've been telling these frigtarded reporters and frigtarded SEC people, it's not about me. I serve at the pleasure of the board. Thing is, these days I'm delivering lots of pleasure. You do the math.

You're welcome

I know. We rule. Told you so, right? One button. Everybody laughed. Said it couldn't be done. Well, it's done. Stock's at $92. I love myself. Honestly, I just do.

Friggin lawyers

I've just been informed by one of the lawyers who are doing the internal investigation (still, ugh) that my last blog post constitutes a "forward looking statement." I've had it with these dudes. If I can't brag about my own company, then there's something wrong with this world. You know what I told him? I said, "Here's another forward looking statement. I predict you're going to dragged out of here by security guards and beaten like a circus monkey. Now please stop making sounds with your mouth because you are totally messing with my Zen and I need to stay focused today. Jesus. Where is my green tea? Would someone bring me a friggin green tea, at exactly one hundred and sixty five degrees Fahrenheit? And where's my makeup person? And my colorist? Jesus friggin Christ what am I paying you people for? Does anyone have my turtleneck? And a backup in case the first one gets a spill on it? And a backup for the backup? Okay. Okay. Go to the still center, dude. Still center. Pond of water. Pond of water. Calm surface. Unbroken by waves. Ommmm. Ommmm."

Dudes, I'm sorry, but I really don't like lawyers. They have no sense of what this company is all about.

Today's the big day

The suspense is killing you, right? I know. I know. We do it on purpose, remember? Well, it's gonna be awesome. Spellbinding. Trust me. Old Steve has been fasting and praying and practicing his presentation till he can do it in his sleep. And I just finished another Seven Day Miracle Cleanse and I feel friggin awesome. I'm fired up like a Duke lacrosse player waiting for the hookers to arrive. (By the way, I'm just as innocent as those guys, too. You wait and see. 2007 is the year of vindication for the Jobsmeister.)

By the way let me give you another tip. Go buy some Apple stock today. You'll wake up happy tomorrow. Okay? Nuff said.

Also

I love the entrant that shows 3 iPods with the lines:

He invented it.

You didn't.

Frigtard.

Maybe as a separate T-shirt?

And cafepress dudes, those ones you did are awesome.

My dream minimalist T-shirt

To be insanely minimalist, how about this:

Just this very simple
photo of Steve but with a different slogan.

I'd like to use the slogan

here in Myriad typeface:

Dude, I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it?

And leave the back of the shirt blank.

I like it in black T-shirt with white type, or white T-shirt with black type.

No listing of the URL, that way only people who know the blog will get the joke.

Can someone make these up?

Speaking of frigtards

Have you seen this article arguing that I should resign and explaining why? Well, huff and puff all you want, little frigtard, but Steve ain't leaving. Also check out this howler:

"Indeed, the direct involvement of Al Gore in this legal morass may effectively end the former Vice President's hopes to again seek the US presidency in 2008."

Um, I agree Al doesn't have a shot at the presidency. But I didn't know that now this is my fault too. Sheesh.

A reader suggests

This just came in via comments and I think it's a good idea:

"FSJ. Listen. I need a FSJ tshirt. The whole world needs to know that I invented the friggin' ipod. Frankly, I'm a little pissed off right now that I won't have one in time for macworld. How about a contest?"

I've kind of been thinking the same thing lately. (Which is why I call it "a good idea," cause I had it too. If I hadn't had it, the idea would be "lametarded." Just how I work. It's how I do things.)

Anyway. Some of you creative type dudes certainly must have some artistic talent. And I really do think we need a team T-shirt for this blog.

So let's make it a contest. Design a T-shirt, we'll pick a winner, or two, and we'll figure out a way to sell them online. I won't do the selling. Let's let one of our readers make a buck on this one.

H. Aiku, are you reading this? And Mr. A. Musing? Vaporland? All you other regular contributors?

Peace out.

Sorry to be out of touch

Friends, I was rehearsing all day yesterday and we're still trying to get every last detail right for the big speech next week. Plus I spent ninety minutes with Jerry York yelling at me from a foot away. Guy has dog breath. And he spits a lot. I had to have one of my assistants bring me a pair of giant sunglasses that Bono left here the last time he visited, and some of that white stuff that coroners wipe under their noses when they examine dead bodies. Yeah. We're talking that kind of smell. Honestly, I don't know what the hell Jerry eats. But I really think the dude should see a dentist.

Well. I'm going into seclusion now, beginning my usual pre-speech fast and meditation for the next few days. Nothing but miso soup and fruit juice between now and the big event. I'm in day four of the Seven Day Miracle Cleanse and feeling rejuvenated, as always.

Might be going dark until Tuesday, though If I can come out of my trance long enough I'll try to post over the weekend. Peace out.

Oh, but one more thing: Do *not* believe these rumors about my health that those white devils on on Wall Street have been spreading. All bullshit. They're just trying to knock down the stock so they can pick it up a little cheaper and make a little bit bigger bump after the news on Tuesday. There's no need of this anyway, because believe me, it's gonna be a *big* bump. That's all I'm gonna say.

At last, someone who gets it

Apple is named "Marketer of the Year" by Marketing Daily magazine. See here. Only because "Best Marketer of All Time" isn't a category. Yet.

Since you asked ...

Lots of people emailing me to ask what I think of this article in the Guardian by some guy who claims to know me really well and to have some super insight into how I think and whether we'll annnounce a phone next week. First: No, I don't remember ever meeting this person. Second, they don't call it the "Grauniad" for nothing. Caveat lector, as they said in ancient Hebrew.

A vote of confidence (sort of)

David Morgenstern of eWeek, one of my favorite Apple blowhards, says here that I'm a great guy, I've done a great job, he really loves me, but that, ultimately, Apple could continue to prosper without me. Hey thanks David. You know I've always felt more or less the same about you. Peace out.

Re: my love of vinyl records

So over the holidays I purchased a copy of "Abbey Road" on vinyl. Not a special reissue on fancy 180-gram vinyl. Just an ordinary original copy from Capitol, but in mint condition, never opened. Fired it up on the Linn-Naim rig at home and oh my God. It's like discovering the Beatles all over again. No wonder we all loved music back in the Sixties and Seventies. First of all, the music was just so friggin good. And what is it about vinyl? It friggin breathes, and I don't know how or why. I've brought all my iPod engineers in here to listen and try to figure it out. We've got "Golden Slumbers" on right now and Paul's voice is making the hair on my neck stand up. It's like he's standing here in the room with us. This is on my old office rig, which is a nothing-fancy Rega turntable with Quad electronics and a pair of old Quad speakers, from my Quad phase. It's stunning. I'm sick. We're doing A-B tests with the iPod HiFi and it's humiliating. Friends, I promise you we will not rest until we can match or exceed the sound quality of vinyl in a digital system.

The Power of the Chart

If you want to start guessing about which CEOs should be worried in the wake of the Nardelli ouster, you might do better to look here or here or here.

As regards the last one, have you noticed that nobody has seen or heard from Sam Palmisano in more than a year? Does the phrase "Operation Condor" ring a bell? Trust me, the IBM board of directors make Pinochet and Stroessner look like kindergarten kids.

And yes, I know Sam supposedly visited us recently. I've come to believe the guy who came here was an impostor. First of all, the guy didn't know a thing about computers. At the time we attributed that to the fact that he works at IBM. But the real giveaway was that he didn't recognize me. I mean, come on.

No, my theory is that the real Sam P. has become a desaparecido, as they say in ancient Paraguayan. And now they've got the Fake Sam Palmisano in deep training, trying to bring him up to speed. Soon they'll trot him out to make some speech about whatever new slogan IBM is cooking up for the year ahead. "People Ready"? Nope, taken. "On Demand"? Er, tried that. "Open Your Source and Bend Over"? Nice.

One suggestion: Maybe Fake Sam should start writing a blog, explaining IBM's strategery and vision for the next few years. I know I'd read it, if only to find out which other parts are going to be sold off to the Chinese, and in what order.

I'm sure IBM could spare 20 or 30 or maybe 100 IBM Global Services "blog consultants" who could handle the task of writing Fake Sam's blog for him. You know, like, meet once a week for half a day to discuss blog story ideas, then break into smaller teams that meet daily to work up prototype blog items and PowerPoint slides about possible blog production schedules.

Meanwhile Ed Barbini and his team in Armonk could spend a month writing a hundred or so drafts to put together a press release announcing that the IBM Corporation has identified blogs as a strategic technology and now IBM is going to devote one billion dollars (curled pinky at corner of mouth) to a major blogging initiative which will include opening blogging "centers of excellence" in twenty-five countries around the globe. Nothing at IBM can happen for less than a billion dollars. Ever notice that?

Now if they could just drag friggin Irving Cheddarcheeseky-Burger out of Second Life long enough maybe he can run the whole thing. And yeah, Irving, we know you're on there trying to pick up Second Life chicks. And we've noticed your Second Life doppelganger is quite a good bit more hunky than the Real Irving. And what's with this telling girls that you're Justin Timberlake's manager, and can totally get them in to meet him? That's all we're gonna say on the matter.

The Nardelli fiasco

So I'm getting all these emails this morning about Nardelli getting tossed out of Home Depot. I guess cause there's all this hullabaloo about how he was arrogant and how, as the Journal says this morning, the job of a CEO has changed and you can't just up the numbers and get your exorbitant pay package. You've gotta be a politician or whatever, and kiss the butts of all these "shareholder advocates, hedge funds, private-equity deal makers, legislators, regulators, attorneys general, nongovernmental organizations and countless others who want a say in how public companies manage their affairs." People are saying to me, Look, Steve, you've got Greenpeace, and Google, and Microsoft, and the SEC, and the U.S. attorney, and the European regulators, and even the gay longhairs all screaming for your scalp."

Folks, all this hand-wringing over Nardelli is just another way for these idiot newspapers to sell copies. If you want to know what torpedoed Nardelli, just look here. It's as simple as that. Money talks, bullshit walks. If that chart looked like this, Bob Nardelli would still be coming to work.

What also kills me is the way all the journos, especially the commie business-haters at the NY Times, are so upset about Nardelli's pay package and his severance package. My goodness, the man made -- gasp -- $64 million over the past six years! And now they're paying him $210 million to go away! Dudes, if I made that little, I'd put a gun in my mouth.

This blog has the best readers anywhere

I swear to the holy virgin mother of you-know-who. (Hint: he's my distant ancestor). Please read the comments in this week's religious-themed caption contest. It's only been a few hours and there are already so many good ones. Dudes, and dudettes, I love you all. Honestly. The stuff is brilliant. Right now, in my time of dire need, these wonderful hymns and prayers have cheered me immensely. Please keep it rolling in.

Caption contest

I'm feeling religious. Extra points if you can do this in the form of a prayer or hymn.

Caption winners

Okay it's been two weeks and I'm sorry for the delays. But here goes. There were many more that we really loved but we had to go with only a few.

mattf
The HALO is the WRONG color. It SUCKS. You're FIRED.

Anonymous

Dear Satan, In exchange for unimaginable fame and glory and riches, I promise you my soul. Love, FSJ

The Messiah
Dad, I keep trying to tell them that I'm back but they don't believe me. Will you tell them?

Ryan

Dear Buddah, May my hair stay this thick and full bodied for the rest of my life. I'l promise to be less of a jerk.

vaporland
"now lessee, a good maturity date for these options would be like . . . hmmm . . .around, say, July of '97?"

Paul W
The ceiling mirror sure helps Steve to keep praying.

Whoops

I've been informed that the memo I posted earlier (see below) in fact is NOT going to be sent out to all Apple employees today. Sure wish Jerry York and Al Gore could make up their friggin minds on this. Last night Jerry called (just before midnight, in the middle of our lavish yet minimalist dinner party of miso soup and three kinds of rice) to tell me, "You're done, kid. Hang up the gloves." I'm like, Dude, nice timing, thanks a friggin lot. Anyhoo, I crafted the memo. Now I get a call from Al who just saw the memo in his blog reader and he's like, Whoa there, good buddy, hold your horses! He says he's holding talks today with the SEC guys and all the other government dweebs asking them to please write down their full names on a piece of paper so he can save their names for later reference if he becomes president in 2008. Or if one of his friends gets in. Apparently this is a technique he learned from Hillary Clintstone. She calls it the "Lorena Bobbitt" and swears it never fails. Even the frigtards who work as government lawyers are able to grasp the implications. Now they're all scrambling to work out some way to let me remain in power but for them to save face. Frankly I don't care if they save face or if they spend the rest of their lives working on the crew that sucks shit out of airplane toilets. And even more frankly, no matter what I might say in public, please don't believe that I will ever NOT remain in power at Apple. They can't run the friggin place without me and they know it. It'd be like Iraq without Saddam. Okay, I've said enough. Too much, in fact. Go get 'em, Al. God knows it was a smart move to put you on our board of directors. I love you, man. Peace out.

Happy New Year

This memo is going out to all Apple employees today.

TO: The Apple family
FR: Steve
DATE: Jan. 1, 2007

Dear fellow employees:

Today, on the first day of the new year, I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for doing such a tremendous job at Apple. Together we have made this a truly great company. I hope you are proud of what we have accomplished. I know I am.

Now it is time to ring out the old and ring in the new. The quote-unquote "options scandal" has been put behind us, and we can get back to focusing on the important things. Like making great new products, building on our success and gaining even more market momentum.

I'm especially proud of our top-notch management team. Our experienced leaders are doing a great job. For this reason I feel no sadness or bitterness or vindictiveness, nor any urge to disembowel anyone or hang anyone by their feet and put their head into a burlap sack with a Vietnamese water rat when I tell you that as of today I will be stepping aside from my day-to-day role at Apple.

The past decade has been the best time of my life. I've accomplished everything I hoped to accomplish, and more.

What's next for El Jobso? Well, let me just say this: I begin this new year with a greater sense of excitement and childlike wonder than I have ever felt before.

Cheers and best wishes,

Steve