McNealy and Torvalds in historic joint appearance

This is such classic Scooter behavior. Whatever Gates does, Scooter has to do it too. So now that the Beastmaster and I are in all the papers for making our historic appearance at the D conference last night, McNealy decides to do a rare joint appearance with Linus Torvalds, his supposed arch-enemy, where they can discuss the future of the industry and how they see things taking shape, blah blah blah. Scooter begged Walt to let them do this at the D show but Goatberg refused (yeah, the Sun guys are that relevant) so the Sun guys created their own conference and got MaryMaryQuiteContrary aka Java Gal to ask all the questions. Scott's big prediction? "Solaris on SPARC is going to make a huge comeback. StarOffice rocks!" Torvalds' prediction: "I will never do this again."

Om Malik says I'm all right after all

Money quote: "Success, they say, mellows out even the fiercest of tyrants, making their dictates seem almost benevolent. Steve Jobs, the enfant terrible of yesteryears, whose unrelenting quest for perfection has driven many to Ole Tennessee or an asylum (whichever is closer) is showing signs of a kinder, gentler self, happy to share (within limits) the glory, and espousing the virtues of team work." See the whole thing here.

Much love, Om. Namaste. I take back all the bad things I've said about you. And I've said a lot.

Who put the helium in our stock price? Oh that's right. I did.

I'm not very good at math, so correct me if I'm wrong here, but it looks to me like our stock is up roughly 50% in the current year, from just over $80 at the start of the year to $120 now. And since our market cap is now just over $100 billion I think that means we've added, what, about $30 billion, maybe a little more, just in the past five months? Hmmm. $30 billion in five months. And during those five months we've been hounded over some options that were worth, what, about $20 million? And the Journal has been griping because I'm some big rapacious greedy bastard who gets paid a lot and flies around in an expensive jet? Thirty billion dollars in five months. Oh, you poor Apple shareholders. My heart bleeds for you.

Valleywag: Nope, erm, it's not Diana after all

Well this one fizzled. You know that story where Nick Denton of Valleywag said he'd found Princess Diana? Well, they sent someone in to pull off her burka, and whoops -- Nick got it wrong. Turns out it was a woman named Sherrie Robinson who is originally from New Zealand but now lives in Qatar and works in marketing for a telecom company and does some part-time acting on the side. See here. I guess you can see how they made the mistake. There is an uncanny resemblance. Just goes to show, you can't believe everything you read, even in high-class sites like Nick Denton's Valleywag. Nick Denton, who is British but lives in New York, is 42 years old.

This is a true story, I swear

I'm not supposed to tell anyone this. But here's what really happened behind the scenes at D yesterday. So as you recall, I did a solo appearance with Walt during the day and made that crack about how when Apple makes iTunes for Windows it is like giving ice water to people in hell. Funny, no? Well, Beastmaster Bill went ballistic. Threatened to pull out of the joint appearance. Told Walt and Kara in no uncertain terms that he would pull out and never come back to their stupid show. Turns out Bill also really, really hates our "I'm a Mac" ads. Like he goes nuts if you mention them. So Walt and Kara had to appease him by promising that the joint appearance would be total softball, no tough questions. So Bill sniffed and said Okay, he was here anyway, so what the hell.

Then right before we were going onstage I walked over and handed him a bottle of ice-cold water. Nice touch, right?

I swear this is true.

Valleywag: Princess Diana not dead, living in Qatar with Dodi Fayed

Well this is a big one. Ace reporter Nick "Scoop" Denton of Gawker and Valleywag fame has broken the biggest story of his career. Denton, who is British, reports this morning that Princess Diana faked her own death and is actually living in Qatar with Dodi Fayed. Nick promises to do the full "reveal" later today or tomorrow but says the evidence is incontrovertible. To wit:
* The woman spotted in Qatar is described as "willowy" and could possibly have blonde hair.
* She uses British terms, for example ordering "chips" instead of "fries."
* She carries a Harrods handbag.
* She sports a crown on top of her burka.
* Many wealthy people live in Qatar.
* The mystery woman makes frequent trips out of the country, perhaps to Europe. England is in Europe. Princess Diana is from England.

More to come soon. Nick Denton is 42.

It's official: Bill Gates is not Fake Steve

See his official denial here. Eddie Haskell-esque money quote from the Beastmaster: "First, I’d like to clarify, I am not Fake Steve Jobs."

Attention Nick Denton: You can cross him off your list.

OK, so we kept it cool

See the writeup on the historic showdown here. I was nice to Bill, he was nice to me. Doesn't mean it's over. Cause it's not. As Sun Tzu says: "To win without fighting is best." And let's be honest. We all know who won. I friggin pwned him. Bill just sat there and didn't have much to say. I even interrupted him -- yes, on purpose -- and told a story about Woz. Trust me, Bill is not used to being interrupted. And he really really hates it. You can't see it on the videotape, I'm sure, but there was a tiny little trickle of smoke coming out of his ears when I did that. Backstage, afterward, he was screaming at his handlers. Ballmer was smashing chairs, calling me an asshole and saying he's tired of coming down to the Valley and taking this shit from people, blah blah blah.

I must say, Bill actually looked good last night. I think he'd had his horns shaved down right before the show, and he combed his hair down over the stumps. Even up close you could barely see them.

Can you feel the love tonight?

Yes, it's true. RSJ told the audience at the D conference today that he's a big fan of the blog. Now if we can just get him to appear in public wearing a "FREE STEVE" T-shirt, we'll be over the moon. BTW apparently Goatberg was disappointed. I'm pretty sure he's not a big fan of the blog.

Valleywag is obsessed with me

Now they're upset that Businessweek included me in some roundup. See here. Money quote: "They (BusinessWeek) want the halo effect of featuring a blogger who's cooler, indier, and about 50% more accurate about the future than they are."

Look, I appreciate the kind words. But when you talk about people trying to glide on my coolness, how do you explain stories like this one? John Paczkowski? Shurely shome mishtake. Well, it's Fleet Street journalism at its finest. Or maybe Nick just wants to keep flubbing in public so that people will remember never to believe anything they read on Valleyway. You're 0 for 2, fuckwit. Keep swinging.

Palm's Foleo: DOA

Look at this thing. Jesus. It's awful. They rolled it out at D today and even the trade press can't stand it. See here and here.

Brent Schlender: It's over between us

So Brent Schlender of Fortune, one my oldest and most trustworthy sycophants, has turned on me. See this review of Apple TV where he not only says the product isn't very good -- he actually compares it to a Zune! Then he goes a step further and tries to take a pee on the iPhone: "So it really makes you wonder whether the iPhone, when it finally arrives next month, will be clunky and misguided despite its gorgeousness and slick user interface." Brent, I know you're still angry about this post from last January where I called you my He-Whore. Well, no need to worry, because your He-Whore privileges have been revoked.

Let me tell the time for you

Check out this website where you can download a clock that uses me to mark the hours. Such a cool idea. Wish I'd thought of it.

Sun engineers can't sing

But this really is a pretty good song about how wonderful it is to be an engineer at "Sun Quentin" and how happy the engineers are. Good luck on that jPhone, you clapped out old bastards. Also check out this video where a Sun attorney sings a song called "Anal Vice." I'm not making this up.

iTunes on Windows: Like offering ice water to people in hell

Oh, snap! Oh no he di'n't! Oh yes I did. I told you guys I was going to come out swinging. For the full lowdown on my solo appearance at D today see the Engadget writeup here. Word is the MicroTards are fuming at me for taking a "low blow" and comparing Windows to hell. Maybe they're right. The analogy isn't perfect. You can't get out of hell. You can get out of Windows. And more and more people are doing just that. Despite what Victoria from Detroit says.

You know what? I can't wait for tonight.

Microsoft: Now we will fuck up your coffee table

These friggin guys just don't quit, do they? They've ruined computing. They're trying to ruin portable music players and televisions and phones. Now they're going after household furniture too with this "Surface" computer. Just think. Soon you can sit down and start cursing at your coffee table when it freezes up or needs to reboot or warns you about some security alert. Jesus. And what is up with all these stories like this one where the writer gushes about how you can just squeeze photos to make them smaller or stretch them to make them bigger. Golly, can you believe it? Well, yeah, I can, since I introduced this several months ago and I'm going to be shipping a real product that employs this technique in only a few weeks.

This Surface thing is such classic Gates. He copies our idea, but in a frigtarded, impractical way, and then tries to steal our thunder by rolling it out the D show, on the day of our big showdown. Damn you Bill Gates! Damn you to hell!

Last minute suggestions?

Honestly, I'm still open to ideas. If you have things you want me to say to Gates, let me know.

Tonight's the night, bitch

Here's our plan as it stands right now. We let Bill go out first and take his seat on the stage with Goatberg. We let them sit there for a couple minutes, looking uncomfortable, wondering what happened to Steve. We make everyone wait. We get them good and restless. Then we knock down the lights and cue the music -- Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" comes blasting out of the speakers, a spotlight hits the door which swings open and I come striding in carrying a huge sword and looking like Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn. Wicked, right?

Either that or Bill and I will just take the stage together at the same time and exchange pleasantries and have a polite, humdrum conversation in which we don't say anything mean about each other. That, just FYI, is what the Microsoft camp has been proposing ever since they read my last post about the big debate.

Turns out the Detroit lady has been bashing Apple for a while

Apparently she fancies herself a kind of Michael Moore wannabe. Giveaway is her use of terms like "Hollywood helmsman Ridley Scott." Basically she deconstructs all of our ads and tells people why they don't work. Oh, lady, you see right through us. Let me guess. You live in Royal Oak. Right? To see all of her work, go to this page.

UPDATE: I just want to let everyone know that the reason I found out about this lady was that she wrote to me, asking me to mention her video on my blog. Okay?

Schmidt digs in against FSF threat

To quote John Kerry: "Bring it on."

The "Free Steve" movement is spreading

Note the T-shirt on the guy in the above cartoon from Macsimum News, a Mac publication. You can see the original cartoon here. Nice. Much love to Jean-Paul Buquet, the fantastic illustrator from Japan who did the cartoon.

Just a reminder

I'm totally not kidding about this: Someone very close to RSJ placed an order for a bunch of these shirts today, according to our interns in Krasnodar, who are in charge of running the Fake Steve Cafe Press shop. Just remember, WWDC is June 11, less than two weeks away. So you might want to pick one up. Or a bunch, and sell them, or give them out to homeless people who'll be loitering outside the Moscone Center. Remember, your Dear Leader is still under threat from the federal government. Show your support!

Bono is fuming

He thought he had that World Bank job for sure. But they gave it to someone else instead. A Bushie, of course. "Jaysus, Steve, it's all politics, who knew?" says yer man.

Schmidt to freetards: "All your Linux are belong to us."

Just got a call from Squirrel Boy saying he's not at all in a panic and in fact he has told Moglen to shove his threats up his big fat ass. "Same goes for Stallman," Schmidt says. "Don't these people know who we are? We're friggin Google. We've got peanuts in our stool that are bigger than Stallman and Moglen put together. They want to threaten me? They're going to show up at the gates of my city with the skulls of conquered kings? Like who? My Little Pony? The dopes at Novell? This. Is. Google! You work for us. We will take your Linux and do as we wish. And you are powerless to stop us!"

Freetards now targeting Google

So Squirrel Boy is in a mini panic because the freetards have finally figured out that Google has been making cool improvements to Linux but not sharing its code back with the community. Now freetard lawyer Eben Moglen (in photo above with his pal Richard Stallman) is making noises about how Google must stop ripping off the "community" and start giving away all of its specialized code. Or else risk the wrath of Moglen and the threat of being put into FSF jail. Or something. See here. Money quote from Moglen: "(Google has) ethical and community responsibilities to return at least those modifications that are not critical to their business and that are of general value to the community. We will see over time whether there are additional measures necessary in order to secure cooperation in the community."

Funny thing is that Moglen could have written the new Linux license, GPLv3, in such a way that it would have forced Google to do this. Instead he pussed out. But now he's talking tough. Weird. Anyhoo, you know what? This is a lawsuit I'd really, really like to see. Really.

Linux Indy car crash on video

Thanks to the reader who sent this in. Apparently the guy crashed into a wall for no apparent reason. Again, a great metaphor for Linux, the software that would be a movement if only it could stop getting in its own way.

It's true, I suck at math

See this story where a stock market expert explains how I made one of the dumbest trades of all time when I traded stock options for restricted shares. Money quote: "The exchange of the ESOs for the restricted cost Mr. Jobs over $4 billion. This is the most expensive and worst options trade ever made." This is what I've been trying to tell the SEC and the US Attorney. I'm the victim here, people.

"I love my job. I hate my customers."

That's a quote from Ed Zander of Motorola. But it turns out Linus Torvalds feels pretty much the same way. Word is he secretly flew into the Bay Area recently for some huge hedonistic luau party up in the Santa Cruz Mountains with a bunch of world-class uber-hackers hosted by a famous traitor to the Linux cause. From what I'm told someone asked Linus about the Tux500 Indy car effort and that just set him off. Fair enough, he'd had a bit to drink. Whatever.

Thing is, I really like Linus. He's an awesome guy. Ask anyone who's met him. He's pretty amazing. Great programmer but an even better human being. How he deals with the freetards is beyond me. Not only does he have to hang out with pathetic weenies dreaming up stupid ideas like sponsoring race cars and using his trademark without his permission. He's also got to deal with Richard Stallman, who is determined to frig up Linux if it's the last thing he ever does. Yet somehow L.T. (as we call him) stays Zen through it all. Except when he's hammered at parties in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Hey, shit happens.

Also: Click on the photo above and in the enlarged version check out the guy in the back, at right, with the beard and propeller beanie. Then tell me you don't feel bad for Linus.

Tux500 loser: The world now knows who we are

Seriously, read this pathetic apologia from one of the Linux Indy car scammers reporting on the fact that the car with the penguin on it was the first car knocked out of the race. Money quote: "For now though, let it be known. We, the Linux Community, did what we set out to do. We started to tell the world about Linux. Via this event, millions of people that have never heard of Linux now have."

They've heard of it all right -- when the announcer was saying, "What's that word on the car that's smashing into the wall? Oh, Linux. I see." Yes, let it be known. "Linux" and "untimely crashes," now and forever linked in the minds of frigtards who watch cars go in circles. Great job, morons. You're ace marketers. For sure.

Look, don't be too mean to this lady

This woman in Detroit wants to know if she should get a Mac. Obviously the answer is no, but please try to be kind when you tell her why this is the case.

McNealy attacked by zombie flash mob

Look at him. Poor bastard. On Friday night he was trying to sneak into our Apple store and get a MacBook Pro so he could see what a real computer looks like. Before he could get there he was taken down by the brain-eating zombies who were on the loose in Union Square. Ugly stuff. For more pix see this page. My favorite in the photo gallery is the one of the drag queen (I think) zombie who had the presence of mind to remember to wear a hip pack. Cool thing about San Francisco is that a couple hundred zombies can invade Union Square and most people don't even notice. Looks pretty much like any SOMA club on a Friday night. Or the Halloween party in the Castro. Or a management meeting at Yelp.

Word on Scooter is that he's critical but stable condition at UCSF Medical Center. He's lost part of his brain but docs say it's not likely anyone will notice.

Zune is a Zune is a Zune is a Zune

Microsoft is getting desperate. Bill, no matter what color you make it, it's still a Zune. Sorry.

Bill Gates, I am going to make you my bitch!

Well it's less than 48 hours until my historic showdown with Bill Gates at the D conference on Wednesday. Or, as it's now known, the Gunfight at the Goatberg Corral. I've been rehearsing all weekend and so far in our sparring rounds I've won 10 and lost zero against Guy Kawasaki. We're using the same list of questions that we've fed to Goatberg. And we've tried to anticipate where Gates will try to sting me. Example, the price of the iPhone being too high. My response? This just shows how Apple has totally gained the upper hand in the market and can command a huge premium for its products. Market share? Say something about McDonald's. My old comment about "Microsoft has no taste"? I stand by what I said. Especially since Vista came out and we found it's just XP in a skirt.

The timing for this could not be more perfect. Here, at D, we're going to offer a visual representation of Microsoft versus Apple, just like in our "I'm a Mac" ads. Gates surly and defensive and covered in dandruff, me classy and bearded and cool. The imagery alone will speak volumes and will call up other comparisons: OS X versus Vista, iPod versus Zune. The idea is just to keep drawing the contrast between us in sharp relief. We just hammer and hammer and hammer on it. (And yes, if you think this D conference set-up was our idea, you're correct. And if you suspect it's really a plan between us and Goatberg to ambush Gates, you're correct again.)

Once I've spanked Bill at D and demonstrated how far ahead of them we are, two weeks later at the WWDC we're going to take a huge leap forward and blow everyone away. Microsoft will be eating our wake. By the end of June, with the iPhone release, our stock will be at $130. Mark my words.

To get myself even more pumped up, every night, after rehearsal, I've been watching "Gladiator" and "300." Morituri te salutamus, as the ancient Spartans used to say.

Namaste, David Sobotta

Former Apple employee David Sobotta suggests here that FSJ is more interesting than RSJ. Much love, David. Your job at Apple is still open if you want to come back.

Linux car finishes dead last at Indy. `We have won!' sponsors say

Those Linux saps who managed to convince some Indy car team to put a Tux the Penguin Linux logo on their car are nowhere to be seen these days. Reason? The Linux car bailed after 36 laps, finishing dead last in the race. See results here for Roberto Moreno in car #77. What a perfect metaphor for Linux itself. Loads of hype and then a quick fizzle. How long till these kooks resurface and declare that even though they lost, they actually won? Or that they would have won, except Microsoft ran them off the road?

UPDATE: Word on Slashdot is that free software legal expert Eben Moglen is claiming that the Indy 500 itself now has been GPL'd. Affixing the logo to an Indy car constitutes "redistribution" under terms of GPL. Viral nature of the license means that from now on all Indy cars will have to bear Linux logos. Moglen says he believes the FSF can work this out amicably without going to court, but warns "the community will do what it needs to do in order to protect its freedom." More on this as it develops.

Dave Winer update

Turns out Winer has a history of not quite getting satire. See here. I've also been told that he invented RSS, XML, HTML, HTTP, weblogging and podcasting. Who knew?

Much love to the reader who sent this in via comment strings.

Not sure if this is real or not

Came in via comments. I wouldn't doubt it. Shows a Zune bin, where they're giving them away free, and nobody has taken any. See here.

Dave Winer threatens to sue over Free Steve panties

Dave Winer, editor of Scripting News and generally the biggest pain in the ass in the Valley, now is making trouble over the Free Steve T-shirts. He says the guy looks too much like him and he wants us to stop selling them. I told him, Dude, think about it, how else are you ever going to get this close to some woman's you-know-what? He wasn't amused. Says he'll take us to court. Dave just loves to have big fights with people. More, even, than he likes getting up close and personal with a coochie. A lot more.

Thoughts for a holiday weekend

People often ask me how I feel about drugs. My stance on this is a little bit controversial. I like drugs. I think they’re good. Fair enough, not heroin. And not cocaine or crack or crystal meth. But soft drugs, like marijuana and hashish, and the psychedelics, like LSD and peyote, I think are really beneficial both on an individual level and a cultural level. Frankly, I think marijuana is what got us out of Vietnam.

In my own life, drugs have played a huge role not only in helping me relax and unwind and have a good time, but also in being able to open up my creativity and see things in a new way. Without marijuana, I can almost guarantee you, there would have been no Apple Computer. Certainly there would have been no Macintosh.

As I see it the problem began with Nancy Reagan and her “Just Say No” campaign. Yes, it was stupid. But it worked. They’ve succeeded in scaring an entire generation away from drugs. You should see the kids who come through here for interviews. Ask them if they've ever done acid and they give you this look like you just asked if they've ever been abducted by aliens.

This shunning of drugs has produced a generation of conformists. Look at all these new companies in the Bay Area, all these supposed “tech” companies. God knows what they do, but it’s all some variation on the same theme and they all have names like Zizzl and Drizzl and Bizzl, so you can’t tell them apart. Can’t these kids think of anything original? Apparently not. My theory is it’s because they’ve never used psychedelics.

Thank you, Nancy Reagan. Thank you, Christian Right zealots. You’ve ruined an entire generation. It's bad enough these kids grew up with parents who were terrified to let them go outside and play without being supervised. Then they got to school and got hit with the AIDS education stuff, and I know it’s important to teach kids to fuck safely, but come on. Let’s be honest. The subtext is they're using this to scare kids about sex itself. And it’s worked wonders. It’s very effective. These kids are terrified – of drugs, of sex, of each other.

Kids, I’m sorry, but the truth is, a few evenings spent sleeping with strangers and tripping your brains out on peyote or some really clean blotter acid would be the best thing that could ever happen to you. Forget trying to get a job at Google or trying to raise venture funding for some startup. Go down to the Mission and score some weed. Buy yourself a bong, and fire it up. Then go think of an idea for a company.

Which is all a long way of saying that the first thing I did when I got home last night was put on some Leonard Cohen and fire up a bowl of some fine reddish buds. It’s mellow stuff, Seventies style weed, not this wacked out paranoia-inducing hydroponic stuff that they grow today, this stuff that makes you want to crawl under your bed and hide. I have my weed specially grown for me, up in Oregon, by a grower who knows how to keep the THC content low. Really, really nice. I highly recommend it.

Put a dirty old man in your pants

Fair enough, this would work better with Larry's image on it. (He called last night and asked if we could make a Larry thong. We're working on it.) Anyway. Someone commented that this drawing makes me look like an old perv. I agree. It's a bit R. Crumb. Works great on a thong, if you ask me. Even if you don't wear thongs, they make great slingshots. Like if you want to play Rat Patrol when you're in SF for WWDC, and you need something to fire paint balloons at tranny hookers in the Tenderloin. Get them here.

Another design from Mikolaj

Much love to Mikolaj Kamler and Zuzanna Orlinska at Manufaktura in Warsaw for this new design for our "FREE STEVE" series. Get them while they're hot at the Fake Steve Cafe Press shop. The model shown is beautiful organic cotton, very soft.

Also: I'm sorry to report that Cafe Press does not make mock turtlenecks. If anyone has a source for these and wants to help out, send email.

Another one

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PC World does me a solid

And lists OS X as #9 on its Top 100 list of the best products of 2007. This is PC World, mind you. Money quote: "Quick: Name a good Vista feature that goes beyond what's in Tiger. Yeah, we can't either." Much love, PC World. I take back all those bad things I said about you.

This poor suffering bastard

Put his MacBook Pro on the back of his car and drove off to work, forgetting it was there. Came back and found it had been run over by SUVs and snowplows or something. Thiw as in Alberta, which I believe is in Alaska, above the Arctic Circle, which would explain the snow. See the full sad story here. The guy also posts a closeup of the fragged MacBook. It's dead. Sorry, pal. Tell you what though. Take it to the local Apple store and tell them I said it's okay to give you a replacement. Have them call me if they need to. Anything to help out. Peace.

Caption entry

Verizon's "iPhone killer"

Rumor is they're going to sell the LG Prada phone this summer. See here. Oh, we are soooo scared.

Microsoft's iPod Amnesty bin

This one has been around but in case you haven't seen it, go here. It's located outside the Zune headquarters. So sad. Really.

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Um, freetards?

Dear friends in the Defective by Design movement: I know you think this poster is going to scare people away from using iPods. I hate to tell you, but I think it's actually helping sales. In any case I'm not sure it helps your cause to have weirdo losers like this carrying around pictures of women in bondage. Because it's kind of what we all suspect you freaks secretly fantasize about when you're sitting around in your pee-stained tighty whities downloading drivers. Right?

(Note to readers: After you click on the photo of the losers, click on the "Original" button at top of page and you'll get a real closeup of Mr. Scary Goggle Wearing Guy. Don't do this when there are kids around, though. You'll scare them.)

Chairman Bill

Great story in Wired about how Bill Gates is this huge hero to young people in China. Money quote from a "Chinese propaganda minister" (or maybe Frank Shaw, I'm not sure):

"Bill Gates deserves to win the Nobel Peace Prize. He gives people across the globe not only material help, but also inspiration that if they work very, very hard, they might one day become more important than a president."

Excuse me. I just barfed up a lung.

A match made in heaven

Dell and Wal-Mart have formed a partnership. See here. How perfect is this? I'm so glad you two kids found each other.

Me v. Bill

John Shinal of Marketwatch won't say who he thinks will win next week's meeting between me and the Dragon. But I think you can guess. Money quote: "While the 51-year-old Gates is slated to become a part-time Microsoft employee next year, Jobs is as engaged as ever at Apple as CEO, product-design guru and public pitchman." See here.

Apple's market cap will exceed IBM's

Within two years. So says analyst Georges Yared in this article. Right now we're at about $100 billion and they're at $160 billion. But they're treading water and we're just getting going. Another key difference of course is that we're a tech company.

Re: this upcoming historic joint appearance

You've probably heard about this but just in case you haven't, see the press release here. Beastmaster Bill and I will participate in an "unrehearsed, unscripted, onstage conversation" with Walt Goatberg and his DATY sidekick whose name escapes me. This will happen next week at Goatberg's conference. As you also probably know, I never go anywhere "unrehearsed and unscripted." We're going to be practicing all weekend, using Guy Kawasaki as a stand-in for Bill, Steve Dowling as Walt and Katie Cotton as the sidekick.

We're not taking this lightly. Bill makes sucky software but he's a crafty opponent in a debate. So I'm looking for input. I'd like to enlist the help of the "community." What questions should I ask the Beastmaster when we get onstage?

A new lie from Microsoft? Or just wishful thinking?

See here. Headline reads: "Next version of Windows to be `fundamentally different.'" Um, no it won't. It will be fundamentally the same. It will suck. For a quarter of a century these guys have been putting out sucky operating systems and vowing that the next one is not going to suck. Or won't such as much. Or something. But they always suck. They can't help it. The suckitude is ingrained in their culture. It's in their DNA. Sorry, Bill. We can discuss this at our historic appearance at the D conference next week.

Another caption

Some Brit says Apple isn't fun anymore

Because we make a lot of products in just black and/or white. See here. Money quote: "Apple thinks it's funny - witness its latest "I'm a Mac" adverts. But sadly it's the PC guy who's the funny one. The Mac guy is a bit of a prat. Stop being so damn cool, and get a sense of fun back in your life."

Ah, the English. Yes. The experts in what's funny. Simon, thanks for the help. BTW what the hell is a prat? Is that even a real word?

Caption entries

We've made our first sale!

Much love to S.B. of Redmond, Wash., who placed an order for a thong this afternoon. Thanks for helping support a great cause!

I dig this, but our lawyers don't

We're threatening to sue this sex toy company in England. See this article from News of the Screws, Britain's finest source of journalism. Frankly I think this iGasm product is a cool idea. It vibrates in sync with music on your iPod. If it were up to me I'd sell these in our Apple retail stores. They really work. I can vouch for it. The maker of the toy, Ann Summers, sent me a demo unit. It had just been reviewed by Om Malik at GigaOM. The company swore they'd cleaned it with bleach, but I don't know. Still smelled like beef jerky. If you'd like to order your own unit, fresh and unused, see here.

You know you want it

Who wouldn't? So go here and get one for that special lady in your life.

A call to arms

Apple faithful, it is time for us to send a message to the world. Specifically, to the S.E.C. and the U.S. Attorney for Northern California. For months these frigtards have been hounding me. Distracting me. Tearing me away from the important work of creating beautiful objects that restore a sense of childlike wonder to people's lives. And though Apple has been cleared, I have not. Sure, I've tried to put on a brave face even while Fred and Nancy make up lies about me in order to save their own backsides. But the threat still hangs over my head, like a sword of Hercules.

So Apple PR has come up with a great idea. It's a visual statement. A way to tell the feds, "Leave our Dear Leader alone." They've drawn inspiration from that scene in "V for Vendetta" when all of London comes out dressed as Guy Fawkes to confront the fascist government pigs.

The idea is this. If you're coming to the WWDC, wear this T-shirt. We'll organize a rally in the plaza and bring in the press. Imagine thousands of us, together, dressed in long-sleeve black T-shirts and proclaiming in one voice: FREE STEVE.

Can ordinary people really band together to convince their government to stop the harassment of innocent individuals?

In the words of John Lennon: Imagine.

The shirts are available exclusively at our official Cafe Press store. The PR team went a little crazy and also made up Free Steve bumper stickers, dog shirts, teddy bear, baby outfits -- even a Free Steve thong.

Much love to our graphics partner, Mikolaj Kamler of Manufaktura in Warsaw. He did the design.

A Microsoft loyalist leaves the fold

This is a long blog post but worth it, I think. A programmer and longtime Microsoft evangelist who has spent the past 16 years of his life devoted to Microsoft and its products has finally had enough and switched to Macs and Linux. Money quote: "Microsoft are the new IBM, and Microsoft customers are just like the huge corporate suit wearing monoliths that bought into the whole IBM mirage back in the 70's and 80's. I don't want to work for IBM."

Marijuana overdose 911 call

This one is totally off topic. A cop in Michigan stole pot from the station, baked into brownies, ate them with his wife, and then freaked out and called 911, thinking they were dying. Something very similar happened to me in college only it was four-way acid and we all took a whole hit, ie a quadruple dose. Unreal. Happened again once up in Aspen, only it was cocaine and Bruce Willis had to restart my heart. Intense.

Much love to the dude who sent this in. According to his email he's a professor at Harvard Medical School. Doc, I fear for your students. And your patients.

Blast from the past

Man did this old video bring back memories. It's the first time we showed anyone our famous 1984 ad. Hard to imagine a world where people were so afraid of IBM, isn't it?

John Doerr's "My Asshole" company is crapping out

See the CNET story on it here. Apparently they can't make these super-thin solar panels work yet. I can't help but think that naming the company "Miasole" is hurting business too. I've written about this before. See here.

Larry Ellison is sponsoring an LPGA event

Official name is the Oracle Longs Drug Classic but informally it's known as "The Larry." What a trophy, right? It's so Larry. Sick bastard. He's pouring big bucks into this and hoping it will become a big party scene like the Dinah Shore tournament in Palm Springs. Personally I hate golf even more than I hate sailboat racing. But whatever. Larry needs hobbies. Otherwise he'd have to go to work. God knows that ain't gonna happen.

You're welcome, Disney shareholders

I know you're pissed about the backdating stuff. But read this story about how I've transformed your boring old company into a cutting-edge Internet savvy media player. Sure, they give credit to Iger and his crew. But read between the lines. You know who's really pulling the strings.

Thank you, Wall Street Journal

Great story saying how Vista is falling short of expectations. See a bit of it here. Money quote: "The tech company that really seems to be enjoying Microsoft's new operating system is Apple." It's true. We love Vista. A lot.

Larry, you're a disgrace

So Larry got his ass kicked by some crafty eyeties in a boat race. Apparently this is a very big deal. At least to people who care about boat races. See here. Larry spent a zillion dollars on some fancy America's Cup boat but then made the fatal error of insisting that they let him be a part of the crew. Typical. He also hired a crazy dictatorial captain that nobody liked and who everyone knew was going to mess the whole thing up. Everyone but Larry that is. Money quote: "How Ellison couldn't see the obvious is mind boggling. Many people thought the team were going to implode - the question was when." The result is that for the first time in 24 years there will be no U.S. boat in the America's Cup. Nice work, Larry.

Caption contest

Well it's Tuesday where I am. So here goes. Have fun. Not sure what I'm doing in this picture. The Watusi maybe?

Oh, Al, you coy bitch, just run already

Hope you've seen this cover story in Time about Al Gore. Money quote from me: "If he ran, there's no question in my mind that he would be elected. But I think there's a question in his mind, perhaps because the pain of the last election runs a lot deeper than he lets most of us see."

Al, the whole Valley is holding out for you. We hate Hillary. Obama refuses to kiss our ass and tell us how smart and important we are. Edwards is too smarmy, and he reminds us of all the scumbag class-action lawyers who shake us down with shareholder suits every time our stocks drop a few bucks. We won't vote for a Republican. Period.

Al, we need you. And you know you're going to do it, no matter what Tipper tells you. So quit friggin around and announce, for Christ's sake.

Linux Indy car guy falls short but takes victory lap anyway

The goal: Raise $350,000 to sponsor a car for the Indy 500. The guy behind the effort said all he needed was for 1% of Linux users to donate $1 each. In the end he raised $15,000. Which I guess proves the Linux community is either a) smaller than he thought; or b) cheaper; or c) both. Despite raising only 4% of his target goal the Tux500 guy is claiming victory because somehow he still managed to get a penguin sticker on a race car. See here. Meanwhile there are now some other Linux loons saying that the Tux500 organizers are running a scam. See what Penguin Pete has to say. Yes, that's right. Penguin Pete.

Arrests made in Woz attack

Weird story and not at all funny. It was the anti-DRM people. They were at Maker Faire looking for trouble. They spotted Woz and started giving him shit about iTunes and iPods. Then they saw him riding his Segway and tried to take it away from him but he put up a fight. Apparently Segways are another one of their big "most hated" products because they use closed software and DRM code that prevents people from hacking into Segways and loading Linux on them and, I don't know, turning them into milkshake machines or something. Woz is in stable condition but he's gonna be in the hospital for a few days. He was so confused after the attack that he initially said he was abducted by "spacemen." The Segway is trashed. Smashed to pieces. Good news is the police were called and five of these a-holes were arrested.

Photo above shows the gang out in the street right after the attack, all proud of themselves. Photo below shows one of the attackers being tackled to the ground and pulled out of his space suit. Look close and you can see some of Woz's blood on the suit.



Finally here's a photo of Peter Brown, head of the Free Software Foundation, giving an interview to local TV and defending the attack, saying Woz provoked the DRM guys by riding his Segway back and forth where they were protesting.

This frooby dexter has a bug up his ass about me

See this story from the San Francisco Chronicle where this shareholder activist from Institutional Shareholder Services just rants and raves about me. The guy is just jonesing for a piece of El Jobso.

Money quotes:

"Steve Jobs touted at the Apple shareholder meeting that Apple was credited for their extraordinary cooperation by the folks at the SEC. But I don't think they have offered similar cooperation to their own investors and have not allowed complete transparency over their investigation. They are too busy, frankly, spinning this issue and making light of it."

"Because of his relatively young age, we don't tend to lump Steve Jobs in that category of the "imperial" CEO. But clearly this was an emperor on his throne at this meeting."

"One corporate secretary at a contentious meeting turned to me as her own CEO was speaking and said three simple words that I have never forgotten: "Life is spin." I think that must be Steve Jobs' mantra."

It goes on and on. Just sickening.

Dude, look. I'm sorry you're only five foot one. I'm sorry you look like a dweeb. I'm sorry you got wedgied and swirly-whirlied all through school, and that because of that you can't have erections. But pygmy, it's not my fault. Get some help. See a shrink. Put lifts in your shoes. But get off my friggin back. Seriously.

Another nuisance suit

So we produce the finest portable computers ever known to mankind, and some greedy opportunists nevertheless see this as a chance to get rich by filing a lawsuit. See here and here. These frigtards are accusing us of false advertising about our displays. Or are they? This was reported on Engadget, after all, and we know how reliable they are. The giveaway that this might be another hoax: Plaintiffs claim the "display problems are not visible when they boot Windows XP on their Intel-based MacBooks and MacBook Pros, suggesting that Apple's operating system is to blame." Er, right. Engadget, you might want to double-check your "sources" on this one.

Woz attacked at Maker Faire

Some punks beat him up and took his Segway. Unreal. This after Woz gave an inspiring speech to the young folks, telling them "romantic and impassioned stories of the power and excitement of mathematics and engineering." On second thought, maybe that's why they beat the shit out of him.

Customers are so demanding

Check out this open letter in which some pushy nerd tells me all the components that our next Macbook Pro must contain. I don't know what half of this stuff even means. But I've passed it on to our engineers.

More Live Earth backlash

This time in Australia. See here. Poor Al. I told him, Before you go out on a limb on this thing, make sure it's gonna fly. Oh well. You ever wonder why he got his ass beat by Bush? The guy has zero political instincts. Zero. Meanwhile see this from New Zealand. I'm no scientist. I'm not saying who's right or wrong. I'm just saying, Al pushed this thing too hard and he's going to get whacked in the backlash.

Report from Cannes

Poor Jerry Seinfeld. Look, I was a fan of his TV show. Sort of. But this bee thing is really sad. He's been walking around wearing the costume all weekend, going into restaurants and hotels and cafes, and disrupting movie screenings and press conferences, trying to steal the spotlight from everyone else. Funny for the first twelve hours or so. But since then? Lame. Nobody's laughing. They're just annoyed. Plus, we saw the thirty minutes of the film that they're showing here. They sent a DVD to my hotel. It's beyond awful. Really. Writeups like this are trying to be kind. But you can read between the lines. Like when Chris Rock says it's cool because Seinfeld wrote the whole movie himself, and explains, "Most animated movies are made by committee, and the comedy is scattered. They're great, but this one feels like a handmade suit." Um, yeah. It feels like a handmade suit made by a blind tailor. That's the line he left off. Jerry, you were a funny standup guy, and you did well using Larry David's material on your TV show. But you shouldn't be trying to write a movie. There's a reason why Pixar always brings in a team to punch up the scripts. Not saying our movies are better. But, um, they are. A lot better.

In other news, the Michael Moore movie is amazing. Huge. The man is a genius on a par with Leni Riefenstahl, and I don't say that lightly.

What else. Oh yeah. The Edge flew in Friday, and last night he and Bono beat the shit out of some English guy in a bar. Something about soccer teams. We were in an Irish bar and the Brit and his pals started singing songs and doing these taunts and saying the guys in U2 are a bunch of rockstar fairies. The main guy was this big scary dude with chains on his neck and a shaved head, singing about Manchester or something. Next thing I know The Edge goes over the table and he's into this guy like a mad dog, using his teeth and smashing a bottle over the guy's head. Bono leapt in with his boots and kicked in the guy's ribs. Ugly. Cops were called, but we split in time. And nobody saw nuffing. Bono says it's an Irish thing. Nobody squeals.

iPhones for sale in China

See here. Yup, just like you can get genuine Rolex watches for sale on Canal Street in New York. Order at your own risk.

Caution: Pure evil

This My Little Pony tribute video came in from a reader who found it on YouTube. Reader says it was created by the Free Software Foundation as a way to say "thank you" to Jonathan for giving away all of Sun's IP, and helping to create a new utopian world of sunshine and ice cream and pretty pink operating systems for all boys and girls to use however they'd like.

Daltrey to Gore: F-f-f-f...

Roger Daltrey has figured out that the Live Earth concerts are a load of crap. So has Bob Geldof. Question: If even frigtarded drug-addled rockers realize that it makes no sense to burn lots of fuel in order to raise awareness of global warming, how come Al Gore doesn't see this? And how soon till people start to figure out that this isn't about saving the planet, it's about Al? See here.

Congratulations, Jon Ive

You've won the prestigious National Design Award from the Cooper-Hewitt National Design Museum. See here. Extra hundred bucks in your paycheck this week. Money quote: "Since 1996 he has led a product design team widely regarded as one of the industry’s best. Ive’s streamlined design aesthetic, combined with a strong knowledge of the engineering process, has brought design into the public consciousness in an unprecedented way. Creating some of the most innovative products of the past decade ..."

Apple faithful, I know what you're wondering: Does it bug me to see Jon Ive get all the credit for my work? Fact is, it doesn't. Not really. Jon is a great assistant, maybe the best I've ever had other than Woz, and I'm glad to see him getting some praise for the work I've done. The way I see it, it's really my award anyway, and everyone who matters knows that.

Bono thinks he's going to get the World Bank job

No lie. He just called from Cannes. Says he's being seriously considered to replace Wolfowitz. I'm like, "Dude, do you know anything about banking?" He goes, "First of all, cocknose, me cousin Ronan is assistant manager of a bank in Ballymun and I'll tell ya, it's a fookin sweet little gig wit all yer holidays and half days and not going in till ten in the morning. Second of all, look, did Jaysus know anything about religion before he started out? No. He didn't know fook-all about it because he was just a regular guy, which in fact was his great strength and in the end he knew more than all the fookin Pharisees put together, didn't he? Which is what I told them in my interview. Sure, they're talking to Tony Blair, but come on, the guy's poison after the Iraq thing. Plus, how many times has he been to Africa? Has he fathered any children there? Has he ever held hands and posed for photos with someone who's got AIDS? Can he speak Swahili? Nah, man, I'm pretty sure it's mine to lose, honestly. I did a phone interview and nailed it. And I took the Myers-Briggs exam and they say I'm an ENTP, which is ideal for a bank manager. I told them I want full-time pay and all the benefits, but I'll only work three days a week plus I get time off for touring. Hey, Graydon, dammit, where's my fookin smokes, eh? Didja steal them again you bastard? Oh man, fer God's sake, put some fookin clothes on, seriously. Or tie up the robe at least cause man I really don't need to see yer fookin turkey neck hanging out there, all right? Christ almighty."

Bono also kept bugging me to fly over to Cannes and you know what? I'm going. I'll have a full report on Monday, if not sooner.

I'm calling Paris Hilton's lawyers

They just got her sentence cut in half. I've been trying to negotiate something like that for months. No luck so far.

Over the hills and far away

Now I know everyone's making a big deal out of this Beatles deal we're working on, but what most people don't realize is that there's something even bigger coming along involving Led Zeppelin. I'm not supposed to say anything about it, but it's 99.999% done and it's really unique among all the deals we've done. Cool thing is that Zep isn't just going to sell stuff online like everyone else, mostly because they just don't see the point of it and they don't need the money and they really don't like the idea of people buying one track at a time when they created their albums to be albums.

Keith Daly, our iTunes dealmaker guy, has spent years going back and forth with them on this and he's agreed to do albums-only if that's whey insist upon and he also says another reason for the holdout is that they want to feel special or whatever and they figure that by waiting until everyone else jumps then there will be a big deal when they finally sign on. Don't ever underestimate the egos on these guys, especially on Plant, but anyway in the end we've managed to craft something that turns out to be way more exciting than any deal we've ever made, because it's going to involve not just a great band but also a huge breakthrough in sound quality, one that's going to require us to do loads of work on our end to accommodate a new digital format.

Eventually we are going to have the entire Zeppelin catalog, plus extra tracks, outtakes, and some live stuff that's never been heard anywhere, and we mght even be putting out new Zeppelin albums based on previously unheard archival work and possibly some new solo stuff from Jimmy and Robert. Now, however, in the beginning, we're going to just have the original Zep albums, and Zeppelin is going to release them one at a time, in chronological order, hoping to hype the crap out of each one, maybe doing one every six months or so, or however long it takes Jimmy to remaster the tracks and then sprinkle the hard drives with goat's blood or whatever it is he does during his black masses.

The albums will all be personally remastered by Jimmy himself from the original tapes and re-done in a high-resolution digital format that some dudes in Germany have developed and which is supposedly 100 times better than CD quality. On a trip to England last month I spent a day with Page and Plant in Page's home studio and they played me a version of Stairway that Jimmy had remastered on one of these high-rez A-to-D converters and honestly it was stunning. Never, ever, in any format, have I heard music that sounds like this. It sounded real.

So what this means for consumers is that soon we are going to be able to deliver digital sound through iTunes that's unimaginably better than anything you've ever heard on LP or CD, and so lifelike that it's like being in the studio with the musicians when they were recording the songs. And this is why Zep has held out for so long, not simply because of their egos but because Jimmy (who by the way is a huge Mac user) doesn't want to just put his stuff on the Internet for the sake of doing it, but rather he wants to find a way to push digital downloads to the next level. CDs have always been complete shit, he says, and he's never liked any of the Zeppelin CDs that have been put out, mostly because of the low sample rates and other limitations which have made them at best "a pale shadow" (his term) of what exists on the original analog master tapes.

Unfortunately, most of the stuff people listen to on iPods is even worse than what they had on CDs, and way worse than the original tapes. Now, however, that's going to change, because we're on the verge of a huge breatkhrough in which the quality of digital music is going to leapfrog past analog, and Led Zeppelin is going to be on the cutting edge of this, along with Apple and iTunes. The engineers in our labs have ordered three of these German A-to-D machines and as soon as they get here we're going to start doing some experiments of our own with high-rez downloads, and I'm hoping that by this year's Christmas season we'll be delivering Zeppelin I in glorious high-rez digital, and we'll maybe a special ZOSO iPod, in black with a pentagram, available in a bundled purchase promotion type thing.

Peace out.

So, you leaked an email to Engadget?

Well, the whole Engadget leak fiasco has played out better than we could have imagined. Not only did we strike a blow against bloggers but we also found our leakers. We have placed both of them in custody. I can't really tell you what we're doing to them. But it's not taking place in the United States, so it's perfectly legal.

Beastmaster Bill is getting desperate

After years of talking smack about how he was going to crush Google, well, he's caved in and spent $6 billion for some online ad companies. See here. I'm sure it pains these guys to part with so much money. I'm equally sure that it's not going to work.

IBM's latest "big bet"

Ever notice how every year or two IBM comes up with some big huge promise about some big huge way they're going to generate big huge growth? Yesterday they told analysts they're going to double their EPS by 2010. See here. This time the plan involves buybacks and screwing pensioners. And, um, they're going to take on debt to buy back the shares. I think they call that taking out loans to produce earnings. Well, it beats trying to sell computers. What amazes me is that nobody ever holds IBM to any of this stuff. Remember this story from 2004 when Fortune reported IBM had a big plan to grow to $150 billion in revenues by taking over HR departments for their customers? Ahem. And yet these frigtards in the press just keep reporting whatever IBM tells them.

Banksy?

I hope so. He's kind of my soul mate. And it was spotted in Bristol. Perhaps a Banksy acolyte? Much love, whoever did this. And much love to the guy who sent this in.

I love going to Cannes, but still

So Bono is in Cannes with Graydon Carter from Vanity Fair and he's been bugging the crap out of me to fly over and hang out with him this weekend. I've got the Jobs Jet fueled up and ready to go, and Larry says he wants to come along too and chase tail. Truth is I could use a little R&R and Cannes is gorgeous at this time of year. But I know what's going to happen. Bono will get loaded and start giving me shit about the smoke problem at his apartment in the San Remo, which okay I guess I should have disclosed when I sold the place to him. My feeling is, Hey, I gave the guy a huge deal on that place anyway. And I told him to hire a home inspector, but he said there was no need, he trusted me. Caveat emptor, as they say in French.

Dude, stop giving out iPhones

Maybe you've seen this already. If so, my apologies. Stan Sigman of Cingular is supposed to be giving a commencement address and instead he turns it into an advertisement for the iPhone. And he's given a free iPhone to the president of this university. Which he was totally NOT authorized to do. We're going to have problems with this guy. I can tell already.

Fortune's new "comic book" style

The huge typefaces, the exclamation points, the big high impact art. POW! ZAP! BAM! BLAMMO! Couple of editions ago they had the huge hand bashing through a wall and the headline, BUSINESS IS BACK! Who knew it ever went away? Today my assistant, Ja'Red, left the new edition on my desk, and it's the worst one yet. Two badly dressed dirtbag kids and the headline, "MANAGE US? PUH-LEEEZE...." Story is about how hard it is to deal with these crazy Gen Y kids. Like, they're super idealistic and loaded with self-esteem and they're total rule-breakers, man, who demand meaningful jobs with cool bosses who totally respect them. Whew! Wow! Blam! See the whole ridiculous piece here.

Money quote: "They're ambitious, they're demanding and they question everything, so if there isn't a good reason for that long commute or late night, don't expect them to do it."

In other words, they're stupid lazy retards. Just like their elders. Yet Fortune treats these kids like some different species, as if they're creatures from another planet. In the print edition there's even a full-page photo showing some kid with arrows pointing to his Gen Y accessories, which include headphones, an iPod, a latte, a laptop, a Blackberry and "hipster clothes" like "jeans." Ahem.

Then the deep philosophical questions: How do you attract them? How do you retain them? Fortune, Puh-leeze. You attract them with money. You retain them with more money. You motivate them with fear. I've covered a lot of this in my post about my management style.

Rest of the edition includes a big book excerpt by Stanley "Watch Me Try to Be Funny" Bing about different types of bosses; I couldn't stay awake. Then there's an article about Marvel comics. Why is this in a business magazine? Mostly, I suspect, so they can run pictures of Spider-Man and the Hulk. I was hoping they'd do a sidebar like, "Management tips from Spider-Man!" or "How YOU can be a SUPERHERO!" No luck. Maybe they ran that stuff online.

I'm sorry but this is lame

Some loser has created a blog pretending to be me. See here. What kind of sicko would do something like this?

Some guy from BusinessWeek says he won't buy Apple TV

See here. Boo hoo. We'll have to live without you somehow. And I guess BusinessWeek will have to live without our advertising.

IBM, your trusted computing partner

IBM has lost tapes containing thousands of records for former employees and some customers. See here. The incident happened Feb. 23 but in the spirit of radical transparency IBM didn't cop to it until some of the victims leaked it to the press. Best line in the story is where IBM's flack is asked how many people are affected and he says, "It's a plural number." IBM flacks, you are the best! IBM, the world's largest provider of computer services, including storage and security, says it has looked really, really, really hard and still can't find the tapes that mysteriously fell out of a vehicle and vanished into thin air. But as long as there's nothing on them that's relevant to any lawsuits, chances are they'll probably be found at some point. On the other hand, if the tapes do contain information that might help an IBM lawsuit opponent, well, fuggedaboutit. Don't believe me? Ask the dudes at Compuware.

Operation Blog Bash swings into action

In case you missed it, the frigtards at Engadget yesterday ran a piece saying Leopard and the iPhone were going to be delayed. They based their story on what they thought was a leaked Apple memo. Turns out it was a hoax. But it wiped $4 billion off our market cap. Now some are calling for an S.E.C. investigation. Guilty party at Engadget is our good friend Ryan Block, boy toy of the luscious Veronica Belmont. I know what you're thinking. Was this one of those fake Apple leaks where we try to put a stick in some poor blogger's spokes? Would Apple really resort to something as evil as this? Would we really still harbor a grudge from months ago when Veronica Belmont ripped me and said the Toshiba Gigabeat was better than the iPod? And would we get back at her by trying to get her boyfriend fired from his job? Come on. You know we would.

Bloggers, hear me now: This is war. You beat us in court, so now we're resorting to Plan B. We're going to undermine your credibility. Frankly I can't understand why anyone believes anything they read on a blog in the first place.

Microsoft vows: Next we will fuck up your phone

See here. It's not enough that they've ruined personal computing for 95% of the world. Now Beastmaster Bill and his minions have created some intiative called "Fone+" in which they will find ways to bring their frigtarded PC software to cell phones. Money quote: "For Microsoft, the challenge is extending the PC platform into new applications and form factors."

Jesus wept.

Meanwhile the MicroTards are still looking for ways to make personal computers even more annoying. For example: "Finally, Mundie said that Microsoft is working on increasing speculative execution, where the PC tries to anticipate what the user will want, rather than sitting idle and passively waiting for input. One example of this is Vista's SuperFetch, which tries to "prelaunch" commonly used applications, Mundie said."

Speculative execution? Microsoft has been the master of that for years.

Novell, you're trying way too hard to be cool

And it just ain't working. I'm told this is Ron Hovsepian's admin who got forced into doing some guerrilla marketing at the WinHEC conference yesterday. Idea was to lure away Microsoft business partners and woo them to Linux. Didn't work. Meanwhile leading Novell hater Bruce Perens launched a counter demonstration, coating himself in chocolate sauce and whipped cream and saying, "There's nothing sweet about Novell!" He's still being held by local police.

Dell accused of bait and switch? Shocking!

See here. Dell is being sued in New York for consumer fraud. Charges include a variety of ways in which Dell allegedly promised one thing in advertisements and delivered another. Seems to be mostly about service plans and financing. The most hilarious bait and switch of course is this notion that you call up and they build your machine from scratch, custom-made, just the way you like it. Trust me, we've had meetings there. They build stuff in advance just like everybody else. Their telemarketers are trained to steer you to whatever they've got too much of out in the warehouse. "Well, I know you called up for that super deal on a laptop, and we can make you one of those if you want it [erm, not really] but let me tell you about this deal we have on a model with more memory. Are you going to be making movies? Storing photographs? Music? Browsing the web? Oh, well, you're really going to need more memory than that machine in the advertisement."

R.I.P., Jerry Falwell

Rest in peace, Jerry Falwell.
O hater of gays,
O supporter of segregation,
O denier of evolution, you
created the Moral Majority,
which as the old bumper sticker
said, was neither.
Friend of Anita Bryant
and George Wallace,
critic of Martin Luther King
and Desmond Tutu, you
had the courage to say out loud
what most bigots only whisper.
Jon Ive says you once claimed you
could leg-press two thousand pounds.
But I'm pretty sure that was
someone else.
Jon also says your bible college
has dinosaur bones which it claims
are three thousand years old when really
they are a trillion years old.
A small mistake, in the bigger
scheme of things. But Jon says
you also claim these dinosaurs
belonged to Adam and Eve, who
raised them as pets.
That one is tougher to swallow.
Jerry Falwell, I cannot call you
Reverend. I cannot
imagine a person with whom
I have less in common.
Except I've heard that
you once were hassled
by the SEC.
So there's one thing at least.
Oh, and you ran a cult.
That's two.

That super enthusiastic Sun Java gal strikes again

This time she's super excited about getting on a plane and flying to ... California! Gosh! For a big historic event! Right up there with VE Day. She even does her patented eye roll. Hey does anyone remember when Sun employed engineers?

Operation Wavecat strikes again

Our Windows Virus Creation Team (WVCT, or "wavecat") has really stung hard this time, with software that actually uses Microsoft's own security patch updates to infect computers. Brilliant! See here. The malware takes advantage of a Microsoft program called Background Intelligent Transfer Service (BITS). Money quote: "BITS is used by Microsoft to download security patches and updates to Windows machines. Because it is part of the operating system, it is able to bypass local firewalls while it downloads."

Bonuses this week for Dima Pizda and the rest of his team in the Apple Intelligence Information and Security unit.

Man, Harry Hamlin has really let himself go

It was bad enough when he looked like this. Now he's really hit the skids. Anyhoo, good news is he's going to have a show on ABC next season and he looks really happy about it. I'm just glad to see Harry working again. I was a huge fan of L.A. Law back in the day. And we both dated Ursula Andress. Small world, right?

Much love, Electronic Design magazine

We've been named the Best Employer of 2007 by Electronic Design, a magazine for people who design electronic items. See here.

Microsoft releases Math 3.0

Now students can get the answers wrong without using pencil and paper. Fantastic. See here.

Great prediction

"Boot Camp will begin the exodus from Mac to Windows." Thus spake USA Today tech columnist and resident CyberTard Andrew Kantor back in April 2006. See here. Yup, that exodus is just killing us. People are just streaming away from our reliable, well-built, easy-to-use Macs now that they've got the opportunity to run Vista. Andrew, we should have had you here on our marketing team years ago. Please get in touch. Meanwhile, a free Dell laptop is on the way.

Praise the Lord!

And pass the mescaline. There's one less Windows user in the world. We're gaining market share by attrition.

Gates claims 40m copies of Vista sold

See here. When I read this, in the Jobs Pod, just now, I wept into my miso soup.

Apple TV a dead-end?

That's what Forrester says. See this story about it. Money quote: "Apple's strategy is unsound ... because its eight-week-old Apple TV has been made obsolete almost as soon as it made market." Whatevs. Apple TV is just a stopgap measure. We've got much bigger things in the pipeline.

We are not going to start selling trees on iTunes. Or maybe we are.

This crazy dude from Norway says we should sell trees on iTunes. See here. Money quote:

An "Apple-tree" is an audio- and/or a video-file where (hopefully!) Al Gore will thank you for buying an "Apple-tree". He will then explain to you that by buying an "Apple-tree" you are actually buying endangered rainforests in the tropical belt around the world, which by itself is not enough to save the world but is an important contribution. Then he will give you a new tip with every purchase of an "Apple-tree", of what you can do yourself to give the earth the upper hand in the battle against oblivion. There are several enterprises today that are planting or protecting the rainforest, so Apple would mainly be the front-end marketing arm.

Honestly, even Bono couldn't dream up something this nuts.

Why doesn't Microsoft have a cult religion?

That's the question InformationWeek poses here. Writer points out that Macs have a cult. So does Linux. But Microsoft? No way. Money quote: "Does the largest software vendor in the world have people who are actually excited by its products and drive themselves into a frenzy when the latest version comes out?" That's a rhetorical question but feel free to send in some ideas about why Microsoft has no cult. My theory is it has something to do with sucky software. But that's just a wild guess.

Perhaps our best endorsement yet

A computer security expert explains why he and most of his colleagues use Macs -- even if they need to run Windows too. See here.

sometimes i feel like a hunted animal

sometimes i feel like a hunted animal,
blood sport for burrowing reporters,
a fugitive, nimble as kimble,
on the road like kerouac,
starving hysterical naked craving penguin dust,
dented but un-sussed,
running, hiding, a jungian
shadow man dwelling in caves,
like plato, seeking higher truth
yet hounded by attorneys, by feds, by SEC--
by journalists burned,
i turn nocturnal,
journey into the whirlwind--
my crimes invented
my options resented,
i earn no salary, i earn nothing
but scorn,
friends lie & squeal
my position reveal,
i am blamed, framed, valerie plamed--
tormented, tried, tonguetwisted
stalked and staked out,
so wired so weary so worn--
i want only to invent the future,
to restore childlike wonder.
i offer to settle, to pay.
i say
name your price
let's make a deal
spin the wheel
survey says--
we are gaining share
& i have more to share but there
is not much time. let me work again in peace.
let me live in daylight
while daylight remains. otherwise
we will all be stuck with windows
& nobody wants that.

Welcome, new readers.

Man our traffic is getting slammed today. It's crazy. No idea why. Anyway, to all you folks who are just tuning in: Welcome. Namaste. I honor the place where you and I become one. Please enjoy yourself. Scan the archives, flip through the Greatest Hits, sift through the labeled posts. Restore a sense of childlike wonder to your life by perusing Poetry Corner. Feel free to come back as often as you'd like. Much love. Peace out.

Buy a laptop, help fund a Linux Indy car

See here. For every laptop sold, this company is donating ten bucks to the Tux500 Linux Indy car effort. Which is no doubt why their total has now soared to $12,158.13, up from $12,003.34 on Friday. That's like 15.3 laptops in just three days. Question: Why the hell is the total amount raised not a round number? Is someone actually sending in pennies?

Yes we do have an iPhone Nano but this is not it

This photo has been floating around on Apple rumor blogs. Just FYI, it's not the real item. It's a Fake Product Prototype (FPP) based on one of our thousands of Fake Patent Applications (FPAs). Or maybe it isn't. Can't tell you.

Now Microsoft is copying the iPhone too

Check it out. The oFone. Like everything else from Redmond, it's totally lame.

We're gaining market share

Seen the latest? Our MacBooks are almost at 10% share. Desktop share is gaining too. More and more people are switching, and restoring a sense of childlike wonder to their lives. How about you? Ready to jump on the team and come on in for the big win?

Microsoft v. Linux: Great news for us

Also in Fortune see this story about the MicroTards threatening freetards with their patents. I love this. It's like seeing a fight break out at the Special Olympics. The two crappiest software development groups in the world are duking it out over who wrote this rat's nest of code that nobody in their right mind should want to use anyway. Folks, if you want a really hardcore crash-proof Unix-based (not "Unix-like") operating system, with a beautiful user interface, smooth integration with peripherals, and so forth -- it already exists. Little hint on how to find it. Go to your local mall. Look for the store with the big white apple in the window. As for you freetards and MicroTards: Please keep fighting and confusing customers and scaring the shit out of everyone. Please please please.

Coasting on our jet stream

Good story in Fortune (see here) about all the other companies that are going to make a killing off the iPhone. Like Broadcom and AT&T. Aren't we nice? Helping out those around us? Once again I must say, I think I deserve the Nobel Prize.

McNealy's X-Men alter ego: Linusaur

This came in from a reader in comment strings. Says our correspondent:

"Part goofy purple dinosaur, part penguin. Very combative. Starts out grey, turns purple by thinking of being wronged by Microsoft. Flies into a rage but then realizing penguins can't fly, gives away everything it owns and fights to win it back. Has already been revealed. Having suffered too many lost battles (note the injuries) - recently handed off control of Sun to the Ponysaurus."

Sun's amazing jPhone originality

Reader sent this in. It's really worth reading. The dude at Roughly Drafted says Sun's jPhone tech is like a sandwich store that only has a pickle, no sandwiches. Sad thing is that even when Scooter and MLP try to copy us they still churn out a butt-ugly version of what we're doing. See here.

James Gosling reveals secret X-Men alter ego

By day, Dr. James Gosling is a mild-mannered geek best known as the father of Java. But he's also, it turns out, an extreme mutant. Yesterday at a Java conference he scared the shit out of the audience by transforming himself on stage into his terrifying alter ego, LUZOR, a mutant whose secret super power is the ability to create deadly software programs that are intended to put Microsoft out of business but which always fail due to Sun's frigtarded marketing. Question: What is McNealy's secret mutant persona, and when will he reveal it?

Totally off topic

But what the heck. It's Friday afternoon and Jon Ive just sent me a link to this clip featuring a band called "Mini KISS." Free fake iMac to first person who can correctly identify which of these guys is Leander Kahney.

Jumpin' Steve Jobs

Not sure who did this or why people want it. But you can download an image of me and make it jump around in sync with music. Or something. Apparently everyone at Apple is using it. See here.

Our plan is working perfectly

So we get AT&T to leak a fake memo saying the iPhone will launch June 15. Frigtard bloggers pick it up and run it here. Not saying it's not true. Because maybe it is. Or maybe it isn't.

Linux Indy car organizer writes in

His name is Ken Starks aka Helios and you can see his full comment at the bottom of my last post about the Tux500 fundraising efforts here. Basically Ken says he's grateful to me for mentioning his efforts and he'll try to make the most of the free publicity. Money quote: "So let this comment serve as fair notice of my intentions. I fully intend to squeeze every pixel of matter out of your comments to our benefit. Time for gentlemanly behavior has past. My Alpha-Male is now in charge and how I hate him. None the less, he is driving now and he tells me this is perfect propaganda for our purpose."

To see a photo of the Alpha Male, go here. Warning: When you see him, you're going to want to use Linux.

Good news is that since my post yesterday the Tux500 effort has surged again, reaching $12,003.34, up from $11,927.88 only 24 hours ago. That's huge, people. We're gonna do this!

A genius piece on intellectual property

Who is this guy at CNET, Michael Kanellos? Never heard of him before but he's a friggin genius. See this piece on intellectual property, called "Why I love patents and copyrights." Extremely smart and yet achingly funny. Mad props, Michael Kanellos, whoever you are.

Could Vista be next?

Microsoft has come to its senses and killed its Portable Media Center operating system. Another step closer to having OS X dominate the world.

Motorola's iPhone killer

Pretty funny one here. The "Media Monster." Nice website about the iPhone, by the way. Much love.

Zowie I was on fire at the shareholder meeting

See all about it here. First I beat the snot out of some Teamster guy who's got a bug up his ass about the options. Then I kicked a few greentards in the teeth. Finally I got a shot in on Microsoft: "I wish developing great products was as easy as writing a check. If that was the case, Microsoft would have great products." Damn I'm hot.

More Forbes Org Chart Wiki fun

This time the target is the New York Times. See here.

The image we're trying to avoid

Look, I hate to say this because it sounds unkind but it's just a fact. Old people are not an attractive demographic. Most of them are on fixed incomes and don't like to spend money. Think about it. Of all the people you've ever known who had basic cable, or no cable at all, or who have a cell phone but "only for emergencies," or who still watch movies on a VCR instead of a DVD player, how many were elderly? Close to 100% right? Old people, it's not that we don't want you as customers. But we don't.

Watch out, elderly iPod users

Some 17-year-old high school kid in Okemos, Mich., has done a study that suggests iPods can interfere with your pacemaker and, I guess, cause you to have a heart attack. See here. Fact is we've known about this for quite some time. And we're happy about it. We even cranked up the voltage on our new models. Thing is, we really don't want old people using iPods. Ruins the image. Every time I see some elderly person wearing an iPod and power-walking at the mall I just want to scream. If we could find a way way to make iPods interfere with fat people we'd do that too. So far we can't come up with anything. Ideas, anyone?

Linux Indy car prototype

This just came in from a reader. Question: What are the chances Stallman will do to this car what he's doing to Linux itself -- ie, crash it into a wall?

Once again: You're welcome

We hit $108 today. You think that's hot? Wait till the iPhone arrives. Buy and hold, Apple faithful.

Oh no another bunch of lunatics is suing us

This time it's some crappo company that makes some kind of anti-piracy technology. They're suing us and Real and some others. See here. I'm not really up to speed on this as I'm spending all my time working on the script for my WWDC keynote. But I'm told these guys were about to go out of business and they've tossed up a Hail Mary pass. We'll toss it back as a hand grenade and see how they handle it.

If this video doesn't make you weep, then you have no heart

Here's Bob Moore, the founder of the Tux500 effort, explaining his harebrained idea for putting a Linux sponsored car in the Indy 500, which, um, I guess he figures will make more people want to use Linux. Money quote comes near the end: "Who are we? We are Linux. You and I. We are Linux. And we're going to put a car in the Indianapolis 500. It's time people know who we are. What better place is there to tell them?"

Well, I can think of a few better places. Like, a computer store? Or a newspaper advertisement? Web sites? No, sorry. You're right. Indy car makes sense. Huge crossover audience between the two camps.

New surge pushes Linux Indy car fund-raising close to $12,000

Amazing stuff. The Linux guys are starting to pick up some momentum in their quest to raise $350,000 and put a car in the Indy 500. In the days since my last post (see here) they've surged from $11,243.62 to $11,927.88. Haven't received my "Thank you" note from Bob Moore of Tux500 yet but I'd like to think I helped out. For a view of the overall effort, see the Tux500 website here. Can't you just see that lady from Sun rolling her eyes and exclaiming how amazing this is and how things are going so beautfully? Countdown has begun. They have eleven days left to raise the remaining $337,072.12. The suspense is killing me!

My man Colin just got whacked

Bad news for El Jobso. Colin Crawford just got shoved aside at PC World because he took a stand on behalf of journalistic integrity and spiked a story making fun of Apple. And that bastard Harry McCracken who dreamed up that ridiculous attack piece and got fired for it now has returned as editor in chief of PC World. See the whole sordid tale here. Well, it's ugly but true. Microsoft runs these trade pubs and there's nothing the rest of us can do about it. Bill Gates wants them to run attack pieces on Apple, and Harry McCracken apparently is glad to do his bidding. Along comes a guy like Colin Crawford with real integrity and honesty, trying to instill a sense of decency in the magazine, and what happens? He gets booted back to corporate. A sad day for anyone who values freedom of the press.

A screensaver with quotes from El Jobso

Much love to dear reader Toki-Chan who sent this in. You can download a screensaver of my best quotes. See here.

My God she gets worse

I have never in my life seen anyone so excited about the opportunity to go to New York. Lady, it's a city. Okay? That's it. You're not going to meet the Wizard of Oz or anything. You can leave your ruby slippers in Santa Clara. I'm just trying to imagine this gormless dame riding in a New York cab. Or the subway. Or just walking down the street. Or at Starbucks, ordering a coffee. Question: What medication is she on and where can I get some?

Sun, I weep for you

Why? Because you have people like this working for you and you give them titles like "Distinguished Marketing Director." And you let them make videos raving about how excited they are to be giving away Sun's intellectual property and to be getting a merit badge from Richard Stallman. For those of us who remember what a great company Sun once was, this video is painfully sad. Hello? Berkeley Software Distribution? Ever heard of it? Guy named Bill Joy? I feel gross putting Bill Joy's name in the same blog post as Richard Stallman.

Another thing: Even the Microtards have a rule about employees blogging and vlogging: "Don't be stupid." Take note, Sun.

I'm sorry but Sun is pathetic

So they have some Java conference and roll out some prototype phone that they're trying to say is like the iPhone. See here. Best part is McNealy, that brain-damaged goon, has his guy come up wearing a black T-shirt and then just in case the morons in the audience don't get the allusion he makes it explicit for them: "We have our own shirtsleeve version of Steve Jobs announcing a phone." Scott, I'm sure it'd be great if making another Steve Jobs was as easy as putting a black T-shirt on. But it ain't. And that's why your company is doomed. You want to draft on our hype? You want to clone our products? You want to make war on me? Fine. I will grind you under my heel.

Walt Mossberg as Cap'n Crunch, aka "Crunchberg"

From dear reader Faddah. See here.

Great article on our design

In the MIT Technology Review of all places. See here. Best part is they're giving credit where credit is due. Money quote: "To whatever degree Apple can be said to make products with a distinctive genetic code, they can also be said to have inherited most of their traits from a single parent: founder Steve Jobs."

And this one: "Jobs is a dictator, but with good taste. He is good and driven to the perfect experience. He doesn't want good design; he wants great design."

Much love, MIT Technology Review. Free (beautiful) machines are in the mail.

Crunch time

Speaking of WWDC, Friday marks the start of my one-month countdown period. We'll be doing twice-a-day rehearsals in the re-creation of the Moscone Center that we've built here on the Apple campus. I've already started working with Katarina, my couture consultant, to find a new supplier for mock turtlenecks. Meanwhile my colorist, Annalisa, has been put on notice that starting Friday she has to cancel all other appointments so that I can have her on call, 24/7, until June 11. Not that there's anything wrong. My beard is looking great. Just the right mix of salt and pepper. But I don't want anything weird happening between now and the show.

Anyway, with all this on my plate, I may have to slow down my blogging. Or not. I'll at least be checking that Forbes.com Org Chart Wiki to see if I've received any promotions or title changes. Peace out.

You are not going to believe Leopard

It's killing you to wait, right? It's killing me too. Believe me. I so wish I could just tell you everything. But that would ruin all the fun at the WWDC, right? What I can say is, folks in Redmond are going to be really, really unhappy. If you think Vista is getting a tepid response now, wait till the world sees what we're going to unveil. Oh, and yeah, there's new hardware coming too. Sorry. That's all I can say. My lips are sealed.

By the way, if you heard that rumor about us hiring a former Israeli general to head up our new Intelligence, Information and Security division, it's true. Bloggers beware. Use leaked information at your own risk. This time we ain't gonna be filing lawsuits.

Only 13 days left for Linux race car effort

And the poor guys are a little bit off the pace in their efforts to sponsor a team in the Indy 500. So far they've raised $11,243.62. They need $350,000. See their sad web site here. Worse yet, now they've got competition. Someone has started a rival web site trying to raise money to get a Vista-sponsored car into the Indy.

Guys, seriously, listen to me. You need to get a grip. Turn off the computer. Put down the family-size bag of potato chips. Put on clean underwear. If you don't have any clean underwear, do some laundry. Then get dressed and go outside. Talk to someone. Anyone. I know it's lonely out there. Go to an Apple store and look at the real computers. Our salespeople will hook you up. Go. Now. Please.

Eric Schmidt's new title at Apple: "Vagina."

Oh my God. Do this right away. Pull up another browser window and go to the Forbes website, www.forbes.com. Near top of page, select "Org Chart Wiki." Enter "Apple Inc." and you'll pull up our company's org chart. You can mouse over everyone's name and up pops a yellow box which has their their title, eg, I'm listed as "CEO," and Jerome B. York is listed as "director." Mouse over Eric Schmidt's name. He's listed as a "vagina." I just tried this and it works. I'm begging you, do this quickly, before they find it and fix it. Friggin priceless. Squirrel Boy, I swear I had nothing to do with this. But I wish I had. Nor did I have anything to do with listing Bill Campbell of Intuit as "Big Willy V. Campbell" with a title of "rapper." I swear.

UPDATE: This baby keeps changing. Squirrel Boy is gone. No doubt Google's goons erased it. So much for "radical transparency." But Big Willy V. Campbell is still there. And Al Gore is now listed as "Inventor of the Internet" and "Jesus H. Christ" is some kind of VP. To whoever is doing this: Nice work. But rest assured that our former Sayeret Matkal commandos will hunt you down and sue you. BTW I don't know why people are only picking on Apple. I just checked Sun's page -- no mention of My Little Pony or Scott "Brain Damage" McNealy. Same for Google's page -- no mention of squirrels. What gives?

UPDATE: It's 9 a.m. and I just came in from a T'ai Chi workout and checked the org chart wiki. Eric Schmidt is back on the Apple page and listed as a "vagina." And Fake Steve Jobs is on there too, listed as "VP of Misinformation." Sick.

They call me Mr. Integrity

So recently the staff at PC World got all in a kerfuffle and its editor actually quit because their new CEO Colin Crawford spiked an article called "10 Things We Hate About Apple." Colin is a former Macworld guy and has my bite marks on his rump to prove it. (Right next to the 666 left by my branding iron.) He sure knew better than to let these punks make fun of El Jobso. See my full report here. Well I'm glad to say that the folks at PC World have been brought to heel and have even written an article called "10 Things We Love About Apple" which I am pretty sure is not meant to be tongue-in-cheek or ironic or anything. Numero Six on their list is my very own wonderful CEO blog, and you guys are right, this is definitely one thing you should love about Apple. I'm just glad to see that my good friend Colin Crawford is instilling some real journalism ethics over there at PC World and teaching you folks about integrity and decency and honor and the importance of keeping advertisers happy. Keep up the good work, CC-Dawg.

Slow children crossing

Well there's a great new profile of Walt Mossberg, in the New Yorker no less. Supposedly he's pulling down $1 million a year. See here. Best parts are the descriptions of how people like Eric Schmidt and Donna Dubinsky "consult" with Walt and seek his valuable input. There's also a big section on how Walt loves Apple and hates Microsoft. Ballmer participated. I declined. Auletta begged me to talk to him. Instead I referred him to my blog, where I described how we deal with Walt. None of that made it into the story however.

My mistake

So Larry just sent me a note saying when he saw this headline he thought maybe the WWDC had happened early this year. Dick.

Computerworld, I hate you

So they made this list of Top 15 Geek Blogs and guess who isn't on it? Damn I'm pissed. Then again, this is Computerworld. The guys who do articles like, "Why Mainframes Still Matter," and "COBOL As A Career." Yeah. Okay. Now I feel better.

I'm working on a new signature

So I've been signing my name the same way for a long time. All lower case letters, a la e.e. cummings. But for various reasons I'm thinking I need something new. For one thing Jerry York says all lower case letters is an affectation. "Look, if you were in high school and going through a phase or something, fair enough, I could see it. But Steve you're 52 fucking years old, right? Time to grow up and start using capital letters."

Normally I wouldn't listen to anything Jerry York says but I'm in this period of deep reckoning, questioning everything about my life. This options stuff has struck a nerve deep inside me. Who am I? Where am I going? Why am I doing what I'm doing? Is this what I want to do? I'm spending lots of time on reflection and introspection. I'm reinventing myself. And to do that, I need a new signature.

I've been working on this since January, sometimes putting in grueling five-hour days, just signing and signing, using fountain pens, Bic pens, Mont Blanc pens, different color inks, different shades and grades of paper -- anything that could free up my creativity and help me harness my immense intellect to this task. I've covered the walls of my office with signatures, even covering up all the photos of myself, so I could just have all these hundreds of signatures around me and let them speak to me and tell me which one should win.

I've also asked Jon Ive and his team to come up with some ideas. They're pissed cause they're supposed to be working on new iMacs but look, first things first. So they're giving me lists of ten at a time, which I take to the Tassajara room and non-think about for several hours until I can choose an emergent design, which I tell them is shit but they should use as the starting point for the next round. Lately they've been dragging their heels.

Last week, to light a fire under Jon and his guys, I brought in this Japanese design firm, Kuso Sukatoro Associates. So far everything they've done is shit. What do I want? Something strong and bold, egotistical and arrogant and self-centered but also modest and humble. Minimalist. Less loopy than the current signature. I hate that "b" in jobs. It looks fat. Same for the lower case "s" in steve. And I don't like the slash over the j. Should be a dot. I don't know. I've tried a million things. I'm just racking my brains here. Back in March I was a hundred percent sure that I should go with just initials, and I worked up a zillion different models, like, SPJ, and SJ, before realizing I'd gone down another blind alley and that in fact I wanted to go with full words after all, and it was back to the drawing board.

Groan. I guess I'm obsessive. But at this point in my life I'm keenly aware of being judged by history. That's a very cool thing but also a huge burden, to think that every little thing I do is going to be judged and measured and remembered for centuries to come. It's something that all great artists must come to grip with after they've attained success. You become very self-conscious. It can be very daunting and even stifle your work. You have to find a way to be as free and daring and crazy as you were back in the early days when nobody knew who you were.

Anyhoo, like everything I do, I'm bringing huge amounts of effort and creativity to this signature project. I'm sure we'll come up with something really beautiful and perfect and it will just be the coolest and most amazing signature that anyone has ever had in the history of the world. But for now I'm in that part of the project where you just struggle and search and you're filled with self-doubt. Well, must go. Our Pilates instructor just arrived for the Sunday workout.

God I hope Murdoch buys the Journal

I'd love to see those right-wing hate mongers hoist by their own petard, taken over by someone who's even more right-wing and brutal than they are. Suddenly these bigshot free-market reporters who always talk tough about layoffs when it's GM or IBM now are running scared. Of course they say they're wringing their hands about the "quality of the paper" and "editorial integrity" but come on -- they're worried because they know the place is 30% overstaffed and the Bancrofts don't have the stomach for cuts. Murdoch, on the other hand, could squeeze a quarter between his butt cheeks and produce two dimes and a nickel plus a penny for his trouble. He's that good. For a great example of Journalistic hypocrisy see this pathetic whingeing letter in which a Journal reporter urges his colleagues to write to the owners and plead with them to reject Murdoch's offer -- "despite their opportunity to profit tremendously from accepting the offer." But wait a minute. Isn't profit good? Shouldn't the market be allowed to work? Isn't that what you a-holes are always telling us in your paper? Isn't that the rationale behind your attacks on me regarding backdating? That you're defending shareholders? But now Murdoch is offering a nearly 70% premium and you reporters are urging owners not to take it? Oh, Journal hacks, you are a bunch of frauds.

Who's yer da?

Amazing story. This is going to be in all the papers soon so I might as well break it here first. Bono has had a child with an African woman. She was trying to hit him up for support money and threatening to go to the press. There's no way to keep it under wraps forever so now Bono figures he'll try to spin it to his favor by making make a big deal of it and maybe going on Oprah. He called me today after emailing me photos (taken by The Edge, by the way) and he's all excited and shouting and having a big drunken party. Says he thinks the kid looks just like him. "Steve," he says, "didja get the pictures I sent ya? Isn't he sumfin? We're naming him Barry. Man oh man. I'm over the moon, Steve. I'm here with me little man right now and I'm tellin ya, he's dead fookin brilliant, mate." Then he starts crooning to the kid, "One love, one life," and the poor kid starts screaming crying. Note the proud grandmother in the background. The whole family will be moving to Dublin soon, I'm told. Mrs. Bono could not be reached for comment.

We have NOT given out any iPhones

So yeah, I'd really like to know who the hell this is and how she got this phone. Unless maybe it's all a joke. Valleywag claims they spotted some "13 year old boy" in a grocery store in Malibu taking pictures with an iPhone. I don't think this is the kid but if it is he's got the nicest rack I've ever seen on a 13-year-old boy. Anyhoo. Our Apple security squad is on the job. Ari and Moshe, two former Sayeret Matkal commandos, have been deployed to Malibu.

Sorry, PC World staffers

In case you missed it the editor of PC World just quit his job in protest because his boss spiked an unfunny story called "Ten Things We Hate About Apple." The boss, Colin Crawford, used to be CEO of MacWorld and he knows the deal with El Jobso -- no making fun of Apple or me personally. That's been our arrangement with MacWorld from the beginning. We get to see all stories before they're published; we make any changes we want; and we don't allow any jokes about Apple or Steve Jobs. Just how it's got to be. And folks at PC World? While you're out there having your big "journalism ethics" snit, try to remember for a minute where you're working. You work for a friggin computer magazine. Okay? Your job is to write up the latest Dell craptop and explain why it sucks compared to a MacBook. You're not Woodberg and Bernstein cracking open the Watergate scandal.

Apple faithful, I know what you're wondering. Did we have anything to do with this? You bet. We did it for you. Folks, when someone comes after our cult, we fight back. It's like I told Katie Cotton. I'm sorry but we're just not gonna sit around and take the abuse. We're just not.

Forbes, you just don't get it

They still can't understand that we're really serious about getting rid of DRM. Total skeptics. See here.

Well I'll be damned

The brownshirts running our government wouldn't let Joan Baez perform for soldiers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. See here. What are they afraid of? The truth? I must say, Joan is looking hot these days. I miss her sometimes. But I'd never admit it. Have I ever mentioned that "Diamonds and Rust" is actually about me?

Boo hoo, Shel Israel has to put his next book on hold

See here. Shel says he's "shelfing" [sic] his next book. Now the weeping can begin.

What happens when you build a company without owning any IP?

Well, if you're Kevin Rose of Digg, first you get on the cover of BusinessWeek, then you end up having to do whatever your frigtarded users tell you to do, even if they're telling you to break the law. You even have to grovel, as Kevin Rose does here. No doubt you know about this but in a nutshell some idiots posted some anti-encryption codes (they've put them on this site, too, in comment strings) and Digg took them down after getting legal threats. But now Digg has put them back because its users demanded it. And because, um, Digg doesn't really have anything other than these crazy users and they live in constant fear that the party will move on to some other place. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Digg is not a tech company. Neither are most of these Web 2.0 shops. Why people invest in them, I'll never know.

K-Ro's funny-sad money quote: "You’ve made it clear. You’d rather see Digg go down fighting than bow down to a bigger company. We hear you, and effective immediately we won’t delete stories or comments containing the code and will deal with whatever the consequences might be. If we lose, then what the hell, at least we died trying. Digg on. --Kevin."

I'm sure that's just what Digg's investors wanted to hear. Right? Poor bastards. For the record they are Greylock, Omidyar and some angels. No doubt they're happy to bankroll this experiment in free speech and kowtowing to crazy mobs. Best of all is that the Diggsters had a chance to sell out last year but chose to hang in for higher valuation. D'oh! Digg on, nitwits.

Someone is going to buy this and hang it in their home

And that scares me. Apple faithful, when you're building your shrine to Jobs Roshi, I prefer you use something a little nicer than this. But anyway. Get all the info you need right here.

More on Zander, sorry

It's just that I find this coup that's taking place at Motorola so instructive. Maybe because I'm facing one of my own at Apple. (More on that later.) But notice today that the Journal has a story in which Ed Zander supposedly gets to fire back at Carl Icahn. But notice how the Journal buries the Zander story on B10, and it's only seven paragraphs long, and only three of the paragraphs let Zander speak. In fact even in this story more space is given to letting Carl Icahn speak. In other words, scream if you want, Fast Eddie, but every time you do we're going to repeat all the crap that Carl Icahn has been saying about you -- you know, to provide "context." Ahem.

Five weeks till the WWDC

See our announcement here. The show runs June 11 to 15. Please, please, make sure you get a T-shirt to show your support. Tell your friends too. Check out our online store here. I highly recommend the "FSJ: NAMASTE" T-shirt in black or olive.

Also: We're looking for someone to design a "FREE STEVE" T-shirt along the lines of the FREE WINONA tees that were popular a few years ago. Graphic artist types, get in touch by email and we can collaborate.

Macs gaining shares overseas too

See here.

Walt Mossberg's assistant deals me dirty

Good old Katie, trying to make a name for herself. She says this new Sansa player blows away her iPod with a load of new features. "My iPod suddenly seemed old-fashioned," she writes. See her whole story here. Note to Apple PR: We need to get Ms. Boehret in for a hypnosis refresher session.

Microsoft v. Linux

So Ballmer has been going around taunting the Linu-tics by saying that Linux infringes on a bunch of Microsoft patents, but he won't say which ones. No doubt he's correct anyway since everything infringes on something these days. Anyway the Linu-tics claim it's all a lie or a conspiracy or something and so they defied Microsoft to come to a "Show Us the Code" event yesterday in San Francisco. I know about this only because the organizer started writing to me ("Dear Mr. Jobs") a couple weeks ago asking me if I would attend and lend my voice to their cause. Anyway, I checked in to see how it went. Response: "The meeting happened. Microsoft did not show. Surprisingly small crowd attended ..."

Really? A surprisingly small crowd attended? To something as compelling as a Microsoft-Linux "Show Us the Code" challenge? Wow. People really need to get their priorities straight.

Somehow I suspect that Bike Helmet Girl is involved in this

Last I knew she was working as a barista so who knows? Much love to the reader who sent in this tip. If you want to see the original, go to the flickr page here. For some background on Bike Helmet Girl, see here or check out the "Bike Helmet Girl" string under Labels. She's a huge fan. And a great dancer. And very, very attractive.

Vista more secure than OS X?

This must be a joke. Right? See here. Money quote from some researcher: "I have found the code quality, at least in terms of security, to be much better overall in Vista than Mac OS X 10.4." What can I say? I'm stunned.

So a corporate raider and a Wall Street Journal reporter walk into a bar ...

Wow, now here's something unexpected. Carl Icahn, the corporate raider and part-time standup comic (see photo) who didn't plant that nasty story about Ed Zander in the Wall Street Journal last Friday, today has taken out a full-page advertisement in the ... wait for it ... Wall Street Journal, criticizing Fast Eddie and citing some of the bad things in that article from last Friday which Carl Icahn, um, didn't have anything to do with. (I pointed out Carl Icahn's likely non-involvement here.)

Remarkable to see Carl Icahn, the real-life model for Gordon Gekko, springing into action when only a few days ago his position according the Journal was this: "Mr. Icahn says he will closely monitor Mr. Zander's performance and if the company is still struggling by the end of the year, the board should hold management accountable." I guess that Journal story was a real wake-up call for Carl Icahn, who, as I've pointed out, couldn't have had anything to do with setting up that story, since he wasn't even mentioned until the very last paragraph. Funny, there's also a story about Motorola in today's Journal by one of the writers who did the Motorola story last Friday. And today's story refers to the Carl Icahn advertisement that runs in today's Journal. Wow, Carl Icahn is really getting some bang for his buck.

It's really cool to see how an institution like the Wall Street Journal, with its reputation for integrity and independence and objectivity, refuses to collude with rich, powerful, influential people like Carl Icahn who would gladly feed them information on all sorts of companies in exchange for favors. Journal, this is your finest hour. You've declined to do Carl Icahn's dirty work. You've refused to help him manipulate stock prices. You've also taken the lead on this options backdating scandal, and you're helping to bring dangerous criminals like me to justice and distracting me so I can't make any new products. Bravo, Wall Street Journal. Hold your head up high, you paragons of virtue. Truly, you are making the world a better place.