Celebrity Mac chick sighting

I'm told his is Jennifer Aniston of "Friends," which remains one of my favorite television shows ever made. Much love to Macenstein for this fine bit of investigative paparazzoing.

Kids: OLPC sucks, wah!

Some hack at the Wall Street Journal bought an OLPC machine for his kids and guess what? The kids hated it and rejected it. Money quote: "The screen tended to jump around, games stalled while loading, video clips stuttered so much they were unwatchable." Yeah. Other than that, it's friggin great. Just ask David Pogue of the Times, who gave it a rave review. That screen! The mesh networking! Wow! Back in the real world, the kids dumped the OLPC machine and switched back to a 5-year-old Windows machine, which, um, did everything they wanted it to do. Great work, OLPC people. All of us in the industry are humbled by your innovations. We could learn so much from you. The Nobel is on its way.

News flash: Linux developer has sex, doesn't have to pay.

The freetard community is in a tizzy over this one. I suppose it was going to happen sooner or later as Linux became more mainstream. See the full story here. Steven J. Vaughan-Nichols is already cutting and pasting this story into something that will appear under his own byline.

Yes, we got pwned. This means nothing.

Much love to the thousands of Apple faithful who've flooded my inbox with messages about this "Pwn to Own" contest where the Mac was the first machine to fall, with the Vista box next and the Linux box apparently surviving unscathed. Okay. Fair enough. We got pwned. First of all the contest was totally rigged and unfair for all sorts of reasons which I won't even bother to go into here. The fact is that Macs are by far the safest, most bulletproof machines on the planet, and that's been proven over and over again.

Anyway I urge you to check out this story and see what kind of computers the winning hackers use, and where they're planning to spend their money. Money quote: "I like Macs. I use Macs for everything." And what will he do with his $10,000 prize money? He'll buy more Macs. "I think Apple will get a large chunk of that money."

Nuff said, right?

Hillary selling snacks to raise money for campaign

Not really. Actually this photo shows Hillary hanging out with the filthy hacks on her campaign jet and telling them how she's this really super-duper fan of the Rolling Stones. Apparently she was there at Altamont, working security with the Angels. At least that's how she remembers it.

Nice work, RIM

I must say this new Blackberry 9000 is one good-looking machine. But where have I seen it before? Oh yeah. Here. Funny but I figured the ex-Apple team at Palm would be the first out of the gate with an iPhone clone. Guess things are taking a little longer than they'd hoped. Or maybe Jon Rubinstein has been too busy poaching our talent. Suck on it, Ruby. Suck it hard.

By the way, I'm sorry about going AWOL

Peppermint high-colonic gone awry. I'll spare you the details. But it was a rough weekend, trust me.

Big news: Our brand is the best one on the planet

But you knew that already. See this story about a survey showing our brand is the "most inspiring" and "the one readers cannot live without." Borg's brand, meanwhile, was voted "the brand most readers wanted to argue with, and the one they most wanted to revamp." I'm not making that up. You suck, Microsoft. You eat my friggin shorts. But who would have imagined, back in the day, when Woz and I were making these things by hand in my garage, that we'd find ourselves here today? Well, actually, I imagined that. Seriously. I did.

Google's new business: helping spies

I suppose it had to happen eventually. See this story about Google not being evil by selling stuff to the CIA. What's next? Helping these guys sell crack to inner-city kids? Assassinating leftie politicians in Central America? Right on, Google. Keep that idealism burning bright. You are heroes to us all. And not at all hypocritical or full of shit. Not at all.

Dan Bricklin writing new spreadsheet for OLPC machine. Mitch Kapor already plotting to steal it.

Poor Bricklin. When exactly did his lose his mind? Can anyone pinpoint the exact date? Anyway, he's threatening to make a spreadsheet for the OLPC machine. No idea why. But anyway, VisiCalc lives, dude! As for the Mitchell Kapor part of the joke, well, if you were around back in those days, you'll get it.

David Blaine is a friend of mine and I don't think he deserves this kind of stuff

Look, it's easy to mock people like David Blaine who push the envelope. I know because I've faced this kind of stuff all my life too. FWIW, I met David a couple years ago and we've stayed in touch. He's an incredibly deep person. Way different than what you see on TV. Much love, D.B.

I've been approached about the Motorola job, and I'm flattered, but no thanks.

Actually I wasn't even flattered. I just said that to be polite. Somehow Alley Insider got wind of the talks and wrote it up. Bastards!

Why do Mac fangirls all look like this?

Yeah, yeah. There's iJustine. But let's be honest. You walk around the floor at Macworld and the few women who even show up mostly look and sound like this She-Woz. Sigh. It's always been this way. And it really pisses me off. I mean come on people. I mean even the Linux freetards are outgunning us. And that's just sad.

Borg: People really, really want us to fuck up their coffee tables, and we're committed to making that happen

See this Fortune article where Borgtards say consumers are just clamoring for that Surface coffee table and Microsoft is working night and day to bring out a product within the next three years. Headline says that means 2011 but the dudes at Fortune forgot to use Microsoft math. See, in Microsoft math, "three years from now" is 2018. That's for the fucked-up beta version. RTM happens in 2020, still with loads of bugs. SP1 for Surface ships in 2025 and by then Microsoft is owned by Google so the table comes pre-loaded with Google's useless productivity apps that nobody wants and tiny little text ads all around the edges. Or something. Photo above shows Ballmer deciding which tiny company to put out business. See, to obliterate the company I just touch the map, like this, and -- oh wait. That's Redmond. Er ...

Austrian hassle over iPhone

I don't read Austrian so can someone please translate this article and tell me what the frig is going on over there? I'm told there is some hassle because the emperor of Austria is using a hacked iPhone. Can someone please explain? Also can you tell me if the dude in the photo is the emperor or is he the one who is complaining about the emperor? And why is he wearing the Dr. Evil jacket? Can't these people just throw some shrimp on the barbie and all get along? I'm so confused, honestly.

Sad fanboy creams jeans while unboxing MacBook Pro

Movies like this make me wish I did something else for a living. Honestly, I had to go sit in my meditation room and cry for a while after watching this. Pathetic. Much love to Samreth in engineering for sharing this with me.

Book initiative update: I've put "Foucault's Pendulum" on hold

So as many of you know I received quite a bit of abuse recently after I said that the Amazon Kindle was a dumb product because nobody reads anymore. People started calling me an anti-intellectual. Which is crazy because I am a total intellectual. I mean I live in Palo Alto. Okay? Talk about the life of the mind. Anyway, I resolved to start reading a lot of big important books. Started with Foucault's Pendulum and got really frustrated by the very bad typeface. Nonetheless I pushed on. But, well, how do I put it? The book kind of sucks. No, let me correct that. The book is shit. It's unreadable. For a while I thought it was just me. But then I realized of course it's not me. I mean does that even make sense? Clearly the problem is the book. And I'm not just talking about the typeface. It's also the words themselves and the way they are arranged into sentences. And the story doesn't make any sense at all. At least not if you put it down for a few days and then come back to it because you can't remember who's who and you have to start all over. Oy vey. I give up.

Anyway. I've put the reading thing on hold for a while. Very busy finishing the v2 iPhone. But as soon as that's done I'm going to try something else. Maybe "War and Peace." Or "Crime and Punishment." More as this develops.

Use a Mac, be happy

No surprise to the Apple faithful but a new study shows business users who use OS X are significantly happier with their systems than users of XP or Vista. Please note: This was a survey of business dweebs. Not groovy home users and "I'm a Mac" type guys. Money quote from the dude who did the research: "Apple continues to set the standard for corporate customer satisfaction." Namaste, business losers. I honor the place where your drab, meaningless cubicle lives become one with my sleek, sophisticated inventions. Peace.

Bowing to international pressure, I have agreed to open talks with the Dalai Lama

Okay so I read the comments on my Dalai Lama post yesterday. You freaks get all sentimental over this stuff don't you? I mean it's okay to make fun of the pope, or Jerry Falwell, or Richard Stallman -- but man oh man don't you dare make a joke about the Dalai Lama. Anyway we were facing a situation internally here at Apple, where roughly 80% of employees are devout Buddhists. The freaks in marketing were circulating a petition calling for a work stoppage and a hunger-strike-slash-sit-in at the Infinite Loop campus. Design guys were threatening to join, and they were trying to get the engineers on board but couldn't find them because they were all out eating crabs and drinking beer and playing "target practice" on the new soap cakes with the Microsoft logos in the urinals at BJ's.

Anyway, we had a situation. Katie and Phil came in and said I had to act. So Katie wrote an open letter to the staff and put my name on it and we calmed things down. And now I'm going to talk to the Big D. and see what I can do to help him out. But like I told Katie, if the guy makes even a peep about us building iPods in sweatshops in China, I am going to hang up. I swear I'll do it. I mean I'm glad to help out and try to intervene with the Chinese authorities, and it's true I have some pull with those guys. But business is business. We need those sweatshops. Now I have to go meditate and do some non-thinking to prepare myself for the call. Peace out.

Benioff to succeed Ellison at Oracle?

That's what ZDNet's Tom Foremski thinks is going to happen. See here. I ran this by Larry last night and he says it's actually pretty possible, if not downright likely. He says Benioff is practically begging him to buy Salesforce.com. "He's done everything but come over here with his legs shaved, wearing high heels and a miniskirt," Larry says.

Naturally Larry is loving this. Meanwhile Chuck Phillips and Safra Catz are freaking the hell out. Larry is loving that, too. Nothing better than being able to pit people against each other and screw over people who've been immensely, foolishly loyal to you. I know this sounds twisted, but when you get to the point where you can buy any kind of pleasure you want, you need to look for more creative, twisted ways to get off. Betrayal always works. It's like that first sharp taste of cocaine hitting the inside of your nostril, then working its way down the back of your throat. Pure pleasure. Nothing like it. Not that I've ever used cocaine. But I've read about it.

Anyway. Go Larry. You evil genius you.

Tom Cruise makes dirty phone calls to Hillary at 3 a.m.

Warning: This is absolutely NSFW. Lots of dirty words. But it's funny. Enjoy.

Another Google defector to Facebook

This time it's the guy who ran their social networking stuff. Ouch. See here. Anyone want to recite Eric Schmidt's Serenity Prayer?

Big belly linked to dementia

I'm not making this up. It's from a new study. See here. Suddenly the GNU Manifesto makes sense to me.

Larry screws local schools out of millions of dollars. Go Larry!

See this story about Larry's latest triumphant victory over the forces of evil. Back story: Larry claimed the town of Woodside was charging him too much property tax on his 23-acre Zen palace estate. So he hired a bad-ass lawyer to make up some crazy theory about his assessment being too high, and he won. His theory? Yes, the estate cost $200 million to build, but its true worth is far less than that because nobody in their right mind wants to live in a reproduction of a 16th-century Japanese emperor's estate. So in fact the place has "limited appeal." Ahem.

Anyway the judge fell for this and now the town of Woodside will slash Larry's taxes by 60% from $1.9 million to $750,000. They'll also send him a refund for $3 million for the past few years when he was overcharged. Of course the town of Woodside is crying poor and saying how this is going to take money away from the schools. My feeling? Boo friggin hoo.

Look, I know what you're thinking. Why does a guy with so much money go to so much trouble to fight over a friggin tax bill that he could pay with spare change he found in his swim trunks? (If he wore swim trunks, which Larry does not. But I digress.)

Folks, it's not the money. It's the principle. Just because Larry is the fourth-richest guy in America, and the fourteenth-richest guy in the world, with a net worth of $26 billion, it doesn't mean he shouldn't fight tooth and nail to pay as little property tax as possible. I know this is difficult for ordinary frigtards to understand. But if you were a billionaire, like me and Larry, you would totally understand. Because the thing about being obscenely rich is that everyone around you is constantly taking advantage of you and trying to chisel you at every turn. The gardeners, the maids, the Bentley mechanic, the jet mechanic, the house manager -- they're constantly skinning you, and you get pretty damn sick of it. I swear it drives you nuts. It's probably the worst thing about being really rich.

So maybe the town of Woodside has to cancel yoga classes for the middle school, or serve sushi one day a week instead of five. Or fire a few teachers. Tough noogies, people. You'll survive. And now Larry can afford that new fighter jet he's been lusting after. Namaste, Larry. I honor the place where your beautiful inner self becomes not-one with the needs of local schoolchildren. You go, girl.

Obama girl strikes again

There's just a couple things about this girl that really strike me.

Motorola to split into two companies: One that sucks, another that sucks even more

See here. One will do handsets, the other will build wireless networks and enterprise business. I'll let you decide which one is the suckier one.

The Dalai Lama is bugging the shit out of me lately

Honestly, this guy kills me. See, we used to be really close friends, I mean like super tight, and he was totally stoked when we wanted to use him in our ads. Then ten years ago he got all pissed off because we pulled his image from ads we were running in Asia because we didn't want to piss off the Chinese. So then he stopped talking to me. He wouldn't meet with me or meditate with me or even take my calls and all his little helpers with their fucked up names like Tseten Samdup and Undep Tlitec and Tashihunpo Chokorghyei were going around talking smack about me.

Oh, but now it's different. See, now suddenly he's in some big pile of trouble and he's acting like none of that stuff ever happened and we're the best of friends -- and he's calling me twenty times a day saying, Oh, Steve Jobs, please come help me, I need your advice, tell me what to do, the Chinese are cracking down on Tibet and they're blaming me and I don't know anything about public relations and I need your help! Please, Steve, call me! I'm serious!

I don't even know how he got my iPhone number but now I've got to change it. Again. Honestly, this is worse than when Woz starts drunk-dialing me in the middle of the night, wanting to talk about product ideas. Or when Heidi Roizen drunk-dials me and begs me to do her. With the Dalai Lama it's worse because he gets so worked up. I mean he cries and stuff. It's really horrible. I save the voice mails and play them for people. Katie says I shouldn't do that. Phil Schiller, on the other hand, gets the humor.

And now he's on to this new thing where he's bombarding the switchboard and trying to get through to me that way and even pretending to be someone else, like Stan Shih of Acer. Then one time he claimed he was Larry Ellison. The receptionist was like, Dude, you don't even sound at all like Larry Ellison, are you serious? Anyway even if he does get through the switchboard Ja'Red has standing orders not to take his calls and to just keep saying I'm not available, I'm in a meeting, I'm traveling, I'm getting a high colonic, whatever.

Thing is, I really do feel bad about this shit that's going down in Tibet. But I don't see how I can help the dude out. Honestly. And he did blow me off for all those years and you know what? I do not forget shit like that.

One thing I'll say for him, though. He's a persistent little fucker. Really crafty. Very manipulative. Totally knows how to spot your weaknesses and emotional vulnerabilities, and then he preys on them.

Dalai Lama, I know you read this blog, so let me tell you this straight out: Stop calling me. I mean it.

Hillary in Bosnia: Action footage

Pretty funny stuff from Barely Political, part of Next New Networks. Much love, Internet TV dudes.

Brian Lam, you are sofa king cool

I have to admit I friggin hate Wired magazine for being so stupid and pretentious and phony, but in the latest edition -- the one with the "Apple is evil" cover; don't get me started -- there's this fantastic story about my main man, Brian Lam, who is perhaps the greatest journalist of his generation, and his wicked cool blog, Gizmodo. (That's Lam in the chair in the photo above, hanging out in his apartment, which doubles as Gizmodo headquarters.) You can read the article here.

Why do I love this guy? Because when Wired starts poking around and suggesting he and his reporters might be a bit, well, puerile, for doing things like blasting out displays at CES and calling Walt Mossberg "Grandpa" and losing Microsoft's advertising afer writing about "a bicycle outfitted with a dildo where the seat should be," you know how they respond? Guilty as charged, your honor.

These guys give new meaning to the term "filthy hacks." In fact they are dirty, nasty, irresponsible, mean, wise-ass little pricks -- "disruptive juvenile delinquents masquerading as reporters" in the words of one CES exhibitor -- and they rejoice in their bad-assery. Or as Wired puts it, "Gizmodo revels in cheap jokes and hedonism. Its writers regularly proclaim their love of alcohol, marijuana, and Jessica Alba."

You know what that does? That makes them dangerous. And dangerous people are more fun to watch. Think of Evel Knievel versus Dick Cavett.

Consider this description of Gizmodo's CES coverage: They put together an NSFW montage of their adventures at an adjoining adult video convention, complete with a paid "butt rub" and vibrating fake breasts. And they ran a snarky list of reasons why CES — a "vile clusterfuck of nerds, sluts, and suits" — foretold the end of civilization.

I love it. They make me all nostalgic for my own days as a dirty little scumbag hanging out with this psycho and doing bad things. You know what? I miss those days.

In a truly class move, Brian Lam's chief rival, Ryan Block of Engadget, wouldn't comment for the Wired piece, and told his writers not to comment either. Great job, Engadget. Try not to move around too much either, and then the sticks you keep up your asses won't hurt as much. Sniff sniff.

Borg threatens to make software for iPhone. I'll nuke their campus before I let this happen.

See this article from InformationWeek which references some Fortune article where some MicroTard says they're planning to do software for iPhone and adds, "The key question is, what is the value that we need to bring?"

Borg people, let me help you out on this. If you want to "bring value," then shut down your awful company and go do something else with your lives. Like, right now. Okay? That would be quite possibly the single greatest act of philanthropy in the history of mankind. I've recommended it to the Beastmaster for years now. He listens politely and then changes the subject.

Namaste, Jim Clark. She loves you for your mind. And your sense of humor. Keep telling yourself that.

Larry just sent me this hilarious article about elderly Jim Clark and his luscious 27-year-old swimsuit model girlfriend, who says: "I never thought I was going to date an older man when I first met him. To me, it was different to hang out with someone with something to say [shurely 'so much money' ed.] that was so interesting [rich?] and important and who was truly, incredibly intelligent [loaded?]. He's handsome [rich?] and has so much charisma [money?] - and he's so funny [rich?]."

Jim, for what it's worth, Larry and I wish you the best. Don't even think about wiping that stupid grin off your face. Who cares if she's ten years younger than your daughter? More power to you, you disgusting old perv.

Clive Crook, please put your head back into your ass

Okay, to be honest, I don't even know who he is, or if he's even a real guy or just a fake guy like Bing. But this stupid article in The Atlantic put me over the edge. He doesn't like the new dock in Leopard. He doesn't like the MacBook Air. So he writes a big huge column whining about it. What is it about Apple users that they have to go on and on about every little thing, good or bad, as if the whole world cares what they think about some product or feature?

Anyhoo. Here's my response. As for the new dock, well, you don't like it. Fair enough. You're entitled to your opinion. I, on the other hand, do like it. And as you may have noticed, I'm the one who runs Apple. My advice to you, Clive, would be just keep turning it off like you've been doing. Or if that's really such a super duper life-threatening hassle for you, just go back to Tiger. Problem solved.

On the MacBook Air, I respect your right to not appreciate this fine machine. My adivce? Just don't buy it. Bokay? It's not for everyone. We never said it was. Lots of people happen to love it. Including Karl Rove, who says it is "really cool." So there, Clive Crook. We square? Good. Now stick your head back up into your ass and get back to work. Frigtard.

Karl Rove raves about his iPhone. Ugh.

See here. The architect of evil says he loves Apple products. Regarding iPhone: I mean it is just shocking how much better, how much more productive I am. I no longer carry around a giant address book, if I don't have my calendar close at hand, I can quickly check it out of my-- I don't have to carry, I used to carry several notecards, now it's just as easy to scribble on my little notepad, I can take photographs and forward them on immediately, it's just remarkable.

Well I am just so glad that we have made Karl Rove productive. How wonderful is that? Now I must go meditate before I get physically ill. Much love to Matthias for the tip.

Doppelganger #2

Much love to dear reader Rich, who writes, "One is an insignificant minuscule little creature that no one pays attention to. The other is the star of the #1 movie in America." Namaste, Rich.

Doppelganger

Dear reader Jesse asks, "Has anyone noticed the striking resemblance between Sabretooth, the insane brain-damaged mutant supervillain with amazing healing powers and a penchant for crazy schemes and scams, and Richard Branson? Could they perhaps be related?"

Hacking for Jesus

Wow. Much love to dear reader John who informs me that the author of this book telling people how to make illegal applications for iPhone is also a crazy-ass born-again Christian. Why am I not surprised? Dude's name is John Zdziarski and that's his photo. Money quote: "The Bible teaches that it's God who gives us the ability to earn wealth, and I believe God wants more wealthy Christians out there to bankroll some of these ministries."

Groan.

John Mayer thinks he's so friggin cool

Check out this blog post where he describes what it's like to report a software problem to Apple. Oh, John, you're just so special. Seriously.

Latino midget Hillary

Words fail me. But enjoy it. Much love to Bob for the tip. And to freaky ass Gawker for publishing it first.

Holy crap, we're doing even better than I thought

Apparently our Mac sales were up 60% in February, and that's in terms of units. In dollars, we were up 66%. I've been so distracted by the Democratic primary and by this bad business in Tibet (more on that soon) that I hadn't even noticed. Wow. Truly we are en fuego.

Dear John Lilly of Mozilla: You are a craven, hypocritical vagina, and I hope you get crabs.

So it's like this. We're now using Software Update to force-feed Safari onto Windows machines alongside iTunes. Legal? Absolutely. Sneaky? Not really. But John Lilly, the dude who runs Mozilla (see smarmy photo above), has got a pile of sand in his man-crack and is blasting us big-time, saying our attack strategy "borders on malware distribution practices." Um, right. Safari is malware. Uh-huh. And the iPod is an assault rifle.

Goddammit! I friggin hate the way freetards always turn into little namby-pamby goody-two-shoes pussies whenever they face the least little bit of competition. Look. If you want the truth, check out John Paczkowski of AllThingsD, who dares to speak truth to power and dish the dirt about Mozilla's craven attempt to smear us as bad guys when really they're just scared of a little competition.

As Paczkowski points out, the real story here is that the Mozilla Foundation dresses itself up as a nonprofit but then runs a for-profit Mozilla Corp. that makes a frigload of money by sticking a Google search box in its browser. And now they're freaking out because now we're going to take some of their market share away. Capeesh? Follow the money, as Sartre once said. Another dude who's figured this out is Larry Dignan of ZDnet. See his piece here.

Of course John Lilly, the smarmy Mozilla boy, has responded by hassling these brave, truth-telling hacks and insisting that money has nothing to do with it and Mozilla isn't about making money it's about changing the world and planting flowers and getting Jerry's kids up out of those wheelchairs. Yeah. Right. You know what it means when someone says it's not about the money? It's about the money.

For a reality check, see this post on Valleywag about Mitchell Baker, the former head of Mozilla, making $500,000 a year for overseeing an army of freetard drones. Or see the original piece from the New York Times where Ms. Baker acknowledges the $500,000 but says it's peanuts. And, um, Mozilla isn't about the money. Really. See, cause they're different. They're all altruistic and shit. Finally, check out this very altruistic $80,000 BMW M5 with a MOZILLA license plate which may or may not be driven by Mitchell Baker or some other top Mozilla executive, according to Valleywag. I'm sure whoever drives this car will tell you that here in Silicon Valley an M5 isn't even that cool a car, and it's no big deal, because we're the good guys and we don't care about money and blah blah blah. Hoo boy. This stuff makes me madder than George Michael with an empty bag of crystal meth, as Ed Anger would say.

Much love, Alley Insider

Yeah. Thanks a lot for this post by Dan Frommer promoting this post by John Gruber promoting this book telling frigtards how to write apps for iPhone without our permission. Great. Just what we need. More idiots trying to work around our restrictions and write frigtarded apps for unlocked iPhones. With other frigtards writing books to help them. Thanks, Tim O'Reilly. Much love, Gruber and Frommer. Someday when you create a product that restores a sense of childlike wonder to the lives of millions of people, I'll make sure to come over and take a pee on it. Just to return the favor. Peace out.

This man is the president of our country

Honestly, it still boggles my mind when I realize this. And then it scares the shit out of me. Have fun with the photo, Cranktards.

UPDATE: Oops. Sorry. Posted this without the photo. Working drug-free this morning. Will run out and refresh supplies and be back badder than ever. Peace.

British spy service seeks Mac-based artworker

Um, Jason? Check out this job offer. The Brits need a Mac whiz to help make fake photographs of foreign leaders wearing lingerie and cavorting with rent boys. Or something.

I guess I misspoke. Or made a misstatement. Or something.

Yup, it turns out Hillary wasn't dodging sniper fire when she visited Bosnia. Nor did she negotiate the Anglo-Irish peace accord. Nor did she pass the Family Medical Leave Act or the SCHIP thing. Just joking, I guess. But she'll be ready on day one. Much love to Eric for the doppelganger.

Don't count out Al Gore just yet

Some still consider him a contender. Idea is, Obama and Hillary go into the convention in a dead heat. Stalemate gets broken by one of them partnering with Al. Unlikely? Yes. Impossible? I just called Al and he says "No comment."

Bing blows. There, I said it.

See this lame attempt at humor where he rips on a MacBook Air. Folks, forget about whether he's right or wrong about the MacBook Air, because frankly he's just wrong (and he pretty much admits it in his groveling apology disguised as a defense that he posted afterward) but that's not the point. The point is, can we just be honest for a moment and point out that this guy cannot write worth shit? I mean it's just not funny. Which brings me to the question that I've asked David Kirkpatrick and everyone else at Fortune every time I've met them for the past five years: Why the fuck is this guy still on the back page of Fortune? I mean it was funny, sort of, once, maybe, like back in the 1970s or something. But dudes, the world has moved on. Stanley Bing has become the Andy Rooney of the print world. Have you heard the one about the vice president who expensed his golf clubs? Or the guy who got promoted over some other guy and then they had to ride in the same elevator together? Ha! "How Fred Got His New Job," is the tantalizing back-pager in the latest issue. Before that it was "The Seven Ages of Business." Honestly, does anyone even read this shit? Katie says the guys at Fortune all know Bing sucks, and they're embarrassed by him, but what can they do?

Bing, you blow dead donkeys. There, I said it.

Maybe we should do the SP1A fix for Vista

Says here we're going to put out an SP1A service pack for Vista just because we're all so sick of watching Microsoft flail. Yes, it's a joke. But the weird thing is we've actually talked about this internally. I mean it's getting really awful watching the Microtards gasp and struggle like so many dying fish hauled up onto the shore. That and all their lying about how well everything is going. Man oh man. It's like the more they suck the more they have to brag. Just totally harshes my Zen. Mostly I try not to think about them, or to read anything about them. I recommend you do the same.

Caption contest

Fish. Barrel. Go. Much love, Brinke.

How we deal with patent trolls

Some dude at Barron's says we're headed for trouble since we're in the mobile phone business and we're going to get our happy ass sued into oblivion by all these patent trolls who have bits and pieces of mobile telephony technology under their control. But our good friend the ever-optimistic Henry Blodget says there's nothing to worry about, since we've got loads of money and can pay these bastards off forever and ever amen and never feel a pinch.

Also, don't forget. We've got Moshe. You hear me, trolls? Sue at your own risk.

Branson, Khosla, Musk, Page & Wales form superhero dream team

Just talked to Eric Schmidt and he says apparently this wild excursion to the Caribbean ended up involving lots more than just global warming. Eric says Larry Page came back with a report about forming a superhero "dream team" of Valley boys, under the leadership of Richard Branson, who are going to use their tremendous brain power and wealth to solve a bunch of the world's biggest problems. Global warming? Check. Figured it out in a weekend on a beach. What's next? Malaria. AIDS. Poverty. Oh, and then there's Iraq. Khosla is going to take the lead on that one.

Sure, none of these guys knows anything about biology, or medicine, or chemistry, or economics, or military strategy, or diplomacy, or history. But think about it. They don't know anything about climate science or meteorology, either, and they solved that one overnight -- after all the so-called "experts" spent years doing nothing and being unable to figure it out.

See, the thing people fail to recognize is that extremely rich Silicon Valley guys didn't get where they are by luck, or by having one narrow little skill. They got where they are because they possess exceptionally broad abilities. These are incredibly special, super-smart, ultra-high-IQ people who have had great success in one area and can easily replicate that success in any other area too.

Look at Andy Grove. Guy has no medical degree. No background in biology. But he is now the world's leading expert on prostate cancer and Parkinson's disease. And he is going to single-handedly reform our health care system and the pharmaceutical business by teaching them to imitate the computer and semiconductor industries. Why not?

In this new dream team you've got a guy who invented an online payment system, a guy who invented a search engine, a guy who invented an online encyclopedia, a guy who co-founded Sun Microsystems and a guy who runs an airline.

That, my friends, is some fearsome brainpower.

These guys are creative thinkers. Way outside the box. Do they lack experience in fields outside their own? Yes. And that lack of experience is precisely what gives them their edge over the so-called experts. Because guys like the dream team look at so-called "impossible" problems and because they have no training they don't know that they're impossible and so they just say, Right, let's just break this down into pieces and figure it out. And they solve them. Just like that.

I know this because I've spent my whole life among people like this, and in fact I'm one of them. I too have these superpowers. I too could solve any of these great world problems too, if I had the time or inclination. Hell, I could probably do it in less time than these guys, too. Who knows? Maybe I will.

For now I'm happy to just invest alongside these guys, and to say this: Namaste, dream team. I honor the place where my funding and your brilliance become one. Capitalism rocks.

Larry Page, friend of the environment

Worth noting in that Times article about rich twats windsurfing with bikini girls to save the planet (ie the previous item) was the presence of Larry Page of Google. Yes, his company's motto is "Don't be evil." And they make a lot of noise about renewable energy and hybrid cars and blah blah blah. (And yes they give me loads of shit for driving a powerful gas-guzzling Mercedes.)

So I was gratified to see this article in Harper's which describes the obscene amount of energy Google eats up with its data centers ("a new heavy industry, an energy glutton that is only growing hungrier") and the slick trickery that Google employed in Oregon so it could keep getting us taxpayers to pay part of their electric bills. The Bush administration wanted to privatize a utility. Google and a friendly congressman persuaded Bush not to do it so they could keep getting below-market-rate electricity -- ie, electricity subsidized by us, the taxpayers.

Starting to see the pattern here? We subsidize Google's electric bills so they can run their giant data centers. But those data centers cause global warming. So Google and the VCs create new companies to solve global warming. We subsidize those companies too. Google and the VCs get rich. We get a nice card at Christmas, and a free Gmail account. Right on, dudes. Don't be evil.

Richard Branson is full of shit. But you knew that.

So Branson and a bunch of other rich dipshits, including Larry Page, Vinod Khosla, Elon Musk (above, trying to look thoughtful), Jimmy Wales and Tony Blair flew off to some island to party with dancing girls and get massages and eat ridiculous food and put their pea brains together to talk about global warming. I really really want to make fun of these ridiculous twats, but they're kind of doing a good job of it all by themselves.

FWIW, yes, I was invited to attend this stupid event. I was like, Dudes, have you thought this through at all? I mean do you realize how ridiculous you're going to look when Andrew Ross Sorkin writes this up in the Times?

For example, Branson asks, "Do we really think the world is on fire?" Of course the other nitwits say yes, yes, yes, oh yes, the world is definitely on fire, a major catastrophe is right around the corner, oh my God, yes, it's terrible, fire everywhere, conflagration, the planet is melting -- and oh, Tony, could you be a dear and pass me that amazing tarte Tatin and just a smidge of that whipped cream? Lovely. And then let's do some more windsurfing and Jimmy can go bother the whores.

Never mind that we just had an incredibly cold winter in North America and huge record snowfalls across the continent. As Al Gore said to a bunch of us the other day, these record cold spells and record snowfalls are actually caused by global warming. To which Jerry York replied, "Jeez then I guess we better stop this global warming before we all fucking freeze to death, eh?"

Jerry, who's the ultimate global warming skeptic, offers the following thought experiment. Imagine that instead of global warming what we were facing was a giant asteroid the size of the moon hurtling straight for our planet, expected to make impact in, oh, about ten years. In other words, if you really believe that global warming is about to destroy the planet, why haven't you quit your job and moved to the top of a mountain somewhere to escape the rising ocean levels? Why aren't you stockpiling food? Why aren't you going door to door, telling everyone to run for their lives? Why aren't you doing something? (And no, building a $100,000 electric roadster doesn't count as doing something.)

Anyway, maybe the world really is getting warmer. Who knows. My point is that Branson and the boys aren't nearly as scared as they'd like you to believe. Look at the photo above. Do those guys look like people who believe the world is on the brink of an imminent catastrophe that will kill millions of people? I mean they don't look too scared or anything do they? Because we've all seen pictures of serious people doing serious things, right? Like the Yalta conference? Or the Cuban missile crisis? Or the Spanish Civil War? The Middle East peace process? The Anglo-Irish accord? That business in Bosnia a few years back? Ask yourself -- were any of these things settled by a bunch of not-very-serious businessmen prancing around on a Caribbean island?


Here's the thing. Everyone who's ever dealt with Richard Branson realizes that he's a complete con man, and his involvement in anything is a sure sign that it's a crock of shit. Honestly, no matter where you are, if Branson gets on board you know there's something profoundly wrong with the project. It's the business equivalent of finding out that some movie has Donald Sutherland in it.

Truth is, Goldilocks does not really believe the world is about to burst into flames. What he does believe is that the global warming "crisis" is the next big way to make money off hype and fear. It's the Y2K scam all over again. Truth is, the photo above and the ones on the linked page show a bunch of lucky rich bastards scheming to get even more rich. I'm telling you this because I've talked to these guys. I've been invited to invest in these funds. And I've done it. Why not? If the ducks are quacking, as they say.

Every VC in the Valley has a hard-on for greentech because it's the first market they've ever seen where they can mitigate their risk by laying it off onto governments (ie taxpayers). The trick is to spread lots of hype and put pressure on governments (hence Kleiner hires Al Gore) so that governments will provide subsidies to keep these venture-funded startups alive until they can be flogged off onto the public markets. They'll sell these stocks to dentists and they'll use the same pitch that Toyota uses on the Prius -- sure it's overpriced, but think how good you'll feel. These will be IPOs as a form of therapy, and the Birkenstock-wearing suckers will sing Kumbaya and talk about how capitalism is saving the world.

The great thing about this approach is not simply that it will let obscenely rich scammers get even more obscenely rich off the backs of taxpayers and suckers in the public markets, but that it also will enable these rich assholes to feel really good about themselves while they're doing it. They can run around feeling sanctimonious about doing something meaningful with their lives. They also can feel a little less weird and guilty about having so much money.

Because believe me, almost everyone who has more than a billion dollars feels really weird and guilty about the money. (Larry Ellison and I are rare exceptions.) Rich dudes always need some kind of weird hobby (ballooning; mountain-climbing; building $100,000 electric sports cars; going into outer space with the Russians) and some kind of meaningful cause. If that cause gets you lots of good press and also involves flying your jet to exotic islands and partying with hired dancing girls in bikinis, so much the better.

Barney Frank wants to legalize marijuana. I want him to be vice president.

I've always liked Barney Frank but I'm starting to like this guy even more, after seeing this. Though after seeing Bill Richardson in his new beard I'd be willing to bet that he too might be on the side of the sweet leaf. Anyway, rock on, Barney Frank! As for what constitutes a "small amount," I'm thinking anything under a pound should be penalty-free. Now I must go fire up. Peace out.

More good news for OLPC

The guy who did all their security stuff just quit and is bitching about the way the organization is headed. Great work all around. Really. Start lining up the Nobel prizes.

Dear Al: Grow a pair and endorse Obama already

Dear Al:
You know I love and respect you. You know I'm your friend. You know I urged you to run for president and that I still believe you would be a tremendous leader for our country. You also know that I've always told you, in the spirit of complete honesty and respect, that I think you're often too cautious for your own good and would do better to let loose once in a while and just say what you think and not worry about what the fallout might be. In other words, you're kind of a pussy, Al. There. I said it. And you know what? I feel better now.

I know it seems unkind for me to say stuff like this to you, but the fact is you need to hear this. Because somehow, despite your extreme pussitude, you've managed to find yourself in an important position in the political life of our country. Basically, right now, the outcome of this Democratic primary hangs in your hands. I know you know this, because we've talked about it. I also know that you get off on this and it makes you feel powerful and you get a little feeling of revenge on all the assholes who wouldn't support you when you were running for president and now are desperately turning to you to settle this mess. And yes, the only way for you to feel powerful is to hold back and keep quiet and make everybody keep crawling to you and begging, and once you make your endorsement nobody will pay any attention to you and you don't want that to happen. Because you love the attention. You feed on it. You need it. You crave it. You get off on it. It's like a drug. You grew up never getting enough of it from your daddy and now there's this great big hole in your heart that you can't ever fill no matter how much attention you get.

Okay, so you're kind of a sick fuck. Fair enough. I get that. And you like messing with all those people who screwed you over when you were running for office. Trust me, I understand revenge. I understand it a lot.

But look. It's time to stop being a vagina. It's time to act. It's time to step up and endorse Obama and put a stake in the black shriveled heart of this crazy bitch Hillary. I know you want to do it. I know you hate her. I know you're maybe a little bit ambivalent about Barry and heck, let's face it, we all are, but we all also know just how unbearable life will be if the she-devil gets into the White House. And really, how bad could Obama possibly be, right? I mean he's smart, he looks good, he gives a good speech. He'll be fine. So what the frig is holding you back?

Al, this ridiculous charade has dragged on long enough. She can't win, but she won't quit. She's like some suicide case who gets out on the ledge but then won't jump, even though the entire Democratic party is gathered down below taunting her and chanting, Jump, jump, jump. She needs to be pushed. So step out there on the ledge and just do it already. I know what you're thinking. What if you endorse Obama and then somehow Hillary wins and your life becomes a world of shit? You have to believe me, Al, that this will not happen. In any case, no matter what happens, the Clintstones can't hurt you. No matter what Hillary has said to you about strange hunting accidents, trust me, it's all just talk. Really. We square on this? Great. Tell Tipper I said hi and we'll see you guys for dinner next weekend.

Facebook = FuckedBook?

That's what the Economist claims here. Money quote is the subhead right up top: "Social networking will become a ubiquitous feature of online life. That does not mean it is a business." Economist likens Facebook to email -- a great thing but not a big money maker. Shockingly, renowned bubble blower Henry Blodget says he's more optimistic about Facebook's chances. (Which, if memory serves me, means that Blodget is actually deeply pessimistic about Facebook and is telling his friends they should run away from this POS as fast as they can.)

Think of me, and become more creative

Seriously, that's all it takes, according to some study where they had people look at an Apple logo and then an IBM logo to see which one made them more creative.

Another trick that I highly recommend: Spend a few minutes each day just gazing at your favorite 8-by-10 photograph of me and imagining how cool it would be if you could actually be me. Trust me, no matter how cool you might imagine it would be, in fact it's even cooler. A lot cooler.

More raves for Vista

The SP1 release is messing up people's computers. I love it. Namaste, Beastmaster. I honor the place where the rage of your customers becomes one with their desire to switch to my operating system. Much love. Now I must go light a candle for Jim Allchin.

Barack Obama-sistible

Bit of trivia. I believe the guy singing this song is also the creative genius behind Tiny Hands, a heartwarming set of short films about a man overcoming adversity.

If Hillary is elected

Talk about cocky. The Clintstones have already had Hillary's plane painted up. Much love to Brinke for the spy photograph.

Stop bitching about the SDK program

See here. Apparently it's not enough that we're doing an SDK for iPhone. Now people are pissed because we won't let just anyone and their brother join. Egads. Look. We're not a democracy here. We're not even a meritocracy. We're a Steve-ocracy. Which means you only get to make apps for iPhone if I say so. Got a problem with that, too bad. Go write for Android. Or OpenMoko. They let anyone in.

Oh, and to those of you who have decided to take the extreme measure of writing to me directly and pleading your case, usually by pointing out your long history of working with Apple and using Apple products and spending huge amounts of money with us -- let me make this perfectly clear. Anyone who does this immediately gets sent to the bottom of the pile. Bokay? We clear? Peace.

Gil Amelio screws the pooch, with an assist from Woz and Ellen Hancock

See here. Gil and Woz and Ellen Hancock started some investment company and raised millions. Then they pissed all the money away. Question: Why is anyone surprised? And yes, that photo does show Gil trying to perform a prostate exam on my precious logo. Since then however he's spent most of his time with that finger up his own ass.

Define "lame"

Oh, I don't know. Um, maybe having Ryan Seacrest awkwardly plug your product on American Idol? This clip makes me sick. How did this happen? This is something Dell would do. Or Microsoft. Not Apple. Do you hear me? Not. Apple. Seriously, when I find out who did this I am so going to get medieval on their ass. Jesus, people! Think, would you? American friggin Idol? Goddammit. I have to go meditate and non-think about this for a while.

Scoble accuses me of lying, but admits he has no proof

Forgive me but isn't this stupid fuck one of the big-mouth bloggers who's always quick to jump on people for running rumors without proof? You know -- those holier-than-thou bloggers who are always jumping on the morons in the MSM and criticizing them for violating some sacred rule of journalism?

So imagine my surprise to see Scoble running an article where he says that a little bird told him that Flash runs fine on iPhone and I'm lying about why we don't use it. That's right. He accuses. Me. Of. Lying. See here. Money quote is his outrageously stupid first sentence: "I have not substantiated this with anyone at either Adobe or Apple, so might turn out to be totally false."

Excuse me, I just choked on my mango smoothie. Especially because I seem to remember Scoble squealing like a pig when I ran a rumor about him leaving his job at Podtech. Even though that rumor, um, turned out to be true.

Martha Stewart raves about MacBook Air. I just threw up in my mouth.

Seriously. She even has photos. Can someone please tell me that this Martha blog is a fake?

I got your open social right here, baby

Well it's Spring Break month at Google and the hard-working kids are getting a little wild and blowing off some steam. Come Monday, however, they'll all be back to their grueling four-day work week. Much love to our deep source at Google for sending this picture of product manager Pete Hovno doing the wild thing.

Wired says we're evil. My response? Guilty as charged, your honor.

See their big thoughtful piece here. Um, Wired dudes? I think it's nice that you want to help Leander Kahney tout his new book about Apple by giving him a cover story. That's nice. It really is. And it's only fair since you used last month's mag to pimp Chris Anderson's awful new book. But this business of trolling for traffic by bashing Apple is getting kind of old, isn't it? I mean even Dvorak has more or less stopped doing it. Anyway, good luck to you guys. Yes, we're evil. We're proprietary. We're secretive. We're mean to our employees. Guess what? We're also winning. So siooma, whiners.

To put it another way -- if openness and transparency and kindness are the keys to success, where's the open source iTunes killer? Huh? If it's such a great model, why the fuck can't these freetards manage to do a knock-off of iTunes?

Brad Grey gets dragged into court and I'm not touching this one with a ten-foot pole

Says here that my good friend Brad Grey of Paramount may have to testify in the Anthony Pellicano wiretapping trial. As some of you may recall, I have my own history with Brad Grey and to be honest the guy scares the shit out of me. All I can say is that I know Brad Grey to be a person of great integrity, and an honest, reputable businessman who adheres to the highest ethical standards. That's all I've got to say. Unless you've got a subpoena. Peace out.

Regarding this subscription music service

You've probably seen stories like this one in BusinessWeek claiming we're trying to roll out a subscription music plan. Or this one from the Financial Times. The fact is it's a great idea, at least for some people. And every study shows there's an appetite for this kind of thing. But until we have it rolled out I'm going to keep saying it's shit and that nobody wants it. And if you really want to know why we don't have it, it's not for lack of trying on our part. It's the record labels. In case you hadn't noticd, those guys friggin hate us. I mean hate us. Like, a lot. And they're working overtime trying to weaken us by propping up new distrributors like Nokia. To do that, they'll create innovative new plans and then feed those to the "ABA" (Anybody But Apple) companies. They're praying that one of these moronic outfits actually gains some traction. Frankly I don't see it happening. Simple reason. It's hard to make a good music player. It's hard to make good software for managing music. It's hard to make a good online music store. And it's really, really hard to make all those things work together in a seamless, holistic experience. The record labels don't seem to understand this. They never have. They think what we've done is trivial and can be easily replicated. It's not, and it can't. But whatever, record label dudes. Keep pissing into the wind. We'll still be here when you get tired of having pee all over your face.

Clamshell iPhone? I don't think so.

But it's nice to imagine. I guess.

I've heard there's something bad going on with the economy

Have you heard about this? Apparently some bank in New York almost went under over the weekend and the government had to buy it and fill it back up with money. Or something. I'm no economist but I gotta say this does not sound good. And while I don't actually pay taxes, thanks to a complicated scheme for which my accountant assures me I can never be successfully prosecuted, I still don't like the idea of using taxpayer money to bail out greedy frigtarded banks that ran up huge profits selling frigtarded loans to greedy frigtarded losers. Frankly, folks, if I were paying taxes, as I'm sure many of you are, I'd be friggin furious. What the hell is going on here? Frigtards, listen up. Don't buy shit that you can't afford. Okay? it's called self-control. Have you heard of it?

Peter Oppenheimer says I should just STFU since many of those frigtards who took out these dumb-ass ARM home equity loans used the money they raised to buy expensive computers like the ones we make. In fact, Peter estimates 30% of our business over the past 2 years can be tied, directly or indirectly, to the crazy home lending spree and the easy cash which came springing from those ridiculously overpriced houses like oil from the Texas mud. Peter also says we should be all in favor of the government bail-out since it will presumably allow frigtards to keep spending money they don't have. Peter says the rebate money getting dished out in the economic stimulus package is going to flow straight into our stores. We're even working up an ad campaign about it. Al Gore is trying to get the feds to put an Apple flyer right in the envelope with the check from the government. Stimulate away, Washington asshats.

So, um, please ignore my opening statement. Borrow all you can, people. See you at the Apple store.

Great news. Our ads are destroying the Borg's brand image

That anyway is what some new study claims. Microsoft's brand rating has plummeted in the past year. Well, I find that very gratifying. But frankly I think Vista has had more to do with ruining Microsoft's image than anything we could do.

I'm battling some Wired dude in an online debate

See here. Leander Kahney and I engage in a little bit of "Jane you ignorant slut" debate about Apple. Naturally he's all critical of Apple and a total hater. I try to smack some sense into him but I'm not sure if it's working. At last glance I seem to be beating the hell out of him in terms of votes but look it couldn't hurt to go add a few hundred thousand more votes in my column just to show these punks at Wired that the Apple faithful are sick of getting pushed around. It's all part of some big package of stories in which Wired is trying to argue that Apple is evil. See this item from Gizmodo touting the thing. Frankly I think it's really unfair; I think we're the least evil company in the world. Have you seen our ads? They've got Gandhi in them. Okay? Friggin Gandhi. I guess in today's world that just doesn't mean as much as it used to. Sad.

The real story: Charlie Rose attacked by Andrea Jung

No doubt by now you've heard the official cover story about how Charlie Rose stepped in a pothole and fell on his face in order to save his precious Macbook Air. Please. Truth is he's yet another victim of Andrea Jung, our newest board member, who's been kicking the crap out of people at Apple (see here and here) and apparently does this all the time at Avon and elsewhere. True story? Andrea was supposed to sit down with Charlie for an interview. She'd insisted on a bunch of ground rules, first one being "No questions about Andrea assaulting people." So before the taping Charlie goes into the green room, says hello, and then says, "I hope you're not going to hit me today." Thinking this is some kind of joke, like some kind of ice-breaker. He'd barely got the words out when bam! She clocked him and stomped out. Sorry, Charlie. But you can't say you weren't warned.

Some British soccer team uses Macs and everyone wants me to know

Man oh man. I can't tell you how many Brits have sent over this photo of some coaches (shurely "ex-convicts"? ed.) from some soccer team in Wales using Macs which apparently are credited with helping them beat the French in some "Six Nations Rugby Championship." Whatever. I've never understood any of these weird sports. Why, for example, can't they just call it "soccer" like everyone else? And where in England is Wales? Anyhoo, congratulations dudes from Wales football team. Namaste. I honor the place where my computers and your mindless, graceless headbanging sport become one.

Can someone please explain to me what this March Madness craze is all about?

It's basketball, right? Is that it? But what, exactly, is the big deal? We're getting feedback from the retail shrines about people trying to rearrange their work hours. What is up with this? Can someone please tell me?

iPods in space

Everybody is all worked up because they saw an iPod being transported onto the Space Shuttle. See here. In fact we've been working very closely with NASA for the past few years trying to help them improve their image and seem more hip. Lot of people don't know that. Much love, NASA. You've been a great business partner. Still hoping you'll ditch the BlackBerries and adopt iPhone as an enterprise standard.

Rush Limbaugh blames us for his own incompetence

And yet we pretended to help him anyway. See this clip from the Times. Rush was having "problems" with his email and appealed to us and so we "assigned an engineer" to Rush. Well, that's the official story. Truth is the frigtard simply didn't know how to use his mail program. We let him save face by telling him there was some kind of problem with the "null mail folder" and we made up some other terms that sounded kind of techie. Whatevs. Good news is we also planted some stuff in there so we can read his personal mail and search for references to drugs and women. Should be digging up some choice nuggets soon for our pals at DailyKos and the Obama campaign. My first plan was to install a tiny spraygun in the iSight hole and use it to mist Rush with anthrax or nerve gas. It's similar to the one we use on Goatberg and Pogue to send out their daily hypno-beams. Moshe had a prototype working but we decided to hold off for now.

Google talking smack about iPhone. Translation: They're scared shitless

See this clip for an example but the story has been spreading all over the place about some mid-level dork at Google saying Android is going to kick the shit out of iPhone and have much wider adoption and already can do things today that you can't do with iPhone. Oh really? Let me point out some things you can do with iPhone today that you can't do with Android -- like, um, I don't know. Make a phone call. Or even hold it in your hand. See, that's because iPhone is an actual product that exists in the three-dimensional world, and not just a bunch of specs and press releases.

To all of the good folks who have sent me various links to this ridiculous Google smack talk, let me first say thank you. And namaste. I honor the place where your concern and my profit margins become one. But be assured that you can relax, because there's nothing to worry about. Little rule of thumb in the Valley is that when a company starts talking smack about the other guy, it's a sure sign that they know they're fucked.

To all my friends at Google, look -- don't worry. If Android doesn't work out you've still got all those other new initiatives to fall back on. Like the energy thing. And Google Transit. And Google Ride Finder. And the robots on the moon prize. One of those is bound to take off in a huge way. Okay. Meeting over. Back to the white boards, kids! See you at the smoothie bar!

Wipe your ass with Vista. Everyone at Apple does.

We've ordered a thousand cases of this Vista toilet paper from Japan and will be stocking all buildings on campus with it. Talk about an infinite loop. Much love to Ryan Block of Engadget. And to John K. for the tip.

I sympathize with Heather Mills

She squeezed a $50 million settlement out of Sir Paul today and then came outside and started ranting on the courthouse steps. You know what? I feel for her. Because I've been sitting across a table from this bastard myself for longer than I care to admit. And let me tell you, he is the dirtiest, sneakiest, cheapest, tightest, meanest prick I've ever dealt with. Worse than Michael Eisner. And that's saying something. All you need is love? Ha! I mean you should see the terms he's trying to squeeze out of us. And the attitude! He's like, "I've made my money, mate. I don't need you. You need me. You're just some chap with a record store, mate. Remember that."

Anyway I shouldn't get into this right now. Someday we're going to agree on something and I'm going to have to get up on a stage with him and smile and pretend I like him. So best to keep quiet for now. Peace out.

Saturday groan

Words fail me. Go Obama.

Gail Collins declares her stupidity

The big-time columnist for the New York Times declares today that she feels utterly hoodwinked by Eliot Spitzer. "I thought electing Eliot Spitzer governor of New York was a really good idea," she says. Claims she had no inkling that he might be a bit of a whack job and saw him as a "feisty clean-up-the-government candidate with years and years of experience putting the bad guys in jail."

Lady, you must be joking. Anyone with half a brain watching Spitzer in action as Attorney General knew that the guy was a dangerous, narcisstic, power-mad egomaniac willing to ruin innocent people to further his political career. But somehow this eluded the incredible intelligence of Gail Collins. Then again, Ms. Collins also seems to think Hillary would make a great president. She isn't put off by the race-baiting, the lying, the exaggerated claims about bringing peace to Bosnia and Northern Ireland. Nope. Great judge of character, that Ms. Collins.

As for Spitzer, well, I have to admit, the rent-a-date was pretty hot and maybe even worth four grand a date. FWIW, Larry, who knows about such things, says four grand is the "very low end of the high end" and he's surprised that Spitzer, who has plenty of money, wasn't aiming higher. He says for twenty grand a night you get (a) much hotter girls; and (b) total security and identity protection, stuff even the CIA can't crack. "It's like anything," he says. "You get what you pay for."

Wal-Mart yanks Linux PC, cites lack of childlike wonder

See this story in InformationWeek (the #1 source for tech news of all kinds) saying that even the cheap dumb fucks who buy computers at Wal-Mart have enough of a clue to avoid the gPC machine from Everex. Naturally the freetard writing the article says he can't understand why this has happened, though he concedes that (a) the gPC runs gOS which won't run Windows apps and Wal-Tards might get the thing home and find that out and be a bit disappointed and return it; and (b) the gPC machine shipped without a monitor, which apparently confuses Wal-Tards who get home and turn it on and then call tech support asking why can't they see anything; and (c) the gPC machine mostly shipped with Web apps, but those require a high-speed Internet connection and, um, the cheapskate n00bs and Wal-Tards who are drawn to a $200 computer don't generally spend $50 a month on cable modem or DSL service and they generally haven't heard of "cloud computing" and the "Google-centric computing experience." Guess nobody thought of that.

Nonetheless freetard hack boy says, "I don't think this is the end of the road for retail Linux PCs -- not by a long shot," though he concedes that "selling Linux to the masses is going to require more than just a low price tag -- since, when you get down to it, Linux already has that."

Um, yeah. Put it this way. When you're giving something away free, and people still don't want it, and in fact would rather spend money on something else, you've got a problem.

Nonetheless, I expect that soon the extreme freetards at Groklaw will suggest a Microsoft conspiracy. Like, um, after doing some heavy-duty investigative work it turns out that some mid-level executive who joined Wal-Mart last month is the same guy who back in the 1980s worked at an investment bank that managed money for a prince from Saudi Arabia and strangely enough records show that in 2003 Bill Gates visited Saudi Arabia and met with a cousin of that very same prince and they talked about creating a company to bring more tech to the Middle East. Pretty easy to connect the dots, right? Soon, Steven J. Vaughan-Cut-and-Paste of eWeek will pick up the meme and after repeating it once or twice will shorten it to "the well-known close ties between Microsoft and Wal-Mart, which led to Wal-Mart removing all Linux machines from its stores."

Or maybe the Wal-Tards just didn't want to buy them. Nah. Couldn't be.

Why do people keep telling us what products they'd like us to make?

Honestly, people. If we wanted your ideas we'd hire you. It's ridiculous. That's not where we get our ideas. Yet people keep trying. Like this guy, who wants us to make "a larger version of the iPod touch optimized not just for a better video experience, but also for a best-of-breed reading experience." He says this would blow away the Amazon Kindle. Could we do this? Um yeah. In our sleep. Will we? When the time is right I'll let you know.

This guy's cousin works for us

Mad props to Vivek Bhenchod in engineering who informs us that his cousin, in the video, has just made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest ear hair. Enjoy!

Larry gets blamed for everything

Now look. Andrew Ross Sorkin is far and away the smartest writer on economics at work today, but his article in today's New York Times blaming Larry for all the hostility in the Valley is a bit over the top. Specifically, Andrew says Larry's attacks on Peoplesoft set the stage for Microsoft to make an attack on Yahoo. Poor Larry gets blamed for everything. Last year it was the Hep-C outbreak at Stanford. So I guess this one isn't so bad after all.

First Bill Lerach, now this douche. Maybe there is a God.

I guess we're all supposed to feel sorry for Eliot Spitzer now that he's been rounded up in some hooker sting. Oh please. First of all he's not getting busted for the hooker thing but for funny business with money, which if I recall correctly was what he used to rail against. This asshole spent years bringing bogus charges against honest businesspeople and blackmailing them into accepting "deals" rather than face a barrage of bad publicity. Worse yet, he did this not in the name of justice but in a craven attempt to make a name for himself and boost his political career.

Trust me, if you've ever been harassed by the feds over some bogus charge, you know exactly what kind of humongous assholes they are. Absolute scumbags. Ruthless, amoral bastards. Ten times worse than most of the people they're trying to prosecute. Oh well.

Best detail for me so far is finding out here that this idiot paid $4,300 for a hooker. Of course now that piece of ass is gonna end up costing him a lot more than that.

Better yet, this scandal is a two-fer: Spitzer is one of Hillary Clinton's political allies. Imagine the flashbacks.

Steven Levy steals MacBook Air, claims it's "lost"

See here. Levy has a loaner MacBook Air and claims he accidentally tossed it out with a stack of newspapers and magazines. Money quote: "As humiliating as it sounds, let me repeat: the MacBook Air is so thin that it got tossed out with the newspapers."

Steven, you know, you could just tell us you wanted an "extension" on the loan, and we would have known what you meant and we'd be okay with that. Really. Also, please pick up that apartment of yours. The place is a mess.

Sarah Lacy self-immolates on stage at SXSWi

Well, once again my powers of premonition have proved to be quite, um, powerful. You may recall that a few days ago I ripped on Sarah Lacy of BusinessWeek, saying that, "She's a total dumbass, and she's obnoxious, and she's totally in love with herself, and she's almost always wrong." This was after she bashed iPhone. I also said I couldn't get angry at her because of her big, round, beautiful eyes. To me, and to many others, these big beautiful eyes possess a hypnotic power. They become virtual earmuffs, preventing us from hearing any of the inane statements that Sarah makes. But apparently the hypnotic power doesn't work in Texas. Or something. Because yesterday Sarah got up on stage with Mark Zuckerborg of Facebook at the SXSWi conference and totally made an ass of herself. Apparently it was so bad that people started booing and hissing and telling her to get off the stage. You can read all about it here.

Video above shows Ms. Lacy outside afterward trying to shrug it off and saying that it's just because she's "one of the only women covering tech" -- see, in the world of Sarah all those other female tech reporters simply don't exist -- and that "it's the price of being high profile."

Um, no. It's the price of asking dumb questions.

And maybe it's backlash for doing that big gushing Aug. 2006 Valley-hype cover story saying that Kevin Rose of Digg had made $60 million in 18 months -- a claim that the company's CEO immediately disavowed, saying, "That was completely invented."

Then again, the Valley hack force is known for making ridiculous false claims and then becoming famous for them. Look at Chris Anderson's "long tail" theory. Total bullshit, but the guy has been dining out on it for years, giving lectures and speeches to frigtards who swallow this crap as if it's gospel. (And why not? The guy throws up all sorts of charts and graphs, and throws in references to famous economists, so it all sounds like a bona fide college lecture.) Now Anderson is touting another ridiculous and totally bogus theory, claiming that free is the future of business, when, um, it's not. Yet he'll dine out on this one for another two years and travel the globe making a fortune giving very not-free lectures to the same frigtards who paid him for his very not-free lectures about the long tail.

So why go after Sarah Lacy and not Chris Anderson? I think it's the eyes. Yup. Has to be.

The video Hillary Clinton doesn't want you to see

Drink up, MicroTards

Check out this fantastic shot of Bill Bumblaster, one of our top OS and developer tools guys, making an emergency pit stop yesterday at the Borg campus. Bill was out partying with his fellow engineers and celebrating our new SDK and overall iPhone corporate strategy which as I pointed out yesterday will finally put a stake in the heart of Windows Mobile, not to mention RIM, Nokia and everyone else in the mobile space. FWIW, Bill B. is not just the world's greatest programmer but also a renowned tequila expert and shellfish chef. Apparently Bill and his homeboys from the tools lab spent the day yesterday on a massive bender drinking tequila shots and pitchers of beer at IL7, then they went out driving around, which I do not condone, but anyway it happened and nobody got hurt and what can we do about it. I figure you have to cut these guys some slack. Yesterday was the first day off they've had since their crabtacular which I bitched about recently. Anyhoo. Guys, all is forgiven. Keep up the good work. Namaste. I honor the place where the contents of your bladder become one with the Microsoft logo. To see this photo in its splendid original form, go here.

Larry just flew to France in a panic

Happened right after he saw this story.

More new Google business ideas

Ever wonder what those crazy kids at Google are doing with their 20% free time? See here. To be fair, some of these aren't bad.

Happy now, bitches?

Yeah, we rocked your friggin world, right? I mean 29 June 2007 might be the day the world changed, but today it just changed again. BlackBerry is dead. Microsoft is dead. Windows Mobile is dead. Amazon is dead. Kindle is dead. Nokia is dead. Motorola was already dead but now they are even more dead. Google's Android is dead. Samsung is dead. LG is dead. Sony is dead. UTStarcom is dead. We've thrown $100 million into an iFund so people can build iApps to sell on iTunes and give us 30% of their iMoney. The coming onslaught of new applications will make iPhone the only smart phone that anyone in the entire world will ever want to use.

Seriously, folks, it's game over. This announcement today is as big as the announcement of the original Macintosh in 1984. At airports all around the world they put flights on hold so that people could stay in the terminal and watch the news as it was announced. In Canada they declared a national day of mourning for RIM. It's that huge. Today, frankly, is a day that will live in the history of our industry. It's a classic inflection point. Massive disruption. Schumpeter-esque creative destruction. I am sitting here just watching the trailer for "Ironman" with the volume cranked on my stereo and I'm running around going "I ... am ... Ironman ..." in that weird computer voice. Truly, I am invincible. I rule the world. I am the greatest human being that ever lived. I feel just like that friggin Ironman guy, honestly. Bullets cannot pierce my iron skin. Apple is the greatest company in the world. We rock so hard it's amazing.

UPDATE: In the list of the dead up above I forgot to mention Palm and Adobe. They are both also dead. So dead, in fact, that I forgot to mention them.

PhotoCrank opt-out feature

Good news for those of you who have been complaining about PhotoCrank. The good folks at PhotoCrank have revised the software and added a little X button to the stuff that pops up over the photos. Click the X and you can opt out of PhotoCrank altogether. You'll never see it again on this site. You can always opt back in later.

I added PhotoCrank because I thought it would be fun for readers and could add an element of interaction to the blog. The complainers have been very vocal, but it seems there are a lot of other people who do enjoy the software and use it. Check out the PhotoCrank homepage and their list of "Most Cranked Sites."

Anyway, the new opt-out feature ought to make everyone happy. Crankers can keep cranking; everyone else can just shut it off. Bokay?

Now I have to go get ready for the big SDK announcement. Later, bitches.

Much love to Katie for her wonderful yoga-based pre-brief for employees today

We had a fantastic Town Hall meeting today where Katie explained to everyone exactly what we're going to be announcing tomorrow. Lots of gasps and appreciative murmurs during the presentation. And lots of great questions during the Q&A session afterward. Thanks to everyone who attended and, as always, much love to Katie for doing such a great job.

When the going gets tough ...

... the tough go looking for someone to take their place. That's right. Saint Nicholas of MIT is looking for a CEO to run OLPC. Plan is that he'll step back and be, um, chairman. In other words: It didn't work out, so I'm bailing.

Some amazingly great inadvertently hilarious quotes from Negroponte in this article, like the following:

* "In the end, we should not be in the hardware or software business."

(Really? Ya think?)

* "I am not a CEO. Management, administration, and details are my weaknesses."

To that list I would add a few other things: designing computers; building computers; writing software; working with others; setting realistic expectations; listening to criticism; soliciting feedback; maintaining a grip on reality.

The real screamer comes when Double-N says his ideal candidate for someone to run OLPC would be Kofi Annan. Right, because there's a guy with a real nitty-gritty grasp of how to run a company. Uh-huh. Loads of tech experience. Honestly, I blew miso soup out my nose and onto the keyboard of my MacBook Air when I read that one.

Larry says we should get Bono to call him and offer to take the job, and have Negroponte fly to Dublin for a meeting or something and then totally punk his ass. We'll see.

Britney Spears tosses iPhone into pool

Well, it's a start. Now if we can just get Paris Hilton and La Lohan to do the same, we'll be on a roll. See here.

Above is one of my all-time favorite pix of Britney, seen trying to order two apple martinis -- one in a glass and one in a sippy cup. Waitress politely told her that they don't serve drinks at Denny's.

Jealous Woz bashes iPhone, MacBook Air and Apple TV

See here. He says iPhone sucks cause it's not 3G; MacBook Air sucks cause it has no optical drive and you can't remove the battery; and he doesn't like the rental policy on Apple TV. On this last point -- dude, you're a billionaire. Just buy the movies you want. Okay? Why are you renting?

Anyway it's worth checking out because it's classic Woz, playing the big role of Mr. Honesty when in fact he's just sooooo jealous that he doesn't get to work on products anymore. So instead he just bashes what we do. Fine. Fair enough. What really pisses me of is that he does this even after I kept it a secret about him getting crabs from Kathy Griffin.

Dear Woz: Sleep with one eye open, brother. That's all I'm going to say.

I talked to Barry last night and man is he pissed

He was kicking back and smoking some of the herb I sent him and to be honest he was kind of bumming out. But he also sounded frustrated and pissed off, which I took to be a good sign. He says he's furious about this bullshit "kitchen sink" attack that Maggie Williams has been throwing at him. "Dude," he said, because that's what he calls me, "I just talked to my people and I told them I think it's time we started throwing some porcelain of our own. We're going to hit her with everything we've got. The sink, the toilet, the urinals. Whatever's big and heavy, we're tossing it."

I told him I totally agreed but I also recommended that he do some yoga and tai chi to get himself centered. Read a little Art of War and then a little Tao Te Ching, is what I told him, and then, yeah, go out there and start lobbing some friggin bombs. Smack that big ass. Smack it hard.

He was like, Thanks bud. I totally appreciate it. And thanks for the Oregon herb. It's just right. Nice and mellow, not too edgy, just like you said. We're all digging it. I told him no problem, and if he wants to use the Jobs Jet, just let me know. He said he'd do that. Then we both said "Peace out," and signed off.

Sarah Lacy bashes iPhone, but I can't bring myself to hate her.

So reporter Sarah Lacy now does some Internet tech TV show with Henry Blodget and some other dude with a bad haircut and the two dudes were raving about iPhone and how great it will be once we ship this SDK and some connectivity to enterprise apps like Microsoft Exchange -- and then along comes Sarah to rain on the parade and say the virtual keyboard on iPhone sucks and that all her hipster friends in San Francisco who bought iPhones early on are now dumping them. She says it's cool but not functional. Money quote: "I'm sorry, Steve Jobs, I know you love not having buttons but until you have a real keyboard I will never ever ever ever use it." See the video here.

Well here's the thing. I know I should be angry at Sarah Lacy. Because let's face it. She's a total dumbass, and she's obnoxious, and she's totally in love with herself, and she's almost always wrong. Nevertheless, I find myself unable to hate her. Larry says he has the same reaction to her.

See, there's just these two things you notice about Sarah right away when you meet her. They're right there in front of you, just staring at you, and you can't look away from them and you find yourself watching them roll from side to side and getting hypnotized by them and just agreeing with anything she says.

I'm talking, of course, about her eyes. They're just so big and round and heavy and beautiful and juicy, just so plump and ripe like they're going to burst, and she totally plays them up and draws attention to them because she knows how gorgeous and hypnotic they are. Damn you, Sarah Lacy and your big, round, beautiful eyes.

Sandberg leaves for Facebook. Let's all recite Eric Schmidt's Serenity Prayer.

By now you've heard that yet another top Google exec has left for greener pastures at Facebook. This time it's Sheryl Sandberg, who was some kind of bigshot running the ad business at Google or something like that. Best story on this I think was in today's Wall Street Journal (see here) because they managed to get hold of Roger McNamee, this private equity dude who owns part of Palm and has been poaching Apple engineers left and right and then just smirking when I haul him down to Cupertino and shout at him. Turns out Roger is also some kind of mentor to Zuckerborg and has been encouraging the Z-Boy to poach Googlers.

Anyway this is not good news for Squirrel Boy and he knows it. Like, when the Journal puts a story like this on its front page, right in the middle, you know you're going to get calls from your board members. But how can Google hope to hang on to these folks? The stock is topped out. Growth is slowing. The Borg is circling -- clumsily, but circling nonetheless. Plus Google execs are all in huge demand because these little startups figure the Google whiz-kids must have some special magical knowledge because look at how well Google did right?

Maybe it doesn't occur to the startup kids that Google's top execs don't have any special genius, they are just lucky bastards who landed in the right place at the right time. Or maybe the kiddies do know that and they simply don't care. I hate to suggest that someone like Mark Zuckerberg might be entirely craven and cynical because gosh he looks like such a sweet fifteen-year-old kid and everything I've read about him makes him seem so nice. But maybe Z-Boy realizes that he needs a few Googlers on staff because he can play that up as a vote of confidence ("See, we must be on to something huge, look at all these Google execs jumping on board").

The fact is, though Sheryl Sandberg might have some great operational skills, the reality is she doesn't even need to ever show up at Facebook and she'd still be worth her weight in gold to Zuckerberg.

Here's why. People like Sandberg who have made huge amounts of money, like hundreds of millions of dollars, can go anywhere and do anything. They choose their next job based on where they think they can make the biggest score. Her joining Facebook tells the world that a savvy Google exec, who could go anywhere and do anything, looked around and decided that the Next Big Thing is Facebook.

In other words, Sandberg's value to Facebook arises not from her job skills but from her reputation as an investor. Sure, she's not investing money; she's investing her time and her name. But she's investing nonetheless. She's betting that this thing is going to pay off in a big way. And she will draw other investors behind her. It's like when Warren Buffett invests in something. Everyone else jumps in too because they figure the Sage of Omaha knows something they don't.

You have to remember what Facebook's core business is about. It's not about helping people stay in touch with friends or express themselves. It's not about changing the world or creating an ecosystem for small apps makers. It's not even about selling ads. Facebook is a vehicle through which a bunch of investors in the Valley hope to turn a small pile of money into a much bigger pile of money by selling shares in the public markets. That is Facebook's core business. That is its raison d'etre as they say in Latin. This is a company created by, for and about venture capitalists. It's not a company so much as it's a narrative. A fable. A fairy tale.

Zuckerberg himself is pretty much incidental to the whole thing except that it makes the story a little better to have a boyish little Harvard dropout (cough Gates cough) in flip-flops and fleece jacket up on stage. (Not as CEO, mind you, because he'll soon be giving that title to Sheryl Sandberg. Z-Boy will become Chief Innovation Visionary or Chief Strategy Architect or some other meaningless title which in English will translate into "World's Luckiest Little Bastard.")

Worse yet, right now Facebook is a friggin Ponzi scheme, with Facebook's venture-funded apps partners making money primarily by selling ads to, um, Facebook's other venture-funded apps partners. And voila, like that, everyone's making money! Can you say shell game? Moreover, Facebook itself is being propped up and kept alive by the Borg, simply so it can serve as a thorn in Google's side. And frankly the Borg will be happy to keep this thing alive and to help Z-Boy and his backers make obscene billions as long as Facebook saps energy from Google and distracts them and draws away their talent. Z-Boy, clever fellow that he is, is happy to serve as the Borg's proxy in its war against Google, so long as he's richly compensated, which he will be. He spotted a war between giants and cleverly turned that to his own advantage. Well played, kid.

Bottom line on the Sandberg hire is that what Zuckerberg and his advisers realize full well is this: IPOs usually boil down to one sentence that investment bankers can use when they call their clients. The one sentence Facebook would really like to have is this: "It's the next Google."

This is why Zuckerberg hired Sandberg -- because ultimately what he's trying to do is impress the saps in the public markets to whom he'll soon be trying to flog shares. Sandberg brings huge street cred in that regard.

Well it's great news for Facebook and bad news for Google. Everyone out here has seen this coming for months. Which is why last November we crafted Eric Schmidt's Serenity Prayer. Makes good reading today in light of the Sandberg defection.

Fortune runs their hatchet job on me. Yawn.

So this big shot reporter at Fortune magazine, Peter Elkind, has spent the past year doing his Captain Ahab impersonation, chasing the Great White Whale that is El Jobso. Seriously, the dude had a major hard-on for me and was determined to do what the SEC and U.S. Attorney had failed to do, which was to bust my ass over the options backdating thing. Elkind is the guy who did the big Enron article for Fortune and the subsequent book. He figured I was going to be Ken Lay Jr. or something.

This story has been cooking for months. We first heard about it last June and immediately threatened to go dark on Fortune unless they relented.

Then at Thanksgiving we learned the story had been spiked because Elkind couldn't connect the dots that would bring home the bacon and reveal the smoking gun. Or something.

Well now for some reason they decided to revive the stupid thing and if you can bear to read it, go here. Just as we'd heard last fall -- he ain't got nothing. Okay, I'm a tough guy to work for. I'm kind of a dick. I've got a temper. Maybe some people suggested that maybe I did have something to do with the options backdating at Apple and Pixar. And yeah, as he reports, "The SEC and the Justice Department are still investigating backdating at Apple and Pixar." Big deal. Trust me, kids. There's nothing to worry about.

The ultimate irony is that while Fortune commissioned this story as their big huge takedown of the Jobsmeister, in the end they had to run this Elkind story as a companion to their "Most Admired Companies" list -- where Apple is #1. Yeah. It's like dat y'all.

Dear Peter Elkind: Siooma, frigtard. Better luck next time.

Dear Time-Warner: If you're hoping we're going to overlook this or forget about it, um, you're smoking crack. You know the rules, assholes. And you broke them. Payback's a bitch and you're about to find that out.

iPod, like breast-feeding, can enhance your IQ

Which is why I insist on both. See here.

Attention freetards: $100 laptop now available for only $600

See this ad on Craigslist and act fast if you want to snap up one of these precious machines for only six hundred dollars! That's right. Six. Hundred. Dollars. Or you could just take the money out into your backyard and set it on fire. Or you could send six hundred dollars to help some kid in the Third World get food. Or medicine. Just saying.

Vista now even more of a bargain

Well, the Borg has slashed the price of its amazing new operating system. Now it's only $319 for the version that contains the full lineup of bugs and fuck-ups. Such a deal.

Meanwhile a lawsuit reveals that even as they were telling the world how great Vista was, Microsoft executives and board members were tearing their hair out trying to use it and complaining mightily that it was a piece of shit. Former Borg boss and now Borg board member Jon Shirley refused to upgrade his second machine from XP after seeing how bad Vista was on his first machine. Also, it turns out Dell was blasting them too. In other words they all knew it was an unusable piece of shit even as they were out encouraging customers to buy it.

In a related story, Microsoft announces Henry Blodget will be head of marketing. Just kidding.

Worse yet, some Borgtards have tried to blame Intel for the Vista Capable snafu.

You know what? It's really starting to get sad up there in Redmond. Most days I can't even work up the energy to hate them. But some days I still can, and on those days I feel really, really good about myself.

Butt munch Irish guy loves iPhone, hates me

See here. You need to read all the way to the last line. FWIW, I've never said anything unkind about this guy. And his negativity really upsets me. Must go meditate and non-think about something else for a while. Back later.

Lots of people talking about this new Jack Nicholson ad for Hillary which includes a quote from "A Few Good Men" where Jack says, "There is nothing on this earth sexier, believe me, gentlemen, than a woman that you have to salute in the morning." I guess Jack and Hillary maybe figured people wouldn't remember the rest of that quote. Luckily, dear reader Robert T. did remember, and passed it along. It's worth checking out the complete scene. And then picture it applied to Hillary. Seriously. Give it a shot.

Yet another scary stalker

I have no idea who this person is but Moshe spotted this car parked near the Apple campus. For the record, if you're really wondering WWSJD, well, for one thing, SJ wouldn't put this plate on his car. Or any plate for that matter. But I do appreciate the little tribute. Honestly. Stuff like this just makes me tingle.

iJustine stalking me on the freeway

Chicks, man.

Confession: I love to fuck with car salesmen

So I know this is kind of sick but one thing I really like to do is screw around with car salesmen. Like I'll be bored or something or just driving up the highway and I'll see a car lot and I'll say to myself, Jobso, it's go time. I do this a lot. I know. It's fucking evil and I'm wasting their time. What can I tell you? It's so easy. I mean they're just sitting there waiting for you to come in and fuck with them.

Little example. Yesterday I'm driving past Stevens Creek Toyota in San Jose and I can't resist. It's lunchtime, I've just smoked just a tiny bit of weed in my car and I don't have any appointments until three. So in I go, trying to look a bit lost and daffy, like a bleeding swimmer drifting into a pool of sharks, and boom -- like that, a dude named Hassan is all over me.

I tell him I'm looking for a used minivan. He sits me down and we go through his list of what he's got on the lot and we settle on a 1999 Sienna with a hundred and forty-five thousand miles. Now here's what's amazing. The guy is so hungry for a sale that he doesn't think to wonder why a guy who just drove up in a five hundred thousand dollar Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster is shopping for a shitbox minivan. He also has no idea who I am. I mean he takes my license and makes a copy of it and calls me Mr. Jobs but still has no idea. I mean it's clear he has no idea. The reason? I'm not in uniform. I'm wearing a baseball cap and a white Oxford shirt. This always works. It's amazing.


So the thing is, I love to meet car salesmen and hear their rap. They've all got a rap and this huge long list of tricks and I have to admit they never cease to entertain and amuse me. So we get into the shitvan and start driving and Hassan's rap is to ask me all about my needs as a consumer and then start telling me why this is such an amazing van and perfect for me and using all these little linguistic tricks to make it seem like I already own the van. I tell him I'm a single guy but I just adopted a set of septuplets from Finland (I pronounce it "Findland" to see if he'll notice; he doesn't) and I need a vehicle that can hold all the kids plus my grandmother who's going to be taking care of the kids while I'm at work, and she's a hundred and two years old but still really spry though she's also in a wheelchair so we'll need to have the van retrofitted with a handicap lift and will that be possible?

Of course of course of course, Hassan says, that's no problem we do that all the time and these vans are the best in fact I think the older models are even better than the new ones because they get the better mileage and this is exactly the right one for you I mean I could sell you a newer one but why do you need that? Why? The kids are going to spill stuff and why mess up a new van?

Plus there's the lift, I say. He goes, That's right that's right the lift. And the kids being from Findland, I say, see they've never actually been in any kind of vehicle over there so I want something that can make them comfortable and we'll need a set of seven car seats can you provide those? Of course of course of course, he says.

So I'm driving and he's saying how nice the ride is and how smooth the engine sounds and I wait until he pauses and I go, Hassan, you know what? This van is shit. He goes, What? I go, This van is shit. It's a fucking piece of shit. You know it and I know it. Come on. Admit it. Be honest. This is a fucking big piece of shit. It's a shit van. The engine sucks, the brakes are shot, the radio doesn't even work. He's like, No, it does! and he turns on the radio to prove it. I go, No, that radio is fucked up. It's missing stations. It's got a weak antenna. Or maybe no antenna. They probably broke the antenna, the previous owners. He says no that can't be true but even if it is they will definitely put in a new antenna if one is needed. I'm like, Okay, take out a piece of paper and a pen and start making a list. New antenna --

He goes, If it needs one.

I'm like Hassan, do I look like a bitch? Then stop trying to fuck me like a bitch! This piece of shit van fucking needs a new antenna Hassan so put a fucking antenna on the list. New antenna. New wheels. New brakes. I want disk brakes all around. If it's got drum brakes in back I want them changed over to disk brakes. And new rotors. You fucking understand me? Do I need to start smashing into other cars to prove this to you?

But here's the creepy thing: I say all this stuff in a totally psycho monotone voice, staring straight ahead, clutching the wheel with both hands, and looking like at any minute I'm going to cross the center line and smash into an oncoming car.

He sits there and doesn't speak. He doesn't move. I go, Hassan, start making that fucking list right now. He does, and then he says, in a very soft voice, Could you turn here and head back to the lot please?

We go back. I hop out and turn all bright and cheery. I go, Dude, I love that van. Let's go inside and talk price. Amazingly enough, he does it. We go inside. He says he has to go get the price from his manager. He comes back with a piece of paper and a number on it: $10,995. I take the paper and look at it. I mean I really stare at it. Then I take it and very calmly tear it in half, then in quarters, then in eighths. I tear it until it's shredded and then I sprinkle the pieces on his desk. I look at him. He looks at me. I nod toward his manager. He goes off for another number.

He comes back and the number is $10,595. I take out a lighter and set the paper on fire and drop it in his wastebasket. That freaks him out and the rest of the idiots too -- funny but fire really has this primal effect on people, which is why magicians like to use it -- and they all come running over and the manager says I really need to calm down and stop doing stuff like this. But here's the amazing thing. They still want to sell me a car.

The manager goes, How much do you want to pay for the van? Tell me your number. I tell him I've seen the exact same van with less miles on it at another Toyota dealer and they only want nine hundred bucks. If he can beat that price, I'll take it. The guy just laughs. I laugh back, and I do this really deranged intentionally fake weirdo Frank Booth kind of laugh, like the laugh that Hillary uses in a debate when someone really bitch-slaps her with a tough question about her tax returns.

The manager goes into the whole rap about how the dealership needs to make money and they paid a lot of money for this van and he says but since it's the last day of the month and they need to move cars he can go check with his manager and come back to me, and sure enough a few minutes later he comes back with yet another piece of paper and before he hands it to me he makes me promise not to set it on fire and then he gives it to me and it says $9,995 and he says this is his rock bottom absolute best price. I go, That's with the wheelchair lift right? He's like, The what? I tell him that Hassan promised me they would install a wheelchair lift in the van for my one-hundred-and-two-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother plus throw in seven car seats for the septuplets from Findland.

The manager gets all pissed but Hassan denies making any such promise. I say, No no no, you absolutely promised, and here's the list on my piece of paper where he wrote down all the stuff he was going to throw in for free. Hassan is freaking out and denying up and down.

The manager says his price is just for the van and any extras will have to be negotiated separately. So I hand the paper back to him and I reach out like I'm going to shake his hand. But instead I go, Hey, pull my finger. He does. I fart. Then I thank him for an enjoyable forty-five minutes and walk out to my half million dollar Mercedes and drive away.

Apple store called "best place to meet men"

No kidding. See this article in Cosmopolitan, which I'm told is a magazine for women with eating disorders. Money quote: "Most guys are natural gadget lovers, and with sales of iPods and MacBooks skyrocketing, more men than ever are stopping by Apple boutiques. The vibe at the stores is conducive to man meeting too: You can check your email among cuties ..."

I asked Ron Johnson about this and he says that in face he designed our stores to seem like nightclubs and make them cool places for random hookups. And yes, we paid for the story placement in Cosmo. We need to get more ladies into the stores and tone down the sausage party vibe.